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I have been in a relationship for over (detail removed by Moderator), he was always a bit of a drinker. in the beginning I was out with him, then I fell pregnant. my memories of pregnancy consist of lying to my work about being pregnant, always crying because he was never home. I fell in love with the baby so fast.
then it didn’t matter that he was always out, didn’t matter that he was always bringing friends back, that at 2am there was nearly always crowds of drunk people downstairs. I never said anything. I wasn’t working, bringing home money. he was paying the bills. and I was always at home. there was always a point where I was cheating on him, always something in the house I hadn’t cleaned. and sometimes there was the mean look. what was I doing? why had I been upstairs? why had I been moving around-when I was in my bed? fast forward (detail removed by Moderator), 2 children. and I get a job. and then he stops working. neck pains. (muscular neck spasm the doctor called it), he always wanted money. but he was always out drinking!
is it wrong? if he’s drinking all night then surely he’s well enough to work? I refused to give money and he kept pushing me and i’d give in. becasuse we’d argue and he had started grabbing me and I was getting scared. that he was right. that it was my fault I was making him angry. I was making him grab me. I wasn’t being supportive.
I know i’m not a nice person, that I was too demanding, that I took more than I gave. but I tried to be supportive.
I told him it wasn’t ok to grab me, I told him it had to stop or I would leave. he said it would.
then it got worse and he really hurt me. I left. then had nowhere to go so went back. then he hurt me again and I left.
I’ve stayed gone, but I know he’s right I wasnt’ supportive enough. I can’t help but wonder if he’s right. am I the one that was abusing him? did I do this? -
No you did not do this. Abusers are always changing the goal posts. You could have been one hundred percent perfect and he would have said that was a fault. Always blaming, confusing behaviour. No it was never your fault and abuse always gets worse. He is responsible for his own actions. I’m so glad you are away from him. Please contact your local women’s aid or ring the helpline on here. It takes a long time to recover from abuse. ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven is a good book x
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Hi Mixedup I’m so glad you created a thread and shared your story, well done for being strong.
Kip is exactly right, he has programmed you to think you are to blame, abusers always do this. My ex always blamed everything on my mental health, ie. he would abuse and threaten me then say I’d imagined it and that he wanted to help me get a therapist etc! They also always accuse you of what they are doing, my ex accused me of lying when I am truthful to the point of fault. It wasn’t until I left that I realised he was a pathological liar and lied to me about tonnes of stuff!
Him demanding money for alcohol when he is not working and you are is abusive, as is the physical side, as is the accusing you of cheating and monitoring your movements, the constant criticism, bringing people into your home late at night against your will, as is the physical side. You have not done anything wrong, he is to blame, but it takes some time for the abuser’s voice to leave our heads. We are often left with PTSD which includes flashbacks and remembering their words, but it is treatable and in time and with the right help we can and will heal.
I’m not sure how long it is since you left but if you’re struggling with PTSD type symptoms which it sounds like it, then definitely seek help to talk to an abuse-specialist professional to help you heal from the trauma.
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i left him on (detail removed by moderator). but i had to go back, so i think my official date of finally and literally leaving him would be (detail removed by moderator). (the day i got paid). I’ve tried to pretend that things are ok, I’ve gone through courts and solicitors. I’ve done that. i still have to see him for the children. its hard, even more so since he’s told me he’s been living with another woman. i don’t believe him that theres nothing there, because he kept making sexual comments to me, then suddenly they stopped. i don’t think they stopped because he knew i was uncomfortable.
hes told me to phone him everynight so he can say goodnight to the kids, (he never even said goodnight everynight when we were together). the last 2 nights have phoned and its gone to voicemail. hes been telling them that he’ll get them a phone and then has an excuse everyday as to why he hasn’t got them one yet.
ive been signed off of work for 2 weeks now. I’m trying to sort myself out.
theres gossip about me at work, apparently ive undergone this extreme personality change.
i don’t want to be the person people talk about. i don’t want to feel only this deep disgust and shame when i look in the mirror.
except i do.
my ex told me that I’m not coping, that I’m not dealing with whats happened. that ive gone from having him make my decisions to having a work colleague i confided in make my decisions for me. our propblems started when i went to work and started talking to someone. he said that i should let him back because i can’t cope on my own.
i thought about it, i wanted to.
i didn’t.
i don’t think i can live with someone that can spit on me (that’s disgusting right? degrading that’s like the ultimate humiliation, the ultimate i don’t like you and have even less respect for you. i’m not dramatizing that right?) that can kick me, and spit on me again whilst I’m curled up on the floor in pain -
I went to this workshop thing yesterday. I felt like such a fraud. listening to all these women and their stories, and I still can not say that it wasn’t me.
I did things wrong in our relationship, and I realise that now. but I also realise that I hadn’t necessarily understood what he was doing either.
I’m past the point where I can cast blame, at least on him, but I still feel like I’ve let myself and my children down.
I still feel like I’m the failure in the scenario.
like I messed up.
in some ways I did, but I understand that relationships take work. his accusations were unfounded and his paranoia and disdain for me was down to drugs. which I didn’t realise at the time.
I can understand my part to play, I still don’t even know if I’m doing the right things in writing on this. did I do this? am I the one that has been abusing him?
I didn’t want to give him a massage when he had neck pain, but I can be quite judgemental on myself, and I really didn’t want to make it worse. I didn’t give him that closeness that he wanted but in all honesty, he was already testy and angry a lot of the time. if the kids woke him up when he was sleeping, with their arguing he would shout and yell. if I didn’t wake him up for work then he was angry cause I had cost him money for that day. if I woke him up late, he was angry. it was never all bad, in the beginning the bad outweighed the good, and then it just got worse.
but he has accepted my decision, but still tries, and succeeds, to manipulate money from me. he has accepted that we’re over.
I just wish I knew how to find a me again.
How do you begin to look in the mirror and like what you see?
how do you gain back that self respect?
how do you back what you didn’t realise was gone?
how do you begin to like colour again? -
I went to this workshop, it was difficult listening to everyone talk about pasts and experiences. I am torn between two feelings at present, the first is that I am fraud- that what I have gone through is mild, that I have caused it all. In some ways I know I have. To a degree. The other is I know what I’ve gone through is so mild.
I know he drunk too much, I should have said something. I didn’t. That’s on me. I know he should have been able draw a line, but he didn’t. So that’s on him. I know the constant accusations come under abuse. I know that’s what ultimately led to the violence.
But you know what? I’m not awash in that blame, in that guilt anymore. It’s there, but I don’t feel like its suffocating me anymore.
I don’t feel like I know who I am, but I know who I don’t want to be, and I think that’s enough for now. Isn’t it? -
Hey there. We minimise their abuse as a way of coping. I felt exactly the same as you. The abuse creeps up on us. Its like putting a frog in a warm pan of water and slowly heating it till boiling point. If you put the frog straight into boiling water, it would jump straight out. As for his drinking. Please please dont blame alcohol for his abusive behaviour. This was an excuse i used for years. Many people drink and dont become abusive or violent. He kniws exactly what he is doing.
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When did you stop feeling like this? What caused the ‘recognition’ in your thinking that it wasn’t alcohol?
I know he can lose his temper without alcohol, I know that he can be aggressive without it. But I know that his violence, his aggression is worse. So I still seem to use that as his excuse. I still seem to allow him that crutch I guess.
How do I accept that it’s not just alcohol?
I don’t think I know how to accept that I’m not at fault, I feel like I wasn’t supportive when he needed me to be, I feel like I should have said something when I didn’t. I know I’m not a nice person, I know I can be rude no sarcastic and judgemental- I never actually pretended to be otherwise.
I never said I was a nice person.
My children make me a nicer person, they always have. He says I changed when I started working.
I know I did. -
Womens aid worker helped me recognise it wasnt my fault. The first visit i defended his behaviour. I said that he had a stressful job. She said, well why doesnt he abuse his boss. I then said he had anger management problems. And she said why is he only angry when the door is closed and there are no witnesses. How can he hold down a job with such anger? I then said it was the alcohol and she said that lots of people drink but dont abuse their partners! Womens aid and a book called ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. Everything began to change after that but i struggled for a couple years with the trauma of it all. My relationship was decades so i was very brainwashed and traumatised. If i can escape then anyone can x i am actually a much much nicer person now. Very much like the girl i was before i was hoodwinked by a monster. Life can be great 👍
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My relationship was just under (detail removed by moderator) years. It was constant accusations of cheating, and he was always out. At first I was ok with it, until he started being drunk at home more and giving me these looks, as if to say I hate you, what are you even doing here? It only got worse when I started working. He said that our problems started when I started work and talking to people. I let people brainwash me. He said that I went from having him make decisions for me to letting my work colleagues make decisions for me.
It was only a problem when I started saying no, I’m working for that money- why should I give it to him to spend it on drink (and I know now drugs) because he’s not working. Now that I’m at work he’s not. He’s too ill. But how is he too ill? He can go out drinking all night, but not go to work?
Every time I feel like I have the answers I realise I actually don’t. Every time I think I can manage that I can move on, I realise that I’m still letting him in my head. How do I keep him out?
(I’ve kept him out my house, out of my life- so to speak. How do I keep him out of my head?) -
It takes time and no contact to get him out of your head. I remember when he was arrested and bailed he was in my head 24 hours a day. It was infuriating. As time went on, his presence lessened in my head. Looking back it was PTSD. trauma. Wanting to talk about it all the time. Feeling that the more people knew, the safer i would be. A huge problem for me was accepting that he was a pathalogical liar. Everything he said was just lies designed to justify his behaviour. Before all else, accept that he is a liar with only his self interest at heart. You owe him nothing. You do have the answers. Its just a case of self confidence and self belief x
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Anything self wise is what I lack, self belief, self confidence. These I do not have. I feel like I have no identity, and the scary part is I’m not sure if I even want one. I have my kids and they are happy, and well adjusted. I have my job- although I’m off sick at minute so guess that’s not going so well.
Me as myself all I do is cry, well now I’ve lost him (I don’t regret it, would do it again which doesn’t help ), I feel like that family part has gone, and now I have to get rid of my dog too. I don’t know how to train, raise her, I know it’s for the best, but it hurts. I feel like all I do right now is hurt- which is why I have no real interest in myself, as an individual, I guess it hurts too much. -
You will rebuild your self confidence and self esteem. As you say, you do have a lot going for you but that numb feeling is the trauma and it will take a while to battle through it. We have less head space to deal with life when we are abused so getting rid of your dog at the moment will leave more head space for recovery. Try to manage a couple of things each day and praise yourself for doing them. Even if its just cleaning and putting the bin out. Baby steps.
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I don’t know how to praise myself, I know it sounds silly. But even when people say to me I’ve done so much, I should be proud. I can’t. I feel like the positive is too hard.
I would like to thank you, your words mean a lot. This is helping. I find this, somehow freeing I guess. I’m not sure of the words. But thank you.-
Hello Mixedup
You story and your abuser sound very similar to mine!!!
I was in this relationship not even (detail removed by moderator) and I’ve been properly brainwashed. I trusted him so much. He was everything to me and gradually thing started to change. I couldn’t understand how the man I loved so much could treat me like that, hurt me physically and emotionally. I left him after one situation when he beat me up very badly. I called the police, he went to custody etc. But I still loved him and I kept meeting with him and listened to his lies. At some point I felt it was all my fault, I wasn’t supportive when he needed me, he was for me when I was depressed but I was the bad one.
he had drinking problem as well, history of drug addiction, history of violence towards women but unreported to the police, anger management problems, mental health problems…
Every single day I have to remind myself what he did to me, how much I suffered, how much I sacrificed to be with him, how much I need to pay now …
After the beating he was able to tell me he just shaked me not hit which was all lie!!! I remember exactly what happened that day…I remember fear I felt, I remember his look, I remember his strong hands covering my mouth, chocking me, hitting my face and my head…I remember his hands pulling my hair, dragging me across the room… These hands used to touch me before!!!
I know it’s difficult for all of us but we need to be strong! We deserve much better.
I hope you left for good just as I hope I did…
be strong!!!
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I liked very much what you said at the end. I hope I’ve left for good too. He apologises for the violence, but he was so drunk and had taken so many drugs he can’t even remember what he did- how does that apology mean anything?
I could cope with the violence, but I hated his name calling, the way he would add them in.
The way after we separated he started calling me new names instead.
I don’t feel very strong, I barely know how to get through each day.
My kids are happier-that is a godsend for me. They have adjusted to it all. So quickly.
I just cope with myself. With how to find a me again.
Have you separated from him? Have you found a ‘you’ yet? -
Have you read a book called “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft? It was an eye opener for me.
What was the workshop you went to as it sounds like it has set you backwards rather than forwards.
None of us ask for it. “You made me do it” is such a pathetic cop out. If your boss peed you off and you hit her would it be okay for you to say “you made me”. No, of course not and it’s not okay for them either.
He’s still maintaining the control over you by demanding that you call him every day. This is why he’s still messing with your head. Did court say you have to call him every day? If not, make it stop. Now. If he doesn’t like it he can take you to court to get an order to say you have to call him every day.
You’ve said the kids are doing better without him and that is very heartening. You have done an amazing thing by breaking away. You’re doing better than you give yourself credit for.
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thankyou, for your words. My kids show me everyday that I have done the right thing. Hearing the women at this workshop, and on here I see saw between feeling like I’m a complete fraud.
Am I the person that has done this to him? Am I abusing him? I listen to all of this and I feel that clarification and for a couple of minutes I will feel a bit safer, and then I go back to the guilt and insecurity.
I know it’s because I’m struggling to find my identity as a single person, as myself, and it makes me hurt for how much of myself was in this relationship. Because surely it shouldn’t be this hard, should it?
The court hasn’t said that I need to call him every night, but I felt like it was a small thing so did, then for two nights he didn’t pick up and didn’t call back. All he could say was sorry, but the kids had expected to speak to him. So I sent him a text, cried whilst I did it, saying that he knew what time the kids went to bed, I was not going to call him again that it was down to him. I feel like I take steps forward, but that I just don’t seem to be taken any mentally and for myself. -
Hello Xx I have found it motivating to read about the effects of all types of abuse on children. My daughter started to self harm and now that we are an “angry man” free zone she is better. I just keep thinking that I have to make the right choices for them. I have with both my abusive exes felt like I was to blame and if I just do X, Y or Z then it would be OK. And I kidded myself that I didn’t mind them lying and cheating. It was only me right? I can cope with pain so I thought I should just put up with it. I am only recently out and I have both men on my case trying to manipulate me back under their control but I am fighting back, not dramatically but I am trying to be my own best friend instead of allowing myself to treat me like I am totally worthless. The truth is that I imagine most of us ladies on here are very empathetic , kind, giving people and we have been taken advantage of. It’s so very hard and there is no easy answer, just baby steps, one day at a time in the right direction. Sending you lots of positive vibes Xxxx
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Thank you. I love what you have said about being your own best friend. That is exactly what I am trying to do. Not doing well. But trying.
Children cope with this so much better than we do. And there so much more forgiving.
I am trying to create a balance within myself and my ex, whereby I ignore the little comments, the sarcasm and then assert myself on larger things.
I ignored him when he said he never wanted our relationship to turn into s battle, when he said that we can work if I’m nice to him.
However I still say no when he asks to borrow my phone, even when he’s telling me how childish I’m being, how much of a pr***k I’m being (it’s a new name though- he hasn’t called me that before).
I hope what you said about us being empathetic, kind ladies can apply to me- cause I don’t feel that I was or am. I hope I was, I hope I wasn’t the nasty, sarcastic, judgemental person that he says I was. I hope I wasn’t the person that caused all this, that did this to him. -
You’re doing great. Taking charge. Setting boundaries like the phone. Abusers are incredible liars. Do not believe a word he says. None of this is your fault. His behaviour will quickly deteriorate when he realises he’s not getting his own way. This situation is not your fault. Abusers want us to carry the guilt, so that they don’t have to. Not your guilt. Not your fault x
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Thank you. I wish I knew how to believe it. All the time. I mostly believe it, then he says something to me in that calm, patient, so likeable tone. (If you were nice to me, I’d be nice to you), and I backpedal and start thinking this is my fault. All over again.
It’s wrong on so many levels, but I think part of the reason I haven’t let him back is because of my children. Cause I think if after (detail removed by Moderator) there this happy, and there’s no problems readjusting then surely that’s a sure sign that something was wrong in the first place.
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