Did I goad him?

[Starmoon]

Someone I know has just recently told me his ex partner goaded him until he reacted, and now I wonder if I used to goad my ex.
I think i did and it’s something I need to address and I feel ashamed. Once I came home after he’d been texting me about how I didn’t wash up or do the washing before I left, so when I came home I washed up and went to sleep in another room and he was annoyed and went to leave, I tried to stop him and he smashed up lots of things including my phone. Another time I was out all day with the kids, when I came home, he’d left lol of stuff out in the kitchen and it bugged me because he’d always be annoyed when I did that, so I started an argument about it and he smashed up some stuff again. I think there’s definitely been time’s that I pushed him to being physical

[Bettertimesahead]

I dont think you goaded him at all. Your actions were perfectly reasonable, his on the other hand were not. Do not blame yourself for his reactions.

[Lottieblue]

Starmoon don’t be fooled into believing his behaviour is your fault.

Quite apart from the person you were speaking to having a dubious point of view, goading someone is when you are deliberately antagonising them in order to make them react.

You didn’t do that. Were you actively trying to get a reaction from him? Doesn’t sound like it to me.

Goading is what siblings do to get each other into trouble. Taunt and tease deliberately to try and get hit so that the hitter gets told off.

But the point is that you should not be imagining in any way that it was your behaviour that led to you being treated the way you have been.

Keep coming back – it sounds like you need support x

[Eggshells]

You said “Once I came home after he’d been texting me about how I didn’t wash up or do the washing before I left, so when I came home I washed up and went to sleep in another room” It sounds to me like he was goading you. He clearly knew which buttons to push.

[Starmoon]

Usually I would’ve gone into him and tried to talk and sort things out, but on the night he’d been texting me I decided to prove a point and not suck up to him, this obviously annoyed him and I knew it would. The time I came home and argued with him over the things in the kitchen, it was just me being petty because I felt he was always in at me about not doing things properly.
I’ve had a lot of support on here which I really appreciate, I’m also in private counselling now and she’s brilliant but it’s very costly. He’s a very reasonable person these days and comes off as totally different to when we were together which will forever have me wondered if I was the issues x

[Lottieblue]

Star moon – have you googled the Cycle of Abuse?

Also learn about Hoovering. I’m sure your counsellor will have told you about that.

Keep coming back here, reading reading reading so that you can see it’s a pattern. Don’t imagine he’s changed. He hasn’t. He just wants you back so he can do more of the same.

[Starmoon]

I did recently get back with him after years apart but he ended thing very quickly saying that ‘he’d been on a binge’ and once he’d sobered up, he’d realised we bought out the worst in each other. He’s with someone els now. We have to have regular contact because of the children. Even after years apart, I still wonder about the abuse, especially now that he’s so reasonable

[Eggshells]

I suspect he’s not reasonable behind the scenes. His new partner will be finding that out. Did you regularly change your behaviour to keep him happy or stop him from being moody etc?

[Starmoon]

Yes, I ended up having a brake down whilst I was pregnant with my youngest because things were so bad, I hated myself so much and just wanted to be a different person. I tried so hard to be everything he wanted. At one stage a midwife suggested it looked like I was being coerced but I genuinely just wanted to make him happy. I would honestly thank him on a daily basis for giving me a chance and being with Me… but then once our daughter was born, he left again telling me I was impossible to be with. The on and off cycle lasted for years before he left the final time.

[Eggshells]

Ok. Well the bottom line is that You felt that you needed to prove a point rather than suck up to him. That’s perfectly reasonable. The point you were trying to make needed to be made and you shouldn’t have to suck up to him to prevent him from getting angry. You shouldn’t have to change your behaviour to prevent him from having outbursts. Sticking to your guns is not goading. It’s standing up for yourself. You did well.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, you’re not a doormat so sometimes you fight back a little. I’ve done it myself. That isn’t goading. Sometimes you’ve just had enough.

[Author]

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