Did i just love him more and was happier or is it trauma bond?

[pasta]

I thought I was so happy, so in love, so sexually attracted to him, thought he was gorgeous ect. Makes me think I loved him more than I love my now boyfirned even thought my current partner is actually lovely to me.

Sometimes I think I was happier with me ex but is this true or not? I don’t know. We had what I thought was great sex, I felt amazing when he showed me attention ect.

But he emotionally abused me so badly that I have forgotten all the sneaky details. He crushed my hand, restrained me, stopped me leaving, got me by the back of the neck (are these that bad? I don’t know). He threw things round and broke things to physically intimidate me. I cried nearly every weekend I stayed with him and he made me apologise and think everything was my fault. He talked about other girls even when I begged him not to which exacerbated my insecurities. He emotionally blackmailed me into doing things I didn’t want to do sexually and did stuff me me sexually when I said no (yet I thought the sex was great. ha.). He withdrew sex, affection and quality time. He tried to turn me against my family. He lied about so much.

But somehow because if my intensity of feelings and the ups and downs I felt like I wanted to marry him and loved him.

Now I’m with someone that actually is nice to me and affectionate yet I question whether I love him enough because I don’t get the same feeling as with my ex.

What is love supposed to feel like? How do I know?

I’m not sure if I just felt that way with my ex because he was my first. I feel like he’s ruined future relationships for me and made me damaged goods.

[SunshineRainflower]

He sounds similar to my ex.

I think when we have been in an abusive relationship, love actually feels strange. It sounds like what you have now, is love. But love isn’t actually intense, dramatic, painful, scary, unpredictable. It is actually peaceful, calm, caring, simple. A bit like how you would love a pet, it is just there, never changing, each day, no drama, just there. Love is things like looking after you when you are ill, picking up up when your car breaks down, watching a film with you that they are not bothered about, supporting you in your dreams, encouraging you, doing 50% of the housework, sharing good fortune, taking the bins out, washing the dishes and caring equally for the children and pets. It is compromise, patience, kindness, understanding, communication and all this takes work, and is not glamorous or fun or sexy, but it is love.

Love can also of course be sexy, but when we are used to a toxic, dangerous, abusive kind of sexy, it feels a quite alien.

I was thinking about love in terms of my cat. Love is me cleaning out her litter tray, feeding her high quality healthy food, grooming her, playing string games with her, taking her to the vet when needed and keeping her happy and healthy and warm. And she shows her love by purring, curling up on my lap, providing me with companionship and bringing me up toys at 4am in her mouth with a loud meow saying ‘thank you for looking after me, here is your breakfast as a token of my thanks!’

I think abusive relationships are like the high addicts get from drugs – (I imagine) it feels amazing, intense, wonderful at first but is short lived and then becomes scary, disorientating, confusing, makes you ill, ruins your health, takes your life.

Have you had any therapy? Books about abusive relationships should also help. I feel the same way – I know my ex was abusive, but things felt so perfect before the abuse really got going that I am haunted by the loss of it daily. He gave me the illusion of my perfect relationship, gave me everything my previous exes had failed to give me. Like you sex felt incredible at first, his body was great, he was interested in my hobbies, we did lots of activities I enjoyed, he didn’t force me to hang out in big groups which previous exes had done and which I hate. Part of my pain is letting go of this seemingly ‘perfect’ relationship. It is devastating to lose what feels like the best relationship of your life, even though you can see that logically it was actually a toxic relationship.

[pasta]

Hiya SunshineRainflower,

I really like you description of love hear as being peaceful, calm, every day. I think I tend to think it should be self-sacrificing and dramatic for some reason; I’m not sure why. Maybe that’s why I was attracted to that with my ex. Like you said until it’s scary.

It does feel like I imagine withdrawing from drugs would feel – I thought I was over it and I think I am but I still kind of have the urge to be with my ex somehow. I don’t want to be but I guess I crave some kind of contact even thought I know it’s bad for me. Maybe because it’s forbidden. I know it wouldn’t go well but it’s like I imagine I might get some of those highs again.

My current boyfriend does all those things for me like you said proper love is – he looks after me and does things for me and seems to want to build something with patience and understanding. He’s stayed even when I’ve been very sad about my ex. He’s just kind of been there for me to help me out.

Thanks for your reply. It is helpful to come on here every now and then and know I’m not the only one and that it’s the abusers that are horrible, not us being crazy.

[SunshineRainflower]

P.s I read somewhere to think of love as a verb rather than a noun which I think sums it up perfectly 🙂

[likevue]

Hi Both,

Your exchange really struck a chord with me. Just recently I shared with a friend what happened to me, and one of the things I mentioned was the difficulty of forming new relationships. After that conversation I now realise I have moved on in so far that I have my own life and my own friends, I might even say I’m popular amongst friends. However it’s been many years and I haven’t been able to move on in terms of starting a new romantic relationship, and feel as if I wouldn’t know how to start one or how it’s supposed to go. The abusive relationship was the only serious/long term one I’ve ever had so that’s the only model I can follow.

It’s reassuring to see the same emotions put in words by someone else, and I’m sure I will be referring back to this post to remind me if and when the time comes for me to meet someone new.

[pasta]

Hi likevue,
I’m glad my post had helped you in some way. I am actually okay for the most part now but still go back to forums like this every now and then and read other people’s experiences because they resonate with me too and make me feel less like it wasn’t real or something. I’m so glad you seem to be doing so ell with friends and stuff. Good for you and I mean that sincerely.

I don’t have another model for serious relationships either so it is hard. I have found it very difficult and have only managed it if I am honest because my current boyfriend has been smitten with me for years so he is sticking around through thick and thin and is very patient!

I have posted a couple of times here about being scared if he does certain things that he will be like my ex because I just get spooked.

I don’t think theres anything wrong with being single for a bit and I think you are probably much stronger than me if you have managed to be so. For me I have had to be very brave to try to build a new relationship too though.

I think I will always worry about building a relationship with anyone new now. I don’t let myself make new friends even because of this.

[Serenity]

I think the cycle of abuse makes us go on hyper alert, and we feel things in a heightened way. The fear releases oxytocin in our bodies- which is the same hormone that is released when we fall in love.

Our abuser wants us to feel this, of course. They want us to feel desperate, dependant and overwhelmed by them. It’s their way of controlling us- to monopolise our emotions. Even after we are out, our emotions can take time to settle and the trauma bind continues for a while.

But of course, it’s an unhealthy kind of intensity.

When I was a teenager, I had a wonderful boyfriend. I’d had a difficult childhood and a previous boyfriend who was quite unkind to me, so when this nice boyfriend came along, I didn’t know what to do. I felt confused by his niceness. I ended up going out with someone else a few years later, who charmed me at first, but turned out to be dreadful. I went abroad to escape it all and relationships were the last thing from my mind- I wanted to concentrate on my career, and didn’t want to be mistreated by men anymore- but then I met my ex husband, who pursued me, and ended up being manipulative and unkind. By the end of my marriage, I could bear to look at him. He might have been gregarious and fun in public, but behind closed doors he was cruel.

Sorry for the rambling: Inthink what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been on a long, complex journey, where I have had to face some truths about myself and others, such as some people might be adventurous and exciting, and their confidence might be attractive, but if they are manipulative and controlling then they will destroy you. I feel ‘allergic’ to loud, look-at-me people, however confident and ambitious they may be: I now value kindness and compassion. A relationship for me would need to be like a deep friendship.

[pasta]

Hi Serenity

Don’t worry you are not rambling. I’m sorry to hear about you being unlucky with relationships.

My boyfriend now is what I think of as more like best friends with a bit more. It started off as friends. It sounds bad but I know I would be okay if we split up too which makes me feel relieved. Even though I do love him. I’m not so trapped though.

I just worry a bit I am missing out in having a passionate relationship like when you have all the butterflies and tingles and all that cheesy stuff because I only had that ith my ex. And I don’t know if that was part of the highs of an unhealthy relationship or not.

I wouldn’t want to split with my boyfriend in pirsut of some mad passionate love if it’s false but I also don’t want to stay and then wonder what I missed out on. I am happy wth him but I guess that’s what I have been wondering about.

[likevue]

I bookmarked this post months ago, and now the time has come to revisit. By some quirk of chance i have actually met someone! However I didn’t log in to gloat, as I’m now struggling with the same questions Pasta was telling us about a year ago.

I’ve been dating this man for a few months, meeting about 2-3 times a month, and he has said twice that he loves me. The first time I was surprised and spluttered out that it was scary, so he got embarrassed and i felt awful. I think I might love him, and sometimes i definitely feel like i do, but I think it’s too early and I worry because I simply can’t tell whether I love HIM or whether i’m just happy to not be alone. He is incredibly thoughtful and gentle and kind. But I think if I say it back, I’ll be trapped and it’ll be too late to bail out in case it turns out I was wrong. And i don’t want to hurt his feelings. I think if I say I love him, then I’ll have to love him.

I’ve thought to myself that if we have our first argument and he doesn’t become in any way abusive, then it’s safe to tell him about previous abuse (in broad terms), but that hasn’t yet happened. I don’t want to pick a fight, of course, but i feel like I need to “gather more information” before I know whether i can permit myself to love him and whether he’s definitely safe. But in the meantime I worry he’ll wander off assuming I don’t love him because I haven’t said. And of course I might be too scared to argue anyway. Basically I feel a stuck and I don’t know how to take the next step.

How can you tell? The only person I ever loved before was my abuser and my first love, and surely it’s not supposed to feel the way it did then, but I don’t know how to tell.

likevue

[KIP.]

Don’t feel pressured into saying anything. Don’t get bogged down into worrying what he thinks. This time, put yourself first. Your needs and your thoughts and desires come first. If you’re not ready for that conversation then simply say it’s too soon for you. There’s no rush.

[Flowerchild]

Dear Pasta,

Your ex was a dangerous abuser, without a doubt.

But the fact that your current boyfriend is besotted, kind, loyal and patient doesn’t mean you will automatically love him, does it?

You are comparing the two and your feelings for them as if they were the only two me in the world; the only alternatives, when they’re not, are they?

When you have recovered fully, you will no doubt meet more people – new friends and new potential partners – and you may find the one who quickens your pulse as well as being a decent human being worth committing to, who knows?

Give yourself recovery time, darling, and don’t be in a rush to commit to anybody except yourself – that’s my advice, for what it’s worth!

Flower x

[Author]

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