Did I lead him to the abuse?

[hardtomoveon]

I have been with a man for (detail removed by Moderator) years who I loved and thought loved me but we would break up a lot and get back together again which I thought created a toxic environment as it broke trust down between us over the years – but I would feel insecure as he would ignore my feelings at times and seem like he didn’t care – whenever he did this I would push a little harder and it would get worse.

The first time our argument escalated to more than verbal was about (detail removed by Moderator) in – we were on holiday and he told me he needed to get something from the room and come back. I thought whilst he was in the room I would get us some (detail removed by Moderator) to celebrate and cheers our (detail removed by Moderator) on holiday together when he came back (thought enough time for him to go and come back/me wait at the bar) but (detail removed by Moderator) went by and he hadn’t returned. I went to check on him and he started asking me why I couldn’t give him space and to leave him alone, I know that he needs his alone time. I felt shocked and confused as had been so excited and told him this, he started swearing and shouting “just f ofF” and spat at me – refused to speak to me that night and apologised the next day. I let it go even though he refused to sit with me (detail removed by Moderator) (went alone and I walked in trying to look for him to see him there! I was so embaressed…) gradually the goal posts moved, he would get angry when I told him I was upset, scream shout, swear. He started to push me – slam doors – at one point he picked me up and through me out in the (detail removed by Moderator) hallway, packed my things and told me to leave.

We spent (detail removed by Moderator) months apart and I really thought he had changed – coffee in bed every morning, walks in the park, making pizza nights, cuddles on the sofa.. he even planned to take me away for my (detail removed by Moderator) birthday which I was excited for but also nervous because on holiday his outbursts seem to come out. This time we were away and I talked about a family member who had passed and how hard the funeral was, he responded saying I’m always so negative and was bringing the mood down then pushed the wine and me and said “just go and have another drink” I was hurt again and responded by following him upstairs (he tells me not to do this as when he is angry he needs time to calm down – which I had been doing but this time I wanted to defend myself and his comments) he told me to f*** off and flipped a (detail removed by Moderator) over at me then pushed me out of the room and tried to barricade the door. I managed to push the door open somehow (I am (detail removed by Moderator) and he is over (detail removed by Moderator)!) and then he strangled me for a few seconds (I have a thumb print bruise and a vein was bulging for about half hour after) before letting go and barricading himself in. He told me to go and lock myself in the car because he didn’t know what he was going to do and I felt so upset and apologised for not giving him space to calm down and said I still loved him. (detail removed by Moderator) we were driving home and when I brought it up he told me to not say another word because he would lose it.

We both decided we would get help – this is (detail removed by Moderator) on and I’ve had (detail removed by Moderator) calls with a therapist whereas he had a consultation but said they didn’t get on so he would find another one. When I told him he really needed to take what he did seriously he responded by saying “its not like I pinned you down and beat you up”. Does this mean he doesn’t think he’s done wrong? He also told me he isnt upset because we always get back together anyway so i’m questioning whether anything that wrong has happened? Am I going crazy and if I give him space to calm down in future can we move on from this? Help! Thank you x*x

[ISOPeace]

Hardtomove on I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through this. I felt sad reading your post. The abuse sounds awful and serious. I didn’t need to read your post to tell you that you did not lead him to the abuse. Abuse is never justified. Having read your post I can see that he’s done the typical abuser tactic of making you think everything’s your fault.

When you ask if it’s your fault because you didn’t give him space, my heart goes out to you. Like everybody else on here, I have believed that if I changed the abuse would stop. The reality is that there is little you can do to change things other than leave. There may be times when you can pacify him, but the nature of abuse is that he will find a reason to be abusive. Abuse is really about control. Even though the trigger appears to be you not giving him space, it’s actually part of a bigger plan to control you (although people disagree about how much of it is done consciously). The fact that you believe it’s your fault is a sign that he is controlling you.

His comment about not having pinned you down and beat you up is typical minimising – he’s trying to make you believe it’s not a big deal. But it is a big deal. Was his comment about the time he strangled you? That is serious assault. It is not the behaviour of an empathetic partner and not acknowledging the seriousness of it is a very worrying sign Would he do that to you in public? If not, he knows it’s a big deal too. Abuse happens behind closed doors because it needs secrecy to continue. The fact that he doesn’t do it in public also shows that he is able to control his behaviour.

Can you imagine what you would say to a friend who described your story and thought her partner’s behaviour was her fault? I doubt you would agree with her when seeing it from the outside. Even if you were screaming in his face, his behaviour would not be ok. He always has the choice to leave the situation if he needs space. It doesn’t sound like he’s intimidated by you – it’s the other way around. I would highly recommend reading up on abuse. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is a book that’s commonly recommended on here. It’s really eye opening.

Unfortunately abusers rarely change and you certainly can’t expect the abuse to stop by modifying your behaviour. Your behaviour does not cause the abuse. His need for control causes the abuse. You would have to literally read his mind and never put a foot wrong to meet his expectations and even that might not be enough. I’m sorry if this sounds really negative. I know it’s really hard to accept that he is unlikely to change. You are not alone. You will find so much support and strength on this forum. I would advise you contact your local women’s aid and the national domestic abuse helpline. There is lots of support available. You deserve so much better than this. Sending lots of love xxxx

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