Did I set this up for happening?

[Anonymous]

I’m alway wary of weekends because of sex with my husband and other arguments just seem more intense.. but since being told certain acts can be called rape I now feel I’m just seeing him through that so now think Is it possible that I’m just now looking for it to be wrong and therefore seeing something not there? As in looking back I don’t think the last year any acts have been me fully consensual but then that’s cus I’m unhappy with him and I don’t enjoy and just never want it .
I tried this weekend to be very clear in my no ( making a mental point so to not question myself) to know if he respected my no’s and on the (detail removed by moderator) he accepted it. However Last night I was so exhausted and feeling ill I’d taken my (detail removed by moderator) which makes me drowsy but I’d been in living room and stayed with him rather than going to bed so I’d probably given him hope of having sex perhaps but I sensed he’d taken something as in snorted because of how he was acting I tried to catch him out and get him to admit it by saying to him how understanding I was and he shouldn’t hide it etc but
To cut long story short it transpires he put (detail removed by moderator) in my drink to get “ me in the mood as a joke” but I was drowsy from my tablets that I fell asleep on sofa he had sex with me ( I’m told tonight just now as he made a few remarks and I knew because u just know by the feeling down there after being different to put it politely ) but I feel so dirty and it’s my husband so I’m in the wrong because I shouldn’t feel dirty by him being intimate I feel so confused because I started this weekend confident that if he still did something when I clearly said no then I’d know how he had no respect but he didn’t when I was clear but when I was exhausted and d***y I don’t know if it made him think I was just all ok. ?

[Bruisedbutbrave]

I know exactly how you feel .
I have been through this over 10 years
Feeling used. Felt dirty
Nothing would make me happy. No designer clothes or shoes
I was so hurt and traumatized deep inside
And it’s hard to accept that a husband can do such hideous act and betray you
It’s a sinking deep hole and you feel so alone and trapped
I accepted this for my children for over 10 years but it didn’t get better
He used and abused me
And I reached the verge of mental and physical collapse
I reported abuse to police
It’s the most horrific feeling you can ever go through
Someone you loved and trusted can hurt you so much

I am so sorry what you are going through as I know how exactly it feels
Be strong
And stand up for yourself before it’s too late
Report him to police
It’s not easy but you gotta do what’s right for you .

Lots of love and prayers x*x

[Tiffany]

Let’s put this story bluntly. Your partner spiked your drink with potent illegal drugs. “As a joke.” “To get you in the mood for sex.” Neither of these are good reasons to drug people against their will. It’s a grey area even in hospitals where you are being given drugs to improve your health. If you refuse to take the drugs there are very few times when a medical professional can force you to take them. And these are safe prescription drugs, designed to improve your health and whose interactions with the other drugs you are on have been carefully tested. Frankly your partner could have killed you. Goodness knows what kind of a reaction the cocaine could have had with your prescription meds.

When you passed out on the sofa – possibly due to the interaction of said drugs, his reaction was not to check you were ok, try to get you into a more safe position – I would absolutely have been getting you into the recovery position incase the interaction of the drugs later caused vomiting. Although frankly we wouldn’t be having this problem, because I cannot imagine ever thinking it was a reasonable idea to spike anyone’s drink with anything.

Instead he raped you.

There is no other way of putting it. It isn’t a case of grey lines. There is no way he could have misinterpreted what you said or wanted. You were unconscious. Unconscious people cannot consent. And he cannot have failed to notice that you were unconscious. Even if you had been in the middle of giving him a b******b wearing nothing but a pair of high heels when you passed out, that would not equal consent. It might be frustrating for your partner. But that doesn’t negate the fact that unconscious people cannot consent. Passing out on the sofa definitely doesn’t mean consent. You absolutely didn’t set yourself up for what happened to you. It is absolutely not your fault.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It’s utterly awful. You must feel awful. But none of it is even slightly your fault.

I would suggest that you should call rape crisis for some support. And maybe get yourself checked out by a doctor if you can bear it. Honestly, I think by the sounds of it that there will be physical evidence of what happened to you, and there might be damage serious enough that it needs treating. And then I would talk to women’s aid about your options. Look after yourself. Remember it’s not your fault.

[KIP.]

I did the same as you when I became confused about consent. I kept saying no but he did it anyway. Saying we had previously agreed to sex on this particular evening. They will make up ridiculous excuses for raping you. Have a look at the Thames Valley video on rape. Comparing to a cup of tea. It’s very simple but totally makes sense. Nobody has a right to have sex with you. Even your husband needs clear consent which cannot be given if you’re incapacitated. Ring the police and rape crisis. This is just another form of abuse. It will destroy your self esteem.

[fizzylem]

This isn’t consentual; he spiked you with cocaine with no concern for you or your health at all. You didn’t set this up, he set it up. I think it’s pretty obvious you didn’t consent if you were asleep. This is rape. This man is dreadful A. You’ve been suffering this for so long now and feel completely powerless to change it that you can’t see the wood for the trees x

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for replying to me. I’ve been reading the replies throughout the day I don’t know why this time I just feel so odd just cannot process anything today . I know how it looks written down yet I just can’t seem to fully grasp. There’s no injuries to show a gp it’s just that usual achey bruises feeling you get normally after ( or maybe that’s not normal in itself then ?)

[Lisa]

Hi Anononagain

Sorry to hear about what happened.It’s good to see that you have had very supportive replies.

It was not your fault at all, it was clear you did not want to do anything sexual with him and he knew this. You can not consent when you are drowsy after medication, or asleep. It is really concerning that he put something in your drink, and again you are not able to consent.

It’s understandable that you need some time to process what has happened. I just wanted to let you know that you can contact Rape Crisis or go their website to find your nearest Rape and Sexual Assault Referral Centre to get support. You can arrange an appointment with a professional who can support you and explore your options on what you could do next, they are not linked to the police, but can keep evidence for you in case you do decide to go to the Police in the future.

The helpline is open 24hrs a day (0808 2000 247) too if you need to talk things through.

Take care and please keep posting to let us know how you are doing.

Lisa

[Tiffany]

Achey bruises are absolutely not normal after sex. In consentual sex then the minute anything happens that feels painful and like they might cause bruising and you stop sex. It’s not that easy with an abuser and I think most of us here have at o e point or another just bit our tongues and put up with it rather than kick off another fight. But that is not, and should never have been, normal.

[Anonymous]

I’ve always just assumed it’s just me since kids to be honest . I know he’s certainly never gentle but not always too rough.
I don’t think I have any self esteem to destroy if I’m perfectly honest and I feel resigned not determined. Im on a waiting for counselling that my gp recommended but even when I go like I have before they can’t help if they don’t know the full truth.

And I’m not capable of truth , this life truly just feels like sinking sand . Sorry for being melodramatic I know I should just pick up but it’s harder than before . It must have been one our cycles of incidents as in maybe he’s aware because he’s all attentive to me and kinder “eyed” .
You’re right I truly can’t see the wood for the trees .

[Tiffany]

You are not being melodramatic. You can’t see it right now, but actually you are underplaying the horror of what has happened to you because you can’t handle processing it while trying to deal with ongoing abuse.

It absolutely isn’t you that is the issue during sex. And you haven’t convinced yourself that you are the issue either. He has convinced you of that through a programme of carefully planned abuse. This is not your fault. It is not your failing. You are in an awful situation with no easy ways out.

You do have worth though. You are a human being. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. It might help to keep reminding yourself of that. My path to freedom started with a single mantra: it’s ok to do what is best for me. It was hard to believe at first. But I kept reminding myself and reminding myself. Until eventually I was able to see that what was best for me was to leave my abuser. It took a while to realise, even after I got out that actually it was more than ok to do what was best for me. Actually it was imperative for me to do what was best for me. No one else could do it. But I had gotten so used to putting myself second after my abuser that it was a hard habit to break.

It’s ok for you to do what is best for you too. And I suspect that what is best is probably to tell someone what is going on. Maybe start with women’s aid or rape crisis, as they really understand the dynamics and can help you understand what has happened and what your options are. But telling your GP and getting it on record could work too. If it’s easier you could write something down to give to them rather than saying it aloud. Frankly you have a case for going straight to the police too – but if course you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Whatever you do stay safe and look after yourself. You are important and you deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for reassuring me that it isn’t me or in head or my fault.
I feel like I’ve made it more real than just writing online anonymously because I’ve broke down and confided in my friend regarding this specific incident.I was shocked at how devastated she was and I feel more sadness . I almost thought because she knew him personally she would see how maybe it’s something not so clear but she didn’t..

[KIP.]

Well done for confiding in someone close. Abuse thrives on silence. Her response should confirm that what he is doing to you is abhorrent and illegal and not your fault. Blood or hair samples may still contain the drug he used so it’s worth telling your GP. At least to log his behaviour x

[fizzylem]

So pleased you have confided in a friend – this is def a step in the right drection – doing cartwheels for you. Yes! It’s so true, it is the silence and being on your own with it that helps to keep it going x

[Anonymous]

I felt a little emboldened and have asked him outright which I wish I hadn’t now because now I’m being told He says I was awake but acting really odd with him . That I apparently enjoyed it all .. that he was one after to carry me to bed when “ asleep” and he checked on me and put covers back on me ( in a separate room from where he sleeps as I don’t sleep in there) .

[fizzylem]

So sorry A, guess this affirms he did then as you suspected. Big hugs x

[Anonymous]

Fizzylem I genuinely think I must have my head on wrong because to me it wasn’t confirmation I was regretting saying anything because now I doubt whether he was made to think was ok etc. I don’t think I trust anything myself at all. I don’t see things how people see them and that’s not ok for my girls more importantly. I called w a when he was out but I know it’s only really viable when leaving a time to call but I can never guarantee that time slot. I either have my phone on me but can’t talk or I have it on me but kids around or he’s told me I’m on it too much so it’s with him .i also now feel so sorry I know to you all I’m a stranger but I do feel guilty for every invested line that someone types I feel Anger at myself that I can’t fully move past the validation because I then question it all again. I am sorry x

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi sweetheart,

Don’t be sorry, you do not have anything to be sorry for. Write here any time you want, it’s always okay to write here. This isn’t a forum where you have to pay us back for talking with us, sweetheart. You will always be given advice but we all know how hard it is so you will never be judged if you don’t have it in you to follow the advice or if you doubt yourself.
Sweetheart, he is making you doubt yourself. These are the stories he tells to make his abuse all okay. But they’re just stories, they’re not real. They’re justifications and rationalisations, but there is never an excuse for abuse even if he wants you to think so.
Please keep confiding in your friend. Remember the reaction! Even how you describe how he minimises how he hurt you, it still sounds awful and still sounds like abuse. I don’t fully grasp gaslighting but I think this might be what he is doing to you.
He hurt you. He raped you. And he is trying to make up stories so that you question your reality. Keep confiding, in us, in your friend, and remember that note you had? Please keep that note and next time you see GP/Dentist, you try to give that note to them again, okay? I believe in you, you will pass that note onto them one day because you are here and you are sharing your story, and we all can see this is abuse and that he is trying to make you think it isn’t. Deep down you know this is abuse. And it’s scary, so very very scary, to admit to ourselves fully and completely that we are being abused. But you can do it, I know you can. We all believe in you.

[Tiffany]

I am afraid this is classic gas lighting. It’s when they tell a different story to what you know is reality over and over until we start to question our sanity. I thought I was going mad. That I must have the most appalling memory because so many things I thought I remembered I was told had never happened – and so many things he told me had happened I had no memory of. He mostly did this about small stuff – which day we had been to the shops. Where I left my keys. I wonder now if he used to move them, as I often couldn’t find them where I thought I had left them. I mean I still occasionally lose them in the house, but it used to be almost a daily occurrence and now it happens maybe every couple of months. But it really comes into it’s own when they do truly awful things to us. Because we are so used to thinking they have a better grip on reality than we do. My ex almost always remembered where I had left my keys after all – and I could not. So when he told me that him punching me while I was asleep must have been a dream I couldn’t quite believe it, because you don’t exactly forget getting punched. But he was careful never to leave any bruises, and I didn’t want to believe that my partner who I loved would punch me while I was sleeping. So I stayed.

It took a leap of faith that I was doing the right thing for me by leaving him. I thought I would still have the appalling memory and the anxiety and everything else the abuse caused. But I was so bitterly unhappy, and if I had stayed I was on course to marry the man. So I left. And then I learned that what he had been doing was abuse and that without it my memory was fine and I didn’t think I was going mad and I didn’t cry every night anymore. It took a couple of years of no contact and processing, and improvements were gradual, but I am happier now than I have been since before I met my abuser.

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Anononagain

I am so glad you felt able to come here and ask your really difficult questions, at a time when you feel so scared and mistrusting of your own instincts.

Somewhere, maybe very hidden inside, you knew something was wrong.

You started your post with worries about things that you were feeling. You were brave enough to listening to your feelings that tell you when something is very wrong.

He will always deny it, so no need to challenge him. To have done this he thought he was right and entitled to treat your body like his personal property. Its not, and you are mind body and soul, with your own thoughts and feelings. You do not belong to him. You trusted him and now you know for sure he has done te ultimate in abusing your deepest intimacies.

You absolutely do deserve to never have this happen again, and to have love, support and kindess to heal and be safe.

Do keep getting your support and practice listening to that part of you that helps you to know whats happening to you.

You are not lying, you are being lied to, by him, someone you trusted and believed, buy now you have your own belief and knowledge of whats hes done to you.

Its.a very difficult thing to deal with, to accept and get over, so give yourself time and pstence with this.

Please keep talking, especially when you feel unsure and need a sounding board to bounce things off (just post again on here)

You are, sadly, really not alone in this. We re all here for you.

Warmest wishes

TS

[fizzylem]

You dont need to apolgise sweetie; hey, look we all get it, we’ve all been here or we’re here now – its’s a total head wreck! I think we need to keep building you some support atm. Keep trying the helpline numbers. Sounds like it would be good for you to leave the house and go to see a support worker at the local charity as you’d feel a lot safer, when the girls are at school – would this be better? Think you could get into town to do this? xx

[Anonymous]

I think I would find anything so much easier when I know children are taken care of in school and nursery . I live relatively remotely it’s awkward with most things even just day to day however I feel like I’m one step away from exploding tonight so cannot picture me able to see past the bare functioning . I don’t know what to do with this weight around me. I have a big thing this weekend too specific to say as well as the last few weeks involving significant dates that have zapped me of my energy and all of it I feel ragged whilst he watches me struggle. Yet will randomly do something that helps alleviate it to then have to be so grateful

I’m scared tonight not because of him or we’ll ultimately it is Him is t it? But because I fear I will snap at him and not just give in /apologise/ be attentive. I’ve been physically sick yesterday from everything, I feel just awful .
When I look back on my first posts under the first name here I once wrote about how straight after strangling or punching leg etc he would do a jokey thing the following day and week and I’d question oh maybe it was plAy fighting etc. I noticed this week he’s used such sordid words and phrases and how he bets I’m so sore but followed with I enjoyed etc etc followed by me having sex with him again ( hence me being physically sick yesterday ) but I’m writing now as I cannot muster confidence to say all these words to someone in person and I maybe just need to get this off my chest out there before this overspills into a row when I step into the living room. I can’t cope with another night yet can’t cope with the process of leaving.
I’m silencing my voice in head that says go on tell him how you feel and once it erupts you can leave because I think I know now I won’t because I’ll be too shocked or hurt or sad or then think I goaded.

[fizzylem]

Hey you, use the forum as you need for sure, we’re all here for you. Writing it all ‘out’ will help you to kepp making sense of it. I imagine it was really painful reading, reading your posts back, that was a good idea, but it drags up the emotions hey, but I think this is needed. I believe it’s really important to respond to how we feel, one part of this is to acknowledge how we feel and you are clearly doing this reading your posts back. All a step in the right direction A.

Hoping you get through the difficult time you say is looming and approaching.

It might be worth contacting the local WA charity as they may be able to help even though you’re living quite a way a way. My support worker has been like an angel sent from the gods A, I couldnt have done this without her – it is such a comfort and so helpful to me to speak with her as I dont have to explain anything, she totes gets what I am talking about and always has good advice. It would be good to know you also have a person like this in your life. Big hugs to you lady. If I had a magic wand you know what I would do x*x

[Tiffany]

This sounds so utterly awful Anononagain. Honestly, I am quite worried about your safety. I think it’s KIP who always says a man who will strangle you is a man who could kill you, because with strangulation they put you literally seconds from death. I still fine it hard to believe that of my ex. He went in more for suffocation than strangulation – holding his hands over my mouth and nose, and he was too strong to stop him. He made out it was just a joke. But it was terrifying, and looking back I realise that logically KIP is right, he could have killed me. Even though it’s still hard to believe that on an emotional level. I still view it with complete detachment, like I was never truly at risk.

I just wanted to let you know that you can walk away from this man. Either by making a plan and getting out that way, or just by packing a bag taking the kids and leaving. Your local authority would have to find you accomodation as a woman fleeing abuse, and you would also be eligible to go into a refuge.

If you can’t get through to the national helpline, then try looking up your local women’s aid number. They are sometimes less busy than the national lines. The only real downside to them is that they are not 24/7 – in a rural area they might be fairly limited. I live in a really rural area, but even then we have a women’s aid worker. And if she is not available then we are able to use the helpline for the next area over, which is a bit more populous and is able to run at least normal office hours. We have a refuge too, which really surprised me – I thought we might be too tiny or remote and have to move hundreds of miles to go to one. I was really surprised to find out my nearest one was no further away than the nearest secondary school. I didn’t need it, as I moved back to the rural area of my childhood to escape my abuser, but it is reassuring to know that they there. Obviously I cannot promise you that there will be one so close, but don’t assume that there won’t, just because you live rurally.

Don’t feel like you have to get through ‘important events’ before you can go either. I wasted many months doing that. Your safety and happiness are more important than any big event which might be coming up.

Stay safe. Look after yourself. You can do this.

[Anonymous]

its hard to think back on previous messages because I realise how trapped by my own fear I am because I see how I thought gosh this is it etc then tried to leave in a gentle way but even then I couldn’t hide from him when he kept ringing about why I was being cagey so I told him I’d written a letter and tried to leave it at that. And that really didn’t work. I did find local domestic abuse charities the area code I can see is not too far but a city nonetheless. I keep coming up with plans of Going and this is to avoid him being spoke of as abusive to another person. Then I find myself dreaming of being found in the middle of an argument or a neighbour ringing someone. I know how much he’s on the verge .. it’s not stopped just postponed.. Our neighbours know him from school days and I don’t as I’m near two decades younger so to all I’m the daft one who is “ fraught all the time “ .

Is it normal to so dramatically vary between wanting him to he caught /found with all sorts like his drink driving his drugs his violence and his other things to wanting to protect him from people that may not understand him etc .. I don’t understand myself in any of our relationship. Like I’m hypocritical so I guess I mean I’m wondering already what others may say to me if I completely go. I’m going to hit send but I apologise because it’s on my phone and I can’t scroll properly upwards and I know I’ve not said all but I genuinely find this so helpful even if I’m repetitive and keep going on .
H x

[AlwaysSorry]

It is normal, yes. I was the same – covering for him, not wanting him hurt, not wanting him in trouble. I think this is the trauma bond at work and it’s just another way they control us. I also think the fantasies you are having a very normal too, that would take it out of your hands and there’d be no doubt about what type of person he is from anyone as he would be caught red-handed. It’s hard when it happens behind closed doors and no one sees – mine got away with it for this very reason (no one saw him do it) – and sometimes we have to find the right people to have around us, those that will believe us. I wish I could tell you everyone will believe you, but there will be those who will side with him, at least that’s the picture I’m getting from reading so many stories from so many survivors. It’s not fair it’s like this and that’s why it’s so important to surround yourself with those who are good for you and believe you. Everyone here on this forum believes you. WA will believe you. None of these things make you hypocritical though, you are being abused and that’s why you are having these thoughts and feelings.

We’d always like to think that when a relationship breaks down, both parties can be mature about it and leave in a civilised matter. This is not the case in an abusive relationship. So I think it would be really good if you are ready to leave if you get all the help you can from WA or a local charity to come up with a plan to keep you all as safe as possible. You just need to tell once to WA, to the police, to your GP. Just that one time and then take all the help they will offer you. It’s such a hard thing to do and until you are ready and after you leave one day, you can always write on here. Don’t speak badly of yourself, sweetheart, it’s good to repeat it to ourselves, it’s good to remind ourselves so that we know this is really happening to us. Keep posting x

[fizzylem]

Yes completely, you are caring person so naturally care for him. I’m guessing he will have some lovely parts and you have maybe shared some fun times years ago. But you’ve seen all sides to him now haven’t you and know only too well that he is disturbed, controlling, abusive and violent. They are the masters at manipulation, and play with people’s perspectives, mine is the same, I’m the devil incarnate to his family and friends and to anyone that will listen. It might be in the city but it’s away from things and the girls, so it might enable you some head space and to feel safe when you go x

[Eggshells]

I so wish that I had collected evidence when I was raped. It’s too late now. Please do consider having evidence taken using the number given to you by the moderator. You dont ever have to use it if you don’t want to but if and when you decide that you do want to press charges, the evidence is there, kept safe and sound. Better to keep your options open.

[Tiffany]

I think we all fantasize about it coming to a clear and decisive end sorted by someone else on the one hand and there being some kind of magic happily ever after on the other before we leave. In your case it kind of sounds like it could be taken out of your hands if you report him to the police. I don’t know that I would have been brave enough to do that. But it is an option. I just made it real by telling people about what was going on. In my case friends and family – although I realise now that I was lucky that none of them tipped him off. But I would maybe suggest women’s aid and your GP. I found hearing other people’s reactions to what was happening helped me to accept it was real, and put my plans in motion and actually leave him. It reaches a point where we need help to do that, and that is ok. Just don’t feel like you have to stay. You don’t. Your happily ever after is waiting for you, but it comes not with a magical change to him, but the magical change in you, once you break free, body and mind from the abuse and start living your life again.

[Anonymous]

Thank you . I’m finding it harder to log in but not through the classic keeping clear tabs but preventing me so much from having any time on phone or even just without kids or anything. I once write he was a good Dad because he hadn’t left like his dad like he tells me. But he isn’t fully interested. I’ve had hospital appointment after hospital appointment for one child and there is no asking how it went let alone offering to take time off and being self employed surely that’s easy to.

And I’m getting angry because little things like sports days surely someone who cared would at least ask how they went even if they didn’t care to remember it going on.

He doesn’t care. I prompt him in front of them to say how did it go or tell daddy how today went.

I know that is not awful behaviour in itself but (detail removed by moderator) I’m so cross because of appointments and major things and I’ve refused to approach him but he’s blanked me since he came back then as I’ve not spoke he’s playing the wounded man im ignoring him . But he’s slamming about the bathroom and hallway ( at his pain ) and now I’m worried

[Anonymous]

And I’m sorry I sent too soon before finishing my sentence as phone may need to be turned over . But I’m not worried for my safety just worried of an argument is what I meant to say x

[Tiffany]

I totally understand. It isn’t the worst thing he has done, but it’s a small continual thing that wears away at you. They really grind you down. I had a few like that. Really trivial, from the outside. Like whenever I cooked something I had made before he would tell me it was really nice, but he liked it better the way I made it last time. Sounds innocuous enough. He’d say it in front of guests. But when that is the response to everything you ever cook it really gets you down.

To be honest, I am not sure that your rational mind is capable of judging your safety at the moment. Even just slamming doors is physical abuse if it is done to scare you. Almost impossible to prove that is why he is doing it, but I suspect it is. Same with keeping you from having time alone on your phone. He’s upping the abuse to try and keep you in your place. If you get a safe time tomorrow I would pack an emergency bag incase you have to leave in a hurry – some clothes for you and the kids, some cash, any meds you need, copies of your important documents. I put my stuff in a big handbag and just left it by the door. It was there maybe three months before I got out, and I didn’t need it in the end – managed a planned escape. But it was good to know that if I had to run I would at least have a change of clothes and enough cash for a couple of nights in a b&b until I got sorted. I also put my important phone numbers on a bit of paper so I could call people even if I had to leave without my phone. I also got into the practice of always keeping the phone in arms reach. With kids if you need a bigger bag then something like a swimming bag – swim stuff on top, vital escape stuff underneath might work. Or even a black bag of “stuff for the charity shop”. Pr if you can leave it at a friend’s house or something.

Stay safe.

[Author]

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