Did you report your abuser?

[Purplecupcake]

Has anyone here ever reported their abuser to the the police? And if so how did it turn out?

I’ve spoken to a support worker who has advised me to report the abuse to the police asap, but I have some doubts.

there was no physical abuse involved so I have no evidence of the abuse, it’s very much a he said she said situation, so I feel like there will be a whole lot of stress that will result into nothing and ultimately make him angrier and more abusive.

On the other hand if things do work out in My favour I worry how that will affect my children, despite everything he is their father and they love him.

Also I am still currently living with my abuser so would it be best to wait until I have left before I report him?

There are so many factors involved that I’m not sure what to do.

[Marmalade]

Hi Purplecupcake,
Reporting to the police is a very personal decision. There will be different opinions on this forum. For immediate physical danger people will say report. For emotional abuse, there will be a range of opinions. Some people have had a positive experience, others a terrible experience with the police. It depends on the circumstances and how your local force deals with domestic abuse. There will be a big difference between forces. It’s a balance. These are some risks. Once you report, you are not in control of what they do. They decide if they have enough evidence to take it further and if so can run with it, whether you wish that to happen or not. If they decide not to proceed then they can drop out of the picture, leaving you with the aftermath which can be serious. On the other hand, if the police think your circumstances merit it, they can assist in getting your husband out of the home temporarily.
From my experience, I would say think through everything and all the consequences before reporting and decide if it is right for you. I reported. I got out of a serious coercive controlling, emotional, financial and sexually abusive relationship with threats of violence. In my case, with my force, the police were beyond appalling. There was no training on non physical DA and a terrible blatant victim blaming attitude. The whole experience was abusive and demeaning. But other women will have totally different experiences and some forces do have trained and sympathetic officers. It’s a geographical lottery.
So, it has to be what is right for you. What protects and safeguards you the most and achieves what you want to happen.
Good luck with this. I know what this feels like. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss more x

[tiredofitall]

Hi, I was living with my husband for some months after I decided to end it. Like you he was emotionally abusive. He was physically intimidating and there were hints of violence but not anything that felt strong enough to go to the police with. After I made the initial decision, his emotional abuse really ramped up so I started recording conversations on my phone and sending emails of his behaviour to my work email (detail removed by Moderator)

I also had a call with my local police wand explained that I did not want to press any charges but I wanted to make them aware that I had some concerns about how things might play out so that if I did call them i didn’t need to start from zero. They gave me a number to quote if i did need to call. I didn’t need it but it did give me a bit of comfort.
I did get the impression that they didn’t feel that there was enough evidence to act upon but they could warn him. I felt that if he knew they were involved it might have made him more desperate. So i just kept out of his way as much as possible, tried not to engage when he ranted at me and separated myself away from him in the house (moved into dining room and turned it into my bedroom).
Our children are older – one of them doesn’t talk to him and one of them does. Its their choice – as you say he is their dad. But i know that they have both been affected by the environment that they lived in for way too long. I feel guilty about that and wish that I had been able to leave sooner so they were exposed to less.
Trust your instincts.

[Decagon]

Hi Purplecupcake,
As Marmalade, and tiredofitall have said, it is very difficult to know how to proceed, my ex was very unpredictable, and even at his worst, I didn’t report him to the police.
He was mentally abusive – pretty much daily, threatening, bullying, physically – rarely, and sexually.
I did report him, just as we were leaving, and I found the police listened, but had not enough evidence, as most of it was in the past, and I had no details.
The advice was keep a record of what happened, so I could build a case.
Once I finally left, with our children, he was a nightmare, and I did report him, take him to court and got a restraining order. For my self, his behaviour towards our eldest 2, caused him to lose parental control/rights.
A lot of years down the line, most of our children choose not to engage with him, one has totally cut all ties, 2 phone out of care/thoughtfulness, one defends him, but doesn’t call him.
It is a choice only you can make, but it is your choice.
Good luck, which ever path you choose.

[Author]

Posts