This topic contains 7 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  AlwaysSorry 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #85598
     marmaladechamp 
    Participant

    I was just wondering if you told your partner the reason you were leaving was because he was abusive? I didn’t tell mine, I just said that too much had happened and that I was hurt and needed to heal.

    I keep panicking thinking if he finds out that I’ve told my friends and family that he was emotionally abusive towards me and controlling that he will be really angry and I dont know what he would do. That scares me.

    We have a joint contract and bank account together and I’ve been speaking to them and explaining my situation but making it clear that I cannot be in the same room as him or in contact. They have all been really helpful so far but I am so scared someone will say the reason to him.

    A lot of my anxiety about the situation stems from the thought of seeing his friends or family and them having a go at me for leaving him like I did. I dont want to tell them that’s the reason I left him because I am scared about how they will react and then how he will when it gets back to them.

    I just wish this anxiety would go away because its making me feel scared to leave the house. I keep checking over my shoulder.

  • #85599
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s normal to atill be frightened of his reaction. Even a long time after leaving. This just proves you were right all along. It’s nobodys business why you left. I’m sure his family will know what he is like. There’s no rush to tell anyone. You have every right to have no contact with whoever you choose. You do not have to justify your actions. As for telling him why you left, he knows but will never ever admit it. Don’t waste your time trying to explain. He will just twist everything and leave you feeling distraught again. You’re going to be hyper vigilant for quite some time. That’s only natural. Keep doing relaxation exercises and try to get some good counselling.

  • #85667
     Sunshine1212165 
    Participant

    I found it hard to actually say, I’m leaving because you are abusive. I knew I’d be shot down for saying that.

    It was only when I got the court involved and got an injunction and eventually social services got involved, because of the way he was behaving (my constant calls to the police and the hell I was living with), that they told him it was ‘domestic violence’.

    Of course he denied it was abusive and said I’d made it up, that I was a liar etc. It was really quite hard to deal with, because you start questioning if it was ‘violence or abuse’, even though you already know it was. I really do think that’s just proof to yourself that it really was, because you are questioning your own judgement.

    My ex even now says all I’ve ever done is lie about everything. He will never accept any responsibility for what he did or does. But I’ve had many people speak to him and deal with him to confirm that he really is.

    I can understand why you feel afraid to say it. But it is what it is. If you don’t feel comfortable saying it to him then don’t, but don’t feel bad for telling other people the truth. You know what happened. Try not to let him scare you for opening up, I know how hard that is.

  • #85679
     Flowerchild 
    Participant

    It hardly matters what you tell them, really. They rarely see themselves as abusers. That’s always the other guy with the can of st*ll* and the wife b****r T-shirt. They’re not like him!

    It will make no real difference to what happens next. If he ever asks why you didn’t tell him, well, it’s because he IS an abuser and a) you knew he wouldn’t accept the label and b) you didn’t feel safe saying it!

    Flower x

  • #85701
     AlwaysSorry 
    Participant

    During my relationship with my ex I told him many times in one form or another that he was abusing me and to stop. Usually that would be turned around on me with him saying “no you’re abusing me by XYZ”. I remember one of the most horrendous beatings I ever got from him, I relive it very often in flashbacks and nightmares,. For nearly an entire day prior to that assault, he had told me in explicit details his sexual exploits with his colleagues. And for nearly an entire day I did not bite, I did not say anything, I just let him rant even though it absolutely destroyed me on the inside, being told to visualise what he was doing with these other women. And after nearly an entire day of that I finally said “stop”. I said a bit more than that word, but that was the key-word. I said stop. The beating began and there was a point where I was nearly not here anymore. Later, he had me sit down so he could talk some sense into me. And he told me he could not have me be so controlling and telling him to stop as that was a serious crime under coercive control. I could not be going around telling people “stop” because that was controlling. And everything was pinned on how I had said “stop” and how that was me committing a crime and that was me being the abusive one. Even if for nearly an entire day before he had talked about sex with other women, even if after I had said “stop” he had beaten me and frankly nearly killed me, I was made to believe that I had committed the crime there by saying “stop”.

    My point is, I tried everything I could think of with my ex to stop the abuse from happening. But trying to talk with him about it only brainwashed me further into thinking I was a criminal for having told him to “stop”. It wouldn’t matter or change anything to tell him “you abused me” because he would never accept it and would/will always turn it back on me.

    • #85746
       HopeLifeJoy 
      Participant

      I just had to tell you how incredibly sorry I am for what you went through AlwaysSorry, unexplainable despicable behaviour from his part, there are no words. Keep going, you will live a beautiful life, where there will be no more nightmares, you deserve the best of what life can offer, you’ll receive it you’ll see. 💪💕

    • #85801
       AlwaysSorry 
      Participant

      Thanks HLJ <3 It was very damaging for me as over the years I ended up believing I was the criminal whenever I’d say stop, there are still moments where I am terrified of being arrested for having tried to establish a boundary. So the doubt is still there sometimes that perhaps I was the abusive one for wanting boundaries. There’s no logic when it comes to discussing abuse with the abuser.
      We will all live beautiful lives without them, we all deserve the peace and freedom xx

  • #85744
     HopeLifeJoy 
    Participant

    No I didn’t tell him one single word, I left – actually we literally fled the home – without leaving a note, without a word, leaving my house keys at their usual place.
    I believed he didn’t deserve not even one more second of my time after what he’s done, he knows exactly why I left, he admitted to the incident in question days or was it weeks, I can’t recall, before – in writing! – so there really was no point, it was over.
    Domestic abuse was never mentioned, not even in court afterwards, because none of us realised this is what it was, even though I had evidence two fold, black on white and a written confession from him confirming the first offence. Mind-blowing how it all went.
    Only much later, when I’d already lost everything I found out this has been domestic abuse.
    Now I would have to take on the entire system who failed me, in two separate countries to add to the complexity, it looks like an entire chain of mountains to climb, I’m exhausted just thinking about it. I’ll find another way, I am optimistic.

    I wouldn’t waste any time either to explain anything to him, he won’t take it on board, it doesn’t matter what you will say to him, he will turn it around against you. He knows exactly what he but won’t ever admit it to anyone.

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