Did your Abuser have a difficult/traumatic childhood)

[Hereforhelp]

Hi All ❤️

I see a lot of posts regarding abusive partners Mental Health and how their partner had a traumatic childhood.

My ex had an awful childhood, he claimed to have MH issues too during our long marriage… when I met him, as an Empath, I felt so bad for him. I wanted to ‘prove’ to him how he could depend/trust Me… that’s when I first started to put his needs before my own.

I had suffered abuse as a child myself however I never took it out on anyone, I got help off my own back and learned ways to cope with my past traumas, which really helped.

My husband, when he claimed to get help for himself which was after an abusive incident would tell me how hard he was working on himself so as to be a better person/partner…it was all BS… he was just trying to find another emotional way to get ‘in’ and be seen as a victim.

I am curious how many other abusive partners used their Childhood trauma as an excuse for their behaviour?

I have since learned that I am not at all responsible for his behaviour, his childhood trauma which he also used as an excuse is also entirely his responsibility to get help for himself and not to show me how great he is (agenda!).

HFH ❤️

[Happybelle]

I don’t know that mine uses his childhood as an excuse but needs to acknowledge some awful things happened.
One parent (detail removed by moderator) the other has had a short turn in prison. (detail removed by moderator)
Family bereavements of key members who held their family together and were the good eggs has t helpd. I think there’s a lot that he hasn’t dealt with properly and needs to assess in his own life.

[StrongLife]

Yes. He did but never got help for it that I knew.

It was constantly a problem that needed to be addressed. He never did. I felt same way at first with putting his needs first.

Initially I was understanding- now I see it in a different light after leaving.

In the end of the relationship I felt that that problem was caused by me – I was not in his childhood so how could it?.

I suggested couples counseling until I did not any longer after he addressed it in another fashion which was ridiculous and abusive.

[Caledonia6]

My husband grew up with a father who ruled the roost. His Mother was very submissive. he was also extremely spoiled growing up

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi HFH

I hear a lot of people say this too that it is an excuse for their behaviour.

We choose how we treat people and for me with my past I promised to be a better parent, partner and so on. Thing is it’s difficult to break from the imprint of your upbringing for so many reasons. But you still have a choice, and if your up bringing makes your behaviour difficult you choose to change this or seek help.

I honestly believe if you’ve experienced abuse during childhood or adulthood you would not want to put anybody through it from your actions, you would not be abusive. Your heart knows better.

My husband is different in that he did have a traumatic upbringing but he won’t admit it. His dad drank too much, (detail removed by Moderator). His mother, my mother in law is (detail removed by Moderator) and so very controlling. My husband is like her. But he does not admit he has a problem and says his upbringing was perfect.

[Toofarr]

You’re describing my partner! He won’t admit his childhood was messed up. He thinks it was fine and his mother is perfect who he worships. She’s (detail removed by Moderator) who controls and manipulates them. He actually uses her to hurt me. She’s been much cause of the abuse I’ve suffered.

[swanlake]

My abuser had a horrendous childhood. But so did I, both witnessing and experiencing abuse like they did, and I’m not an abuser.
The places that I volunteer for refer people to perpetrator programmes if they disclose perpetrating as well as experiencing abuse.
So I conclude that abusers use even their experiences of abuse to manipulate people and it’s not a valid reason to dish out abuse to others.

[nbumblebee]

As you know my past isnt great but Id never ever hurt another as I know how much it hurts. I dont believe there is any excuse to abusive behaviour. My husbands patents both had affairs and I do wonder if that is why he is so sure I am having one so maybe there is something in what you are saying. That saying “hurt people hurt people” makes me so mad no, no they dont.
Bad people hurt people.
Maybe we need an answer to that why question, maybe we just need reasurance that its not down to us. This is what I struggle with.
Sending much love hereforhelp x

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