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    • #19257
      Serenity
      Participant

      Did your abuser try to erase the opportunities for adventure and fun and achievement from your life?

      Did he try to limit your successes, try to keep you at home and make your life dull and boring while he galavanted around like a free agent? Did he believe that you should be happy with just carrying out domestic duties?

      Did he refuse you things to make your home comfortable and fun and want you to live with very little and deny the kids things?

      Did he resent you for going out in the evening- but go out himself until all hours?

      Did he try to rob you of your individuality and excitement?

      Was he- like my ex- blind to the magic and beauty of family life? Did he care more about impressing strangers than loving his own family?

      Mine did.

    • #19261

      I have always had a mischievous, fun side to my personality, from a youngster. He did not get or understand this so I did not bring it out, I always had to watched how I acted in case of offending him. He didn’t limit my successes but I think this were a deliberate tactic on his part to keep me confused, throwing in some good with the bad (intermittent reinforcement). He always used to say he would like to encourage me being successful, it didn’t really add up as at the same time I rarely felt truly happy or comfortable in his company. Throughout the whole of our relationship I can count on one hand the number of times that he treated me to a night out where he paid in full. I think twice in the whole of our relationship he took me out. Christmas, birthdays & Valentines were always hit & miss whether I would get anything, it were so hurtful. These times to me are important where you show loved ones how much you care. He and I could have had a wonderful, joyous and happy companionship going into our old age together, i have the attributes to have worked through problems, he has thrown this chance away.

    • #19262
      Alicenotichains
      Participant

      Yes both my abusive men tried to control successes. In fact when I achieved things in would say the abuse escalated. I think I attempted to do the things I did in part to impress the men so they would realise my value and not be unkind to me. But it seemed to make them more angry! I understand that dynamic more now and the fact that it wasn’t about my worth it was about theirs. Towards the end of my last relationship I met a friend for a coffee and my ex went beserk. I had texts constantly throughout seeing my friend in the cafe- I kept looking in my bag at my phone and my heart was sinking. God forbid I went on a girls night out!! Well i wouldn’t even have done that- the hassle would have been too much.
      Now, I find that I have lost sight of my successes as they have been tainted by something. I feel a bit numb. I recently achieved something huge- I feel happy but mainly I just feel a bit numb as I have been taught a new way to respond to good things.
      All this re-wiring of your brain after the abuse is hard work- they have got inside and meddled with your thinking processes- you don’t know up from down!

      X

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