Didn’t want to think it was abuse

[LizSKY]

I am new to the forum and wanted to post as I am still confused about my situation. I feel bad even talking about everything as I’ve just got in from work and he had made my tea and done some housework.

There are good days and bad days. It is just so up and down. My partner has a bad temper and I feel like I am walking on eggshells a lot of the time. I have never even considered what goes on really as abuse and I am still not convinced as I have brushed it off for so long and considered it as the norm.

I have been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator) It started to go down hill when he always wanted to go out drinking (I was pregnant at the time). He would go out and call me in the middle of the night telling me I needed to come and get him as he was in a bad way and at times when I refused he would say that he would kill himself if I didn’t.

He has also had a problem with texting other women but if I ever mention it he starts to get angry and he turns it all round on me. I get accused of cheating when I go out and he constantly calls me to see where I am.

The anger has got worse to a point some days just asking a question results in me being told to f* off or him shouting/calling me whatever he likes.

I don’t think I would say that he has ever really hurt me physically but does push me, twist my arm or pins me up against the wall at times. He threw the iron the other day and it just missed me but said he was only moving it out of the way.

I have asked him to leave a number of times – he won’t but I’ve never felt like I can take it any further. He is very good at making me feel like it’s my fault. I am at a point now where I feel really depressed and don’t know what to do. I feel like it’s me that’s in the wrong and that I’m going crazy!

Thanks for taking time to read this!

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there and welcome. You’re not going crazy, he is abusing you. Doing abusive things then turning it round and blaming you is called Gaslighting, a form of emotional abuse. Throwing the iron at you, pushing you, twisting your arm and pinning you against the wall is all physical abuse. Swearing at you and calling you names when you ask a question is emotional abuse and a way to shut you down and control you. It sounds, like many abusers, that he might also be cheating on you with these other women he texts, they often accuse us of what they are doing themselves. It is not right for him to be messaging other women then getting angry at you, I’d be extremely upset by that behaviour too as it is disrespectful and suggests cheating has or is about to happen.

Constantly calling you to ask your whereabouts is controlling behaviour and threatening suicide is emotional abuse. All of this behaviour means you are under his control, Look up Coercive Control and the Cycle of Abuse as well as the Power and Control Wheel and see if it helps things make more sense. Abuse is very confusing.

He will always try to make you feel crazy and like it’s your fault because that way you are easier to manipulate and are less likely to leave, my ex did the same, he would be abusive then deny it had ever happened or somehow make it my fault. These men are dangerous, give the helpline a call and talk about options. Abuse always escalates so put your and your child’s safety safety first. If you are thinking of leaving don’t tell him your plans as they can be very dangerous when they realise their control is slipping. Also, they often revert to ‘nice’ behaviour like cooking you dinner when they sense you have had enough, it’s all part of the cycle of abuse.

[puzzledatlife]

I am learning a lot. See LizSky, 2 months ago I would have written to you: It doesn’t matter whether or not HE is abusive. What matters is how YOU feel. Suppose the whole world accept that his behaviour is perfectly acceptable; if you are not feeling happy, secure, protected, then what he does is not right for you. Now instead I understand that the situation of abuse is much more complex. We lose sight of how we feel, because that is what the abuse does to us. We feel de-legitimised. Yes we feel unhappy but “why should we?” “another man will be the same”; and here we are asking whether we are crazy or what we see is real. I am very sad for what you are going through. I think giving it a name helps. x

[IrisAtwood]

Hi, I am sorry but what you are describing is abuse. Women in good relationships don’t ask those questions. The fact that you are asking indicates that you don’t trust your own judgement and this is also a characteristic of victims of abuse. You feel crazy and depressed because of his behaviour.

Imagine sitting your partner down and sharing your concerns with him…if you can’t do that without him losing his temper, throwing things or hurting you then you are being abused. In healthy relationships the couple are able to talk about their concerns in a way that is respectful for both of them.

Regarding separating I think you need to ring the helpline as they can give you the advice that you need.

[LizSKY]

Thank you both for your replies. I have just read about the things you have suggested and it does put more things in to perspective now. It is only recently I have even considered anything other than normality even at times when he has had me pinned against the wall with his hands round my neck. Why I have brushed this off I have no idea – maybe for an easy life?!

I think you’re right he has started to realise that I am planning to leave as this morning he has got up with the kids (this NEVER happens). But then it adds to my guilt of ‘maybe things aren’t that bad after all’.

It is so sad to hear what others are going/have been through but also knowing that people have left gives me hope that I can leave too. I will try and give the helpline a call soon.

Thanks so much!

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Hi LizSky, I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. I’m afraid to say it is abuse. I am constantly walking on eggshells with my partner too. The littlest thing can set him into a rage, can’t get into the electric cupboard, too many leeks in his tea, can’t find hat. It can be anything. It all started when I was pregnant too. For ages I thought it wasn’t fault, I tried to be a good girlfriend. I’d make sure I’d wake up with the biggest smile on my face and be in an upbeat mood for the rest of the day to try to stop him getting wound up. It didn’t work. He thinks it’s okay to call me whatever he likes, swears at me, says things that will deliberately hurt me. He’s very spiteful but at the end of the day I’ve always driven him to it according to him. He started damaging our house but whenever I would try to leave he would be extra nice. He’s accused me of cheating from very early on in the relationship and I am not allowed to talk about men. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right but I just put up with it because we have a child together. It wasn’t until my friend told me it was abuse it validated that I wasn’t just being dramatic and that’s when I found this page. Definitely give the helpline a call, they’re so helpful and don’t pressure you to do anything drastic 🙂 good luck x

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. Putting his hands round your neck is the last step before death. I remember when the police came to see me they ask questions designed to assess your immediate danger and that was one. I remember thinking how can these police officers know what he’s like. It’s because abusers mostly use the same tactics. Has he harmed any pets, does he make you do sexual things you don’t want to etc etc. We brush off these attacks because our brains don’t want to accept the danger and we have become slowly used to this behaviour. Google cognitive dissonance. The cycle of abuse. My ex knew exactly when he had stepped over the line and would begin the honeymoon phase again. Confusing me. Thinking I had my wonderful husband back when in fact the nices ess was just a mask he wore. Ring the helpline and don’t let him know your thinking of leaving. Mine attacked me when he found out x never ever underestimate them x

[LizSKY]

Thanks all for your advice and sharing your experiences it has made me much more aware of everything and I am starting to feel a little less confused and more determined to leave.

I can relate to so much of what you have said about your partners/exs. I think it’s the constant shouting and mood swings that gets me down the most as I just try so hard to keep the peace. We work alternating hours at the moment so he isn’t always around and has a friend round this evening so other than one little incident he is continuing with his nice behaviour and asking why I am being so weird with him lately.

I still can’t get my head around the niceness, it’s hard as all I have thought about today is how guilty I feel.

I want to call the helpline but does anyone have any advice on what they will ask or want me to tell them as I am quite nervous about it?

Thanks everyone for all your kind advice x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

LizSky, I completely get you. Mine is nice alriynf company too. It’s pretty confusing but you’re at the stage now where you know the niceness is an act, not the real him. It took me a while to get to that stage so well done! 🙂 I managed to get through to the helpline for the first time yesterday. I was very nervous, she obviously asked me how she could help, asked me what kind of things he does that are abusive, asked me if he is controlling, asked me if I had kids with him and at the end of the call asked me if it was okay to take my age and ethnicity and my name. She did say I didn’t have to tell them if I didn’t want to. She also gave me an identity number to quote if I need to ring back again. It’s literally just a number nothing telling. She obviously asked me a few other questions about whether I owned my house or rented but I assume that was because I asked advice about housing. It was a lot less scary than I thought. Good luck x

[LizSKY]

I am still unsure about everything but even just opening up on here and reading about all the suggested cycles/behaviours is helping.

Well done to you also rockandrolldreamscomethrough with getting in touch with the helpline. How do you feel about talking with them about your situation? It is good to have an idea about the call as I just don’t know how to actually talk to anyone about it – I just can’t get my words out.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Lizsky,
Just read your posts, I was really worried about calling the helpline and apologised for troubling her etc. They are amazing women and don’t push you. I spent half the time crying and not being able to speak the first time. I was having counselling at the time to help boost my confidence to leave him. It wasn’t the first time abuse was mentioned, but I refused to accept it before. This time I googled it and found this forum. It was a shock. I knew it was a bad marriage, but realising it was abuse and had been from the start knocked me for six. It’s very confusing when they’re constantly lying and swapping from controlling and coercion to nice and telling you they love you and they’re only reacting to your behaviour etc. It was hard to accept that it was abuse and done purposely to control and manipulate me.
The amazing ladies on the helplines are brilliant at reassuring me and rationalising my behaviour and explained that it’s not my fault etc. Phoning the helplines has been the best thing I ever did. I’d never told anyone about the attempted rape or the actual rape years later when we were married. I felt so much better after. It’s life changing. It gave me the strength and courage to tell my GP and my local women’s aid group. They are all amazingly helpful and supportive, but I don’t think I could have done it if I hadn’t spoken to the the helplines a couple of times first. It can be hard to get through some times but well worth it! Good luck 😊

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

LinSky, I do feel a whole lot better about the situation now I’ve spoken to the helpline. At the start i was scared and I did start crying because actually saying it all out loud makes me realise that it is very real. When she was giving me advice it was very hard to hear the word “refuge” and the word “abusers” because it solified that he is abusive and I am in danger. I think we always down play the abuse because we never ever think it’ll happen to us. Once I got passed the initial shock and upset I managed to ask
All the questions and get the advice I’d been wanting to hear for months. It was a huge relief that I’d made another step. They won’t pressure you to speak, they’ll allow you to take your time to get your words out. Good luck 🙂 x

[LizSKY]

Thanks freedomfighter, I really appreciate the information you have shared about the helpline and it’s good news about how it has helped you to talk to your GP.

Yesterday I still had doubts, a couple of days of being nice, being helpful. This morning however things have gone back to normal – because he was up most if the night drinking, because he also has toothache.

I didn’t call his work to say he was going to be off sick, there wasn’t any ibuprofen left. The banging round the swearing and shouting. Today is my first realisation of the how it does seem like a cycle.

Like you freedomfighter, I have started counselling. Something to ‘try’ and ease the feelings of depression and give me the confidence to open up about things. I still have not been able to approach the topic and have only skirted round that he has a bad temper.

Maybe today’s the day, thanks for all the support and advice x

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