Difficult day

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hello beautiful survivors,

I’m struggling today – I’m unable to work due to C-PTSD and (detail removed by moderator) that was caused from the abusive relationship I was in. Since leaving my abusive ex, I’ve lost all ambition, all sense of flow, I have no goals (other than therapy and recovery based aspirations) and when I look into the future I seen nothing – not because I’m suicidal but just because, I’ve lost all ambition.

Before and during the relationship I worked incredibly hard to work in the (detail removed by moderator) industry and as a (detail removed by moderator). I was great at what I did and in (detail removed by moderator) I completed my degree with a first, and left my abusive ex and then, I had a mental breakdown which helped me leave with the help of the lockdown / pandemic.

It’s now 2022 and I’ve lost that whole part of my identity, I’ve tried picking up a (detail removed by moderator) and I cannot use it. All my years of working, studying and I can’t do it anymore. The (detail removed by moderator) it’s all gone and with it, a massive part of who I was. It was my life ambition to be a (detail removed by moderator) – and with smaller projects I was brilliant, but now its just not who I am anymore and deeply lost.

I feel great saddness. I’m just floating around doing yoga, therapy, living back with my parents, learning a lot of about the cycle of abuse and I feel like a big failure. I always expected I’d continue to do a masters, then work, then have children with my ex (thankfully I haven’t) but I’m lost and no life plan. I have no idea when I’ll be ready to go back to work, if I will be, and if I am what career do I want? I’m coming up to (detail removed by moderator) and I am starting to worry about not having children. I haven’t dated anyone since leaving my ex, I haven’t slept with anyone else.

Everything just feels empty, and I feel deeply lost. I want to be living my life. Dating. Having fun. Traveling the world. I’m just not in the position to do that, nor financially or health wise. I feel like an older widow when I am supposedly in my prime years. My ex took (detail removed by moderator), I don’t want him to have anymore time. Even though I’ve left, I don’t feel completely free because of the way my life is right now.

Maybe I’m just venting or maybe I’m looking for advice I’m not sure. I’m not very well at the moment, and feeling quite low today. Any support or any stories of your own situations, how you’ve come out of a rut / how you’ve moved on a little bit more than I have would be appreicated. Anything kind. I’m just not feeling like positive today.

Love to all of you who are battling these waves of emotions at the moment, and learning how to heal and recover from abuse, or even leave. Big love and hugs xxxx

[Ariadne]

Hello, healingbutterflybabe

Welcome to the forum! Feel free to vent all you need to. I haven’t been here long, but I can tell this community is very supportive.

I can relate to so much of what you’ve written. The timescales, the hopes shattered, the void that seems to stretch before you. You are healing, and that takes time. So it’s normal to feel some impatience about it all, but hold/hug yourself when you are feeling that. You’ll be ok, and things have their own time.
Feel free to message me, and also keep posting!

Take care <3

[Thesoundofrain]

Hi Healingbutterfly babe

I’m feeling similar to you with the same health issues and I’ve been trying to seek help online to make sense because I find myself frustrated with who I am now to who I was when I was first involved with my husband I’m a scooped out shell I did have kids my last one at (detail removed by moderator) and she was healthy and so was I physically!! So give yourself some space there , my friend had a healthy baby age (detail removed by moderator) ,. Have you heard of Melanie Tonia Evans she does some interesting talks on these empty feelings like we’ve lost ourselves… I also have issues with my memory and I didn’t realise this was related my main problems are the destruction to my mental health which just had a dominos effect – I’m still in the middle of it – dithering not feeling deserving of a new start … it took me a good (detail removed by moderator) to even get to this point … it feels wasted … but I’m certain after listening to others stories that I /we have the potential to rebuild , slowly .. x

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hey thesoundofrain,

It’s crazy how much they change us, influence us and break us down right? I keep thinking the person / people we were before are very much still apart of us and within time will come out and meet with our new identities. As humans we change everyday, I just hope that I can reconnect to some of my past joys after some more recovery and healing.

I’ve looked at Melanie Tonia Evans, I find it hard to take in a lot of her stuff but I keep meaning to spend some time watching some of her videos. I’ll see if I can track down the talk on emptiness. Thanks for giving me the recommendation! 🙂

We are all worthy of a new start, or rather a bright future – (detail removed by moderator) is not wasted, you still have the rest of your life and leaving at (detail removed by moderator) is better than 40 years. Awareness is absolutely key, keep learning and don’t give up. I believe in you!! You must be amazingly strong to have survived for this long, I hope you recognise that in yourself.

Thank you for sharing your story with me – I can rebuild and so can you. This community proves we are not alone. Sending you lots of strength and love. xx

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hello, Ariadne 🙂

Thanks for replying and the encouragement!! I hate that so many of us feel this way, and I hate the time it takes to recovery. I’ve learnt it’s life-long work, but I’m not sure how much my perfectionism wants to accept that. It’s just so hard when you’ve been an ambitious person most of your life. I am trying to be kind to myself, I’ll give myself some big hugs.

Thank you, sending you a big hug back 🙂 xx

[Bananaboat]

Or maybe you’re being too hard on yourself? Baby steps, you’ve been through a lot. Maybe put dating and sex on the back burner for a bit and focus on doing one thing every day you either love or haven’t tried before. Old loves/hobbies might be triggering feelings of how you weren’t allowed to do those things before or were belittled and told you weren’t good? I don’t know.Just getting up some days seems impossible after living with abuse but you’ve got options now that you didn’t have. If you haven’t already seek out some support/counselling. You’re not a failure, you’re at the start of a new chapter.

[healingbutterflybabe]

Hi Bananaboat,

Dating and sex is definitely on the back burner, as it has been for quite a while. This journey feels lonely sometimes and I feel it’s okay to get frustrated and missing that connection with someone and exploring.

I do try new things frequently and do yoga everyday which I love. When I was working in (detail removed by moderator) etc – I was never told I wasn’t good enough, but I did overwork to use it as a coping mechanism to survive the abuse I was enduring. It was the perfect distraction and I absolutely loved it, but it did become the only thing I did – work b****y hard obsessively and then go home to be abused emotionally and physically. It was all I had in my life – not really any friends, broken connections with my loved ones. This was all the past, but I can acknowledge the trigger of my old love and hobbie it’s just incredibly frustrating. I’m really feeling a void where my creative part of me used to be – it’s so difficult.

Yes, getting up everyday is something I used to not be able to do. I do have options now that I didn’t have before, although the mental and physical damage makes it limiting to do a lot of what I want to do. I’m still grateful I can wear what I want, eat what I want to extent. I live with my mother, which I’m also grateful for because I cannot financially support myself to live independently right now but I am still controlled by her to extent which is tough but it’s still much MUCH better than living with my abusive ex.

I’ve had a lot of EMDR, therapy and counselling, I think I mentioned it in my post… It’s just a difficult day today, and I’m venting and unloading.

I am at the start of a new chapter, thank you for reminding me. 🙂

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, I can empathise with your creative void. I used to (detail removed by moderator). Then I had a breakdown, a complete nervous breakdown and I was very poorly for some years. I still cannot (detail removed by moderator) or even remember how to (detail removed by moderator) but I am going to learn a different instrument as I miss music so much. I wonder if there’s something new you could learn, something creative but different from your past?
❤️

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