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It’s been a hard month.
I thought the divorce was done and dusted, but final arrangements about the house being transferred to me have been going on, and he’s being difficult, demanding money from
some ancient bill in ‘return’ for signing over the house, as ordered by the court. He can never do anything without demanding some huge gesture from someone else in return. To him, life is a series of transactions. Of which he needs to feel he’s winning somehow, or at least dictating, and is top dog.Meanwhile, he pays me virtually no child maintenance and I am still paying off bills he left me with.
My eldest has been in contact with him and seems to be taken in again by his present mask. My youngest has experienced his dad’s true self recently, but even he says he feels ‘guilty’ if he doesn’t see his dad ( his words), so he’s divided.
My mum is being controlling again. Yesterday, she called me a ‘wimp’ for not creating about my ex not having my youngest last weekend, as she thinks my ex is taking it for granted that he can change things without asking. It seems to have gone over her head that I am grateful when he’s not there- because he’s been getting very upset at his dad’s recently. My own mother seems to have no comprehension, yet dishes out the harsh words. What she sees as me being a ‘wimp’ is in fact me being Grey Rock and playing the long game. In any case, what gives her the right to talk to me like that?
Sorry for moaning. I feel attacked from all sides at the moment.
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Hi Serenity
It’s better for you to let it all out…Your human and deserve so much better than being dumped on like that! You know the score more than both of them put together. So keep going and doing things your way.Your family your in control and you know their ways probably better than they know themselves! Sounds like they need to learn the meaning of being a respectful grown up, who try to consider others, instead of bleeting on about themselves …It gets wearing doesn’t it!
I used to think omg just …Give it a rest! Ease up about your (boring self centered) self. Yawn!!
Take care I’m finding…sometimes small steps are better and slowing down ..With a bit of a ‘not bothered’ barrier
Grey Rock your self as well as your words…Distance can make a huge difference at times when there’s nothing left but that! Let them dance up and down, alone, no audience required…R.e.s.p.e.c.t! 🙂hugs C
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Oh G Serenity I’m so dreading this next part of the turmoil…the house…MY house…like you it will be utter drama and cost at my expense. I feel for you and I can clearly see his delight in making you/me/us squirm because of their stupid selfish demands.
Ever the controller. *shudders*
We have to stay strong Serenity!
Cx
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There’s a lot happening in your life at the moment, don’t get too overwhelmed remember to breathe!
I hope house transfer goes smoothly – mine was stalled so many times by the person who’s living in it not by me it drove me crazy. If he’s faffing around for the sake of it (and I bet he is!) can your solicitor go back to the court? Mine’s wanting to in order to get the last payment from my ex but I won’t let her just yet – too many people who he’ll lash out at if provoked, I need to wait a bit… I bet I won’t get it even with court, but if not, he can have it as I know it won’t make him happy nothing will.Just try to remember who are the important people in this situation – you and the boy’s, with you at the top of the list.
Take care. Breathe. Keep positive we will get there…. just remember the state we were both in when we fist came on here?! Such progress xxxx -
Hey Serenity, sending big hugs. Doesn’t it just go on and on?! I’m really hoping that I’m almost at the end of negotiations now and along with the that the unsettling tactics designed to bamboozle me into making decisions in his favour. They really will use every last opportunity to get to us they can find. How pathetic that they can’t let go. Still, each thing sorted is one less route of abuse you can tick off the list, another avenue closed, another big step forward away from him. White rose is right, remember how very far you’ve come.
Your boys will inevitably go round many cycles with him while they work out his nature. They can’t give up on the idea of a father so easily. I know I held onto that sliver of hope with my father until quite recently, not wanting to accept how extremely abusive he was and finally let go completely.
It’s probably the same reason you still see your mum, who doesn’t have the right to judge you in that way. I suspect she knows you’re being stronger than she was. She can see you behaving in a responsible adult way and feels guilty that she wasn’t able to do the same for you.
Hang on in there. Remember you’re doing everything right. It may be a long game but you are very definitely winning xx -
Hey HUn
Sending u massive hug, u really are doing so well and to have got this farallready is an acheivement, your mum just doesnt understand how he works, i think your thinking is correct, the less they see the kdis the better, families to tend have their own opinion and willnever truly understand, have a moan if u need to on here, we all need to releif ourselves of these thoughts going on in our head. Dont worry about your son having contact with his dad,i’m sure he is going through his own emotions and will see his true face again. HOpe the last bit goes smoothly for u.
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Oh Serenity, you are such a source of strength for everyone on here. I understand how grey rock works and I have been accused of being weak with my ex husband and his up and down behaviour with kids. But you have to pick your battles and sometimes disagreeing with the abuser on some aspect of child re can trigger a verbal onslaught. So you have to pick your battles.
My ex is being “pretend guy” at the moment and the kids have fallen under his spell. He is trying to push for overnight stays and they want to go so I am tryin to navigate that one. When he flips back into “actual guy” which he will at some point the overnight stays won’t appeal to the kids- I am trying to be calm and taking it day by day. It’s like being circled by a shark in the sea. Sometimes I can see his fin, sometimes he disappears beneath the water and I don’t know what is coming next. Serenity you are doing so well. Sending lots of love X -
Sounds like a really hard month.
Become a bad record as far as signing over the house and let him k ow if it isn’t done by x then you will be (and find your options before you say anything) doing y.
If he wants a old bill paid then tell him to go to the small claims court.
In other words don’t engage.Your Mum sees him as not holding up to his responsibilities, it is easier for her not to understand and belittle the one closest. Deep breaths, grab a cuppa and come here to off load.
Again don’t engage you won’t change her mind.So Sorry for your youngest, sounds like a very caring and sensitive and wise child. Teach about choices and boundaries.
Teach how we can’t make people nice, that as child is not their job.
And he shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to keep himself safe.I hope that your eldest is okay too.
Hugs
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Thank you.
My ex has phoned my mum ( he’s only meant to discuss children with her, and he doesn’t do this) and was trying to tell money with her. She avoided getting involved in conversation about it. Said it was in the hands of the solicitor.
He’s so cunning: (detail removed by moderator) He was trying to seeet-talk my mum. She said to me, does he think I was born yesterday? He’d run off with the money and not sign- that’s as clear as anything.
These abusers don’t realise how transparent they are!
Apparently, he’s as self-seeking and money-minded as ever. Awful monster. I hope he doesn’t start harassing me via my mum.
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