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Hi! Me again!
Another thing that I have noticed about myself is that when a nice man asks me out, I feel physically sick. I can’t handle it. The only people who I feel connected with in the past have been abusers, men with histories of chaos and violence.
I want to overcome these feelings when someone likes me and they are normal. Sometimes I think if someone shows an interest in me it makes me think there is something wrong with them- and so I have stepped away from chances to have healthy relationships. But I want this to change now. I have been asked out for a coffee my a lovely male friend who seems kind and normal but I am only used to relationships with people who on some level I am trying to fix!
Has anybody gone on to have a healthy relationship after abuse?
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Hi Alice,
When I did the Pattern Changing course, they mentioned this.
They said how we often go for the same types and steer clear of nice men.
The reasons were varied. For example, we were brought up in abusive households so abuse is our ‘normal’ and we are programmed to exist in that dynamic; our self-esteem and self-worth has gone due to earlier abuse or lack
of positive emotional bonds, so we don’t feel we deserve a ‘good’ partner; we don’t have faith in a loving relationship, so we subconsciously get involved with men who
hurt us to fulfil this prophecy.Of course, this doesn’t really explain the scenarios where our exes really, really did seem so caring and perfect at first. Maybe we were subconsciously drawn towards the manipulative and charming streak too, as this was also our normal?
The course facilitators gave us copies of the poem about stepping into a puddle two or three times, then the fourth time stepping around it. As if to say, we get to a point where we have been so badly hurt and violated that we can see the abuse for what it is. I have reached that point now. I am allergic to charming, manipulative men. It took me a few abusivee oerirnces, however, to get to this level of awareness and zero tolerance.
You can’t imagine being with a nice man because you aren’t ready yet. You are still healing. You are still ‘under reconstruction.’ Enjoy healing and rediscovering the real you that these abusers tried to stifle and strangulate.
Get to the point where you celebrate you and are able to be fiercely protective ( not defensive ) of yourself. Then you might be ready for a companion! 💛 -
Thank you Serenity. You have a lot of important knowledge on this subject. I have been like this with ‘nice’ men my whole life and I think I was instantly able to subconsciously identify emotionally unavailable men. My childhood did involve abandonment trauma, fear, and uncertainty so that was normal for me and I was a very unsettled child and I guess I bought those feelings with me into adulthood. I am great on my own and feel normal and can function in abuse, but the puddle analogy you used sounds familiar. I recoil at charm now as I see it as an early control tactic- my views have been changed by the last 2 experiences. I think I will work through the feelings of panic that I get at the prospect of real intimacy. That is my real issue.
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when I first chose my ex the reason I was attracted to him was because he had something about him which gave me a challenge, I knew he had boundaries and what I would and would not be able to do. I liked this, I felt that I needed a strong man in a way to keep me in my place. I know, its a very unhelpful way of thinking. I had had “nice”, kind, available and faithful men before who worshipped me, I wasn’t that keen. Something about me liked the challenge. Once I was with him long term it soon wore off, most of the time he were a chauvinistic arrogant pig who treated me like dirt, the relationship was like something from the 50s, not modern life with women having equality. But probably my fault was here somewhere as I liked what he was in the beginning. It was very attractive in fact.
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HA,
I think I found my ex attractive at first because he seemed brave, confident, funny and adventurous.
Maybe because I felt lacking in confidence, I admired his confidence.
I didn’t realise at all at the time that his meant cocky, entitled, morally skewed and unappreciative! See, he feigned being romantic and protective. Then sold me down the river.
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i’m sorry to hear that Serenity. I have to take responsibility as I chose him & was very attracted to his couldn’t give a s**t attitude, i liked it! But i do believe i’ve learnt a lesson as his attributes were no good in a long term relationship. I could list so many flaws, the type of women I think he will end up with will be happy with nothing, emotionally abused to oblivion, liked by his friends and family as long as she kept her mouth shut and overlooked his crookedness and disregard for the law. I have been on the dating circuit for many years now and to meet a man who is attractive to you, non abusive, single and keen is not easy at all.
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Thank you HA. I have looked into EMDR treatment for PTSD, I wonder if I help my brainy I create some more positive pathways this will help me break this trauma bond. I have booked a appointment with a specialist in this. To be honest I am prepared to do whatever it takes to get myself out of this mindset- if I was told to hop around on one foot for a week to get rid of feelings of pining for him I would. I don’t wAnt to have any feelings for him. I know time will help. I feel nothing for my ex husband at all- he is just highly annoying but when he left I was devastated. He asks me back every now and then and I look at him like he is weird. We sepAratd 4 years ago and I feel nothing for him whatsoever. Each contact from my recent ex sets me back but I can’t block his number as I want to monitor the nature of the calls so I can call the police if I think he is going to try and get near to me.
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Alice is there no way around blocking his calls, you know how manipulative they are, and their manipulation can come in so many forms………….silence, accusations, flirting, charm. They will weedle, lie, coerce and do anything to get a response. I have had yours & Escaped’ mindset for about 3 months solid, each and every day, I yearned, pined, obsessed, over thought, wrote texts & letters pouring my heart out (never sent them, did at first), felt deeply deeply sad and missed him so crazily. Even today I think about him constantly but these thoughts are now so much less, with happier, normal different thoughts like my lovely garden or the birds coming into my head it their place. I feel i am now 85% through all of the trauma bonding. My recent being ignored after I sent him my nice message has brought me to this point. I am now considering acts of revenge but I will see and this is another road i’m now taking. Alice I felt identical to you & Escaped Not Free and I’m almost through, it can be done. XXXXX
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PS, as the time goes on with NC and the end of the relationship, the What Ifs become less important. What if he were cheating when he were with me, what if he met someone else and left me for her, what if it were he who ended it with me, all of these things, hurtful though they are, in the big scheme of things they are not that important. What is important is how life is now and the prospects for moving forward happily. I have no doubt of my wellbeing now and into the future, with him it would have been so different, awful. When we split I considered getting back together and what they would entail. I thought about it for no more than 5 minutes and had my decision, he was such hard work. The negatives far far outweighed the positives.
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