Dilemma about contact

This topic contains 23 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of diymum@1 [email protected] 4 days, 23 hours ago.

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  • #68082
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Hi all. I’ve been so busy getting my rented house sorted, sweating non stop emptying boxed while I had a chance… I look around me now and it is starting to feel like a home, it is a nice feeling. Parallel to this, however, contact arrangements with my still husband are deteriorating. He is still breaking down with the children, telling them things like he can’t sleep or eat because I don’t want him back. Then, when I briefly see him for hand over, he will whisper to me that he can’t live like this and what I’ve been telling people about him because they’re treating him like… swearing etc. There I am standing in the meantime with an artificial social smile with people around me oblivious of what he’s saying. Apparently, he’s also been helping out in church ‘to get closer to God’ and ‘win me over’. These are just some examples… There’s also the 30 messages, photos and videos per day on average, to make me feel guilty about breaking the family etc. I don’t reply to any of these. I had been mentally preparing myself for a lot of this. The barrier I face now is wether to stop contact all together with the children will be more damaging to them than this situation…Over the years I’ve worked hard to polish off his abusive image to the children, so they had a more positive view of their dad. Now I’m facing them seeing the real him, and I know it’s going to hurt them so much. My eldest daughter has already picked on things herself. They look forward to seeing him on contact. I feel like it’s a bit of a dilemma at the moment.

  • #68101
    Profile photo of  Anonymous

    Maybe it would be best to formally ie through a solicitor to use a contact centre to stop him being able to emotionally guilt trip you. Also maybe witha clause asking him not to burden the children with his woes. My ex did all of the above and my daughter became emotionally damaged. Xx 💕 This is the hard bit unfortunately when they use the kids to get at you xx

  • #68107
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there, any parent worth the title would go to hell and back to see their children. Could you get supervised access organised, that way he can’t off load his feelings to the children. You’ll soon find out if he really wants to see them or just use them in his game, if he accepts the proposal or not. Their ego usually gets in the way rather than what’s good for their child😔
    If you’re going to go down this road, id probably do it through professional channels, rather than it coming from you, then he can’t attack you verbally or otherwise.
    Good luck x
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68127
    Profile photo of Apricotpoppy Apricotpoppy 
    Participant

    Hi Thelightinme, how stressful, supervised access sounds like good advice as he is being inappropriate offloading on the children. Thats awful getting all those messages. Have you thought about discussing with police again ? They explained to me that if you reply that you don’t want further contact by phone and he sends more it then becomes harassment. Take care and keep strong xx

  • #68135
    Profile photo of fridges fridges 
    Participant

    Too much of his contact, not healthy for you and for your kids. By telling them how much his suffering, he puts a pressure on them and on you. 30 messages a day – he is trying to pursue you, but it is very important to give in and create boundaries. Kind of protective walls so he can not get to you.
    Now you decide what is acceptable for you, do not forget this, he can not mingle to your life too much, specially when it makes you upset like this.
    In my journey – absolutely no contact was vital to help me to heal. I’m trying still do all the right step, but the most important is – abuse need to stop and no pressure from that person, so you can have time, space, facility to process things. Every day I repeat like a mantra – under no circumstances I let this person near me. I know how much poison, lies, deception, treats, emotional and physical abuse. I just have to do this in order to keep safe.
    You have the right to feel well in life.

  • #68156
    Profile photo of  Anonymous

    Absolutely agree, I had no choice in the end but to go for no contact my youngest too. It’s a journey he took me on though to get to that point. He was going to force her into contact by a contact order even though he new she was having panic attacks each time contact was scheduled. It was horrific they’ll stop at nothing to get what serves them. Emotional abuse can be underestimated but it’s just as dangerous as physical abuse. My daughter hit rock bottom she was only (detail removed by moderator) xx Go fir supervised if need be see how it goes, he comes last now I the equation it’s the kids emotional health first xx I hope sharing my experience shines a wee bit of light on this subject. All my support to you a nd your family, good luck and be strong 💪❤DIY

  • #68175
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Thank you so much iwmb, ap, fr and diy.
    In really value your advise and sharing of own experiences.
    It is awful indeed, the way abusers use the children as weapons against us.
    My eldest is close to him but, at the same time, recieves more of the emotional abuse since I decided to back off.
    It is still a huge worry for me escalating things and contact stopping with children, even if temporarily… children will be upset for sure. Would this be more damaging to them emotionally than all the rest…
    Xxxxxx

  • #68176
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    That’s a hard one tbh. I think it can depend on the ages of the children, how much damage had been done to each of them, is he more abusive with one than the other. My oh favoured my daughter more, treated my son who was younger worse. Could still give my daughter the silent treatment but my son got more of the verbal and psychological abuse.
    They will be upset at contact stopping but in the long run are you willing to gamble their future mental health ans how they behave around and wirth people. I wish id left, my son and my daughter might not be as problematic as they are. Sometimes just coping with everyday tasks is too much fir them. My son more than my daughter has no self esteem, lacks people skills and I miss them very much.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68188
    Profile photo of  Anonymous

    Hello again l hope you are all OK IWMB is spot on. Stopping contact won’t emotionally damage them kids are very resilient. Emotional abuse can be long lasting. When i sat down with a therapist and my young daughter amd she ticked the box on assessment wjete dhe daid she had thoughts of harming herself i new thrn i hsd to stop it xx let me know if i can help at all xx

  • #68189
    Profile photo of  Anonymous

    Sorry wrote that on bumpy bus! X

  • #68277
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Thank you iwmb and anonymous. Your answers are making me think a lot about the children’s mental health in the long term… xx

  • #68295
    Profile photo of diymum@1 [email protected] 
    Participant

    HI there, This part is the hardest unfortunately, because its the kids hes using to get at you. Do everything you can to put safety measures in place. Read safe not sorry by women’s aid. also freedoms flowers all very helpful. If there anything we can do to help just say the word 🙂 take care DIY X*X

  • #68321
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Thank you [email protected] The situation is becoming unbearable… (number removed by moderator) incoming calls from him today and messages. Next contact with children is tomorrow. He’s asked to come  for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, with the intention to cook meals and see the children open their presents. I replied no but he can access children over Christmas holidays whenever he wants, as long as it is not in my house, always out. My house is my refuge. He’s trying everything to ‘win me over’ in his own words… xx

  • #68323
    Profile photo of diymum@1 [email protected] 
    Participant

    Hi there, you definitely need to see a solicitor as soon as you can. Put your foot down now if you can, make it clear it cant be just on his terms,this is power on his part nothing else. This is the tricky part because you need to be safe,he wont like you stepping up. You need to call womens aid maybe even let the police know give them the heads up. Once you get this bit set it gets easier from here I promise and we’re all behind you. Have any other ladies got any ideas re doing this safest way possible xx

  • #68324
    Profile photo of diymum@1 [email protected] 
    Participant

    I did all of this in a very caotic fashion I’m sure there were better ways to approach the initial stopping contact. Xx

  • #68327
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi lightinme, aye, i totally agree with you, you’re home is a no-go area. He’ll not win you over, he’s hurt you beyond repair 😭 the volume of calls is total harassment, think its time to involve the police. We’re always here, I so wish we could do for each other what we are unable to do for ourselves, stand up to the bas…ds😡😡
    Do you worry he won’t return them, are the children unsettled, playing up after his visits. Do they say or do things out of character. Journal their behaviour, what they say, it will help in the future, just in case. We don’t know how they’re going to behave, best to expect the worst.
    You’ve done so well sweetheart, I can’t even begin to know how you’re feeling just now, my children are all grown up. All I know is I have no relationship with mine because of how he treated them. They hate him, I don’t see my grandson either as my son doesn’t want him around him. He’s not allowed in our house. He’s never stayed the night with me, I’ve never took him swimming, baked cakes with him. Nothing. 😭😭
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68329
    Profile photo of diymum@1 [email protected] 
    Participant

    Police DV would be a good place to start, IWMB is right it’s total harassment.Keep all the messages and get the police to log them. 101 give advice but they like to see you in person. Try not to be scared to act. It’s for the best get lots of support there’s loads out there once you start delving xx💕💕

  • #68344
    Profile photo of Lisa Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hello thelightinme,

    I just wanted to show you some support. You have done brilliantly and come so far. Well done for leaving and setting up a new home for you and your children. I am sorry that your husband is continuing to try and control you and upset you through child contact. Sadly we know that this is a very typical tactic for the perpetrator. The level of calls and messages he is sending you I feel could constitute harassment. You could consider sending him a message stressing that his contact is not welcome and perhaps consider getting a pay as you go phone which is simply for child contact plus a child contact book so that all handover notes are documented in there.

    You could consider speaking to the police and showing them how many times he is contacting you as they can issue him with a warning too. You could also think about if you are happy with him having the contact with the children. His behaviour sounds very unpredictable and unsettling. Perhaps you might be tempted to say that you want the children to have a bit of time to adapt to all the changes and you would like a formal arrangement before he has any further contact with them so that you all know where you stand. As it stands, without a child contact arrangement he could decide that he is not going to return the children simply to hurt you and confuse the children further.

    Have look at the Rights of Women website – http://www.row.org.uk and also speak to the helpline and get support from your local Women’s Aid group. The helpline can also help do a risk assessment and safety plan with you as we know that he will not like the fact you are gaining in strength away from his control. Quietly gather as much evidence of his behaviour as you can and speak to the Police about his persistent calls and texts and ask them to put a flag on your address. These steps will hopefully help you to feel more secure and let you know what your options are.

    You have done nothing wrong by leaving, you have done the right thing. Sadly it can be easy to feel guilty for ‘breaking up the family’ but that guilt should be his alone, if he hadn’t behaved how he behaved then you wouldn’t have needed to leave. Try to keep that in mind and be very proud of how far you have come.

    We are all here for you.

    Best wishes,

    Lisa
    Forum Moderator

  • #68404
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    Thank you iwmwb, diy, Lisa.
    I’ve taken your comments on board and contacted police, Women’s Aid and updated my solicitor.
    I’ll be applying for an injunction.
    My house has a marker.
    I’m writing separate e mails for each topic I need to discuss, copying my solicitor and being very firm about my conditions about contact with children and ways of communicating with him from now on. He is still threatening me, using children in a very cruel way to achieve his goals and being a bully in general. He’s going to try everything to stop me achieving peace and freedom.
    But I’ll not surrender.
    Your voices give me such strength and wisdom xxxxxxx

    Something Inside so Strong: (Link removed by Moderator)

  • #68405
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I LOVE 💜 THIS SONG, IT’S MY INDY GIRL SONG TOO 💜💜💕💕

  • #68407
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I’m singing away at the top of my voice and he’s slagging my voice and do i care not one f*****g bit💜💜

  • #68408
    Profile photo of thelightinme thelightinme 
    Participant

    ☺️ ❤️ xx

  • #68425
    Profile photo of diymum@1 [email protected] 
    Participant

    This has made Mr smile real big lol 😊I’m so glad you’ve taken this stance. Honedyy we don’t have to take this s**t, not from anyone and certainly not from someone is really supposed to want the best for you and the kids. That’s a real man who does that xx 💕 💕 hope all good and we’re here to support you ☺x*x DIY💪✌

  • #68426
    Profile photo of diymum@1 [email protected] 
    Participant

    Made me sorry

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