21st July 2021 at 11:27 am #129064gettingtiredParticipant
I’m in a bit of a dilemma as to what to do.
There’s another opportunity coming up soon where he’ll be away for a few nights but I still just don’t feel like I can make that break and move out. I know people have said sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith, that if it was a friend you’d tell them to leave etc but none of this works for me. I try to be positive and imagine all of the good that will be come from leaving but it doesn’t help.
The problem is the time that he’ll be gone away I’ve had two different family members inviting me to go to events to see them. One family member I haven’t seen for a long time (partly because of the pandemic but also because I avoid them a bit as they’ve been abusive to me in the past so I’m cautious sometimes). I need to see them at some point though.
My dilemma is that if I agree to plans that weekend with family then that removes any possibility of me leaving. However, if I don’t see the family then I very much doubt I’ll be able to leave which means I’ll have just wasted that time doing nothing but stressing around the house punishing myself for not leaving when I had the chance. Then I’ll have missed going to the family events as well.
My therapist said I’m a people pleaser and that I have to put myself first but these family members don’t know what’s going on for me, so they wouldn’t understand anyway if I turned down their invitation. I’d have to lie as to why I can’t make it.
I just don’t know what to do.
My therapist also said that I’ll leave when I realise I’m worth more but I don’t know how to come to that conclusion. Especially when there’s a time limit on another commitment with him happening soon. It’s not a mortgage or marriage and I’d still be able to leave him after this commitment but I guess it would be easier to go before it happens. I can’t force myself to leave if I’m not ready though. I absolutely don’t want to end up going back either, once I leave I want it to be final.
21st July 2021 at 3:38 pm #129073Wants To HelpParticipant
I’ve not been active on this site for a long time but I have read it from time to time and I have read some of your posts. Please do not put a time limit on yourself for getting out of this relationship, you will get out of it when you are good and ready. At this time you are getting advice, gathering thought and contemplating options.
Abusive relationships are problematic to us. So perhaps a ‘problem solving plan’ could help with our decision making process. So I thought I’d share a simple ABDCE Problem Solving Plan with you.
Ask ourselves what the problem is and acknowledge it
Think/write down/discuss with someone all of the options you can think of to resolve the problem, no matter how crazy or unlikely they may seem
Choose an option that seems most likely to work for you
D DO IT
Once you’ve done it, see how it works out. If it fails, so what? You have tried. You can cross this off your list at B and go back to B and start again.
I’ve applied this logic to lots of aspects of my life and found it very useful. I hope this may help you too and has not offended in any way.
21st July 2021 at 4:53 pm #129081EggshellsParticipant
Wants To Help is absolutely right. You can’t really put a time limit on leaving or staying.
Try not to see the upcoming event as a deadline for you to make a decision.
Honestly, the coming and going of the event won’t make it any harder for you to leave. Preparing for the event could even work in your favour in terms of preparing to leave – literally a chance to organise!
Perhaps start thinking about how you can use this event to make your get out plan easier. xx
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