Disappointment again & again

[Daisydo]

We have not been together for nearly a year, my choice, not his, he wants us to be a happy family unit & does not understand why I don’t. He won’t leave the home though and we are still living in same house with children.
He says I have treated him worst than any human deserves over this year because I have pushed him away and not wanted to be with him. But he has been emotionally abusive, has anger issues like punching and throwing things, does not care how he acts up in front of the children, though that’s my fault because I make him have outbursts because I frustrate him. He has not been so bad these last (removed by moderator) months because he knows I am not prepared to put up with it but it’s also other things. (detail removed by moderator). He said he wouldn’t stay out all night again as it’s unfair, but just over Christmas he has had a couple of all nighters, then stays in bed majority of next day and I have had to look after our children whilst getting ready for visitors. He hasn’t been getting out of bed much before midday. I know they R only small things but they all mount up to a bigger picture.
Anyway, he started the conversation of what we will do in New year and I told him (removed by moderator). He hit the roof, he genuinely thinks he has put such a big effort this yr how come I still want to part. (removed by moderator). He then apologised for getting angry (again), it’s like living with 2 people.
I just need the strength to see this through now I have told him what I want, though doubts do creep in all the time because I feel awful splitting up the family home and worry how this will effect our children. He has also threatened suicide before when I managed to get him to move out shortly and I let him back. Got to not let that happen again. Guess this is more a rant than asking a question but I need support from others who get it xx I hate being made to feel the bad guy, he is playing the victim so well
DD xx

[lover of no contact]

So in his mindset he stays out all night because he knows it’ll push your buttons and it’s an easy option for him he can have fun and have a goid excuse to stay in bed and he can avoid the child care and housework and the preparations for entertaining. Meanwhile he can arise at midday rested and his energy conserved. Also he gets lots of fuel seeing you harried, upset and exhausted. It’s a win/win situation for him. He’ll look great when the visitors arrive and be witty and entertaining and you’ll barely have time to brush your hair. Well that’s how it was for me. Then he just has to pretend to be angry and mad to keep you in your place. Any topic will do , New Years Eve plans will be as goid a reason as any. Then he sees your bewilderment and anxiety and he gets his high. And he sees the kids trying to placate him or pussyfooting around him or the kids getting mad due to his anger and the kids take it out on you. He’s having a ball. Everyone in the house upset, at loggerheads. Then all he has to do is throw in a threat of suicide maybe act nice for a while and everyone in the house is confused and thrown off kilter. He’s feeling mighty knowing he can cause this mayhem with his behaviour. He just has to tame it down a bit for a few months as he doesn’t want to lose his fuel supply(you and the children). He’s broken you in, easier to keep you as a supply than him having to go to the trouble to get a new supply.

He’s having a great time with all this.

[LozzyX]

Whilst my husband plays up in other ways it sounds so familiar

Try and stay strong, call friends, family or the helpline any time you feel yourself unsure or anxious to help keep you determined and on track

I left my husband last year but after a few months of guilt tripping, emotional manipulation and being worn down I took him back… After a few weeks straight back into old patterns and I’ve regretted that decision so much and now having to build myself back up to leave…. But at least this time I really honestly won’t be taking him back

After a night of absolute worry about usual stuff with him I came across a website I found so useful…. OutoftheFOG… Its for anyone dealing with a person with any type of personality disorder… I read up on the grey rock technique which is a way of detaching from an abuser safely…. Only now do I finally understannd why we should not engage with them at all.

If you can get advice from WA on next steps, if he’s anything like my husband he won’t be the one to leave and they will make the process as difficult as possible, and possibly dangerous too…please take care and have an emergency exit plan ready just in case x

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