Discard & rejection……

[Healthyarchive]

…. I feel completely heartbroken by what has happened with my ex. Desperatly heartbroken. during the (removed by moderator) there has been a big event, I remembered the date. I was meant to go and be a big part of this big event. We split up X months ago now and have no contact on either side during that time, he has not contacted me once. I thought with this event I might have heard something from him. I am so devastated what has happened to me. I have hardly had any long relationships, he is my first, the closest man I have ever had. I gave him everything that I had, I gave him my heart, soul, life, full access to my home, my secrets, i gave him everything. He has discarded me out of his life and has not looked back. I feel devastated and don’t know how I will ever move forward from this. I feel so lonely and empty, i sit in my home and know that he has been here and we have been here together, he has slept next to me in my bed, a lot. I just cannot get over the silence and rejection, that he has cut me out of his life. I know that it is confusing as it was me who finished with him. I do not understand if I finished with him why I feel so unhappy. I would have liked for he & I to have stayed in touch, maybe be friends. I tried for this to happen. I didn’t want to be his partner any more but I did not want him 100% out of my life. I would love to see, touch and hold him again. I know that I could contact him, but I know in my heart this is wrong. I am just reacting to the silence, discard and heartbreak. I ended it as he was horrible and a useless partner. His rejection has devastated me. I don’t think I can ever look at another man again after this.

[KIP.]

Please don’t be hard on yourself. Everything you have written shows you are a normal loving caring person, capable of sharing intimate secrets and moments. It is him that is totally dysfunctional. He’s not capable of being a ‘friend’. It’s not in his self serving interests to do this. Ask yourself deep down, do you really want this man back in your life. What would he really bring or add to your life. What would you want him to say to you? I promise you it’s a self confidence thing. Give yourself time. Rebuild your confidence and tell yourself that he is nothing. A cowardly con man who would suck you dry. Do not take his discard personally. It means nothing to him. You could be anybody. In time you will see that he did you a big favour. You were strong enough to discard him first so you know it’s the right thing to do.
Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you will never get ❤️

[Healthyarchive]

Thanks for your kind reply KIP.

I think I have to go back to square one with what I did when we first split up, follow the stages of the Cycle of Loss. I want him in the years that come to have moments when he looks back & sees what I gave him and what he & I had. He has a s**t life, totally s**t, dysfunctional, crooked & shallow. I showed him lovely things that he never had before and we could have had more of that. He could have got to old age and looked at himself and said ‘yes, i like where i am at’. We had so many great opportunities as a couple.

I cannot forget that all of the above was the good side. I remember having counselling when I split up and I told the counselor sometimes I feel scared of him, that he is controlling and that I didn’t trust him. I have to remember those things.

[SaharaD]

Discard and rejection…………I don’t read the narratives written on N*********s. Words are powerful. Actions are powerful. You have to be careful what you let into your mind and around your body. That’s why I don’t watch the news.

these two words have the connotation of worthlessness…so if you read over and over and over again that YOU were discarded and rejected by the abuser. You begin to feel and think that you are worthless.

Of course you are heartbroken. I’m heart broken. I probably still love him and I’ve been out over (detail removed by Moderator) years! A difficult skill is separating our emotions from our thoughts. Our emotions are valid but our thoughts are not always valid and our actions must always be rational and reasonable.

I learnt this all in therapy. Life today is always lead at such a fast pace. We need to slow down our mind, our souls or bodies. I’m still learning.

I recommend noticing and noting your emotions but listening to your rational mind currently.

Recovery is not one straight line to the top. It has peaks and valleys. You are in a valley but you won’t always be there as you continue your journey. Step by step. Try to think of coping mechanisms for when you are in the valleys that won’t interfere with your journey to the top.

In my valleys, I cry, I tidy and clean, I go to work, I maintain a routine, I eat nice food, I take myself out for a meal. I take myself out on a little trip or adventure to discover something new. I colour, I binge watch tv, I read favourite magazines and books in the tub. I go can get a pedicure or give myself a pedicure. I try out a new hairstyle, I give myself a facial. etc…

Normal people don’t suddenly stop caring about people. It takes time for that bond to break. Particularly if it was very strong to begin with. Particularly if it was a trauma bond.

Of course you are unhappy, everyone is unhappy at the breakdown/end of a relationship (whether is was a good or bad one). that’s a normal human emotional reaction.

I know you are going to Freedom. I think you should say these things to the facilitators. They can probably put it in better perspective than I can ever.

Finally, maybe stop reading about you being discarded and rejected by him. You are worth something! It is him who did not see or appreciate your worth! Also it’s better to put more energy into understanding yourself and building yourself up than trying to understand a nasty person and all their negative energy. *shivers* Lol!

I recommend reading books on emotions and thoughts and how to love, (re)build and value yourself. I’m not saying that you don’t but everyone and everything could do with a little maintenance top up to keep things running a bit smoother.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear SaharaD, thank you so much for taking the time and effort to reply. This forum and the ability to post and receive advise is completely invaluable to me. Not one day since my split have I spent less than 6 hours on this forum, each and every day. You and other ladies speak such wise words and i trust these words and listen to them. What has happened to me with this man has been the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me involving another person, he got right into the depths of my soul and I trusted and believed him. I think I was a game or I dont know what I was. Today I posted to another lady on here as her situation reminds me of my own. We are both in the doldrums and struggling to feel happy although we are no longer in the relationship. It struck me how much of my days are abuse fixated. I spend at least 8 hours every day on here posting and reading, if i’m not doing that I’m reading abuse books. It made me wonder about the possiblity of trying to let go of the forum a bit and steer my thoughts & activities in a more positive direction. There seems to be something of comfort in hanging onto the past. I also realize that although this is so horrible, this may be a good thing for me in the big scheme of things. Helping me to recognize and deal with horrible men efficiently and work on my self esteem. Thank you again for your reply I really do appreciate it. XXXX I knew that I could not get to old age and be with a man who gas lighted and scared me, he had to go & i finished it. I am proud of doing that for myself.

[Serenity]

Hi HA,

I think Sahara has a point.

Reading about devaluation, etc helps us to understand why we were rejected as we were. And I do think it’s important to teach some understanding.

But I suppose labelling ourselves as ‘devalued’, ‘rejected’ and ‘discarded’ over and over again makes us feel dehumanised.

On the Pattern Changing course, it said howler need to fill that space where our abuser was or is with something else.

It helps me to read inspiring quotes on change, ambition, success, peace. It helps me to think in terms of myself being too intelligent to be blinded by him forever, too morally strong to be moulded by him completely, too adventurous to be limited by his sexist control ( I went from loving to cook, to hating it), too independent to have my personality be completely erased by him…

Turn it around, and think in terms of what you’ve learned about yourself throughout this. Celebrate what you’ve learned.

For example, I felt that one thing I needed to learn or improve upon was courage, and I think I have succeeded in this!

Sahara, your distractions are lovely: a cosy routine, colouring, a pedicure…

In my downs, I tend to do something for my appearance, I have aromatherapy baths, I read confirming books and try to focus on my senses- taste, feel, sight- to pull me out of that dark world of lingering effects of mental abuse.

Distress tolerance techniques teach this. To eat fizzy sherbert, to suck ice, to engage our senses, in order to help us feel more alive and to find ourselves again. We can feel like we have lost our personalities and our strength in and post-abuse.
I hope you are doing ok yourself, Sahara, as you haven’t mentioned yourself lately!

Of course, HA, you will have down days. I think the Fredom course, though comforting and helpful, might also trigger you slightly at times, as you are drawing the p**s out of the wound, as it were.,

X

[Healthyarchive]

Thanks for your kind response Serenity, i’m a bit wiped out at the moment so don’t have much to say, sorry X*X (I hope that you are ok). X*X

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

I know u post on here a lot , your advice is always good, dont be hard on yourself, healing takes times, u seem to be doing amazing, its ok to have a bad day, these abusers bhaviour has thrown us all of guard, u just dotn iamgine such cruelty

[Healthyarchive]

Thank you for your reply Confused. With the help of all of the abuse books that I read, this forum and the freedom programme I will find the answer that I am looking for. I am reading some books that really strike a chord with me & when I find something i like, I underline it, I am gathering all of the information that I need to turn this horrible thing that has happened to me around. I am a closed private person and my ex forced me to come out of my shell, he got to the depths of my private life, it is so hard. XXXXX

[Confused123]

you will get there sweetie, i read book on abuse the first (detail removed by moderator) months, saome books i couldnt ebven read as found too painful but in time i got through them all, for me i think counselling was best eye opener and understanding of trauma i experienced, have u tried counselling

[Healthyarchive]

I had counselling when I first split from him, it was with relate, i didn’t rate it that much as it wasn’t specific for abuse, this forum has helped me so much more. I will see how I get along. i think that I have been a bit manic lately as there was a big anniversary which upset me. I’m hoping in the next week or two I will settled down again. Thank you for your kindness. XXXXX

[Confused123]

HI

I would recommend a counsellor that specializes in d v , they really make u understand what happened and see things from another presepective

[Healthyarchive]

Thanks Confused, I will see how I get on with the Freedom Programme and if I make any progress. There was a story on BBC News this morning which I liked. It was about health and wellbeing and it said to ask what makes you well, rather than what you don’t like, want to get rid of etc. So I made a list of what makes me feel well and will try to focus on this rather than negative horrible things. X*X

[Author]

Posts