Discarding his children

[itwillbeokay]

Hello,

Do n*********s simply discard their children when you finally leave them? My husband hasn’t seen our young children for (Detail removed by Moderator) now. He’s not seen the younger one for any meaningful length of time since I left with them earlier in the year. A variety of reasons he gave for this. I have tried to facilitate visits every other weekend but he has become less and less interested, or rather, more and more unpredictable and unsafe in his behaviour/lifestyle choices. There was an incident a few weekends ago where I decided he could no longer see them without supervision (contact centre), something my counsellor, outreach worker and family had said should’ve happened from the beginning but I was trying to avoid it and give him a chance to still be a normal father albeit a separated one. He doesn’t even know I deemed it unsafe because he hasn’t really bothered to ask to see them since these incidences of concerning messages, and now he’s disappeared off the radar completely at the moment. Was asking me if he should just leave, it’s “doing his head in” sticking around, job offers abroad etc etc. He’s always absolutely hated having to “ask me/text me to see his children”. He’s hated me being minimal contact and I don’t tend to respond to threatening abusive rhetoric messages which frustrates him even more. He says this is all part of my “master plan” and my “plan is complete”, as in the one where I used him for children and I was always going to take them away to be brought up by “you and your lot” (my family, who he slowly but surely came to hate even though they’ve never done anything).

I don’t understand it atall. Does he even love them? He will make out I took them and ensured he didn’t see them but that simply isn’t the truth. I was always prepared for him to try to have a relationship with both of them. His behaviour has dictated otherwise. I’m so confused about it all. And am needing to work hard not to think and wonder about him constantly and worry for his welfare mentally and physically.

It’s very hard as it’s tough when he’s in contact and tough when he isn’t for totally different reasons and emotions.

I’ve been having horrible dreams lately all night long. Last nights was he was dead, his family were there all blaming me and I was just this broken broken person slumped on the floor in pieces but it was all still my fault and no one even cared that I had loved him so much and this just isn’t what I wanted atall.

🙁

xx

[freedomtochoose]

thank goodness someone (i.e. you) HAD a plan, and was (and is) the grown up here.
I identify with a lot of what you have written. Trying to get myself outdoors today,
trudging through the usual amount of housework and organising before I do so, so can’t write much today as I know it helps my mental health to get out. But big virtual hug for wading through all this, (if you want one, ok if you don’t)
all best
ftc
x

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you for the hug. And back at you on the wading through the housework before being able to leave the house but knowing you will feel better once you do, I’m with you on that one! 😉

Xx

[maddog]

My ex is strangely absent too. Over the summer he barely saw our children. They see a bit more of him now because it is how the school term dictates. I’m not sure what will happen when he moves. His now adult children barely have any contact at all. At least I understand why. I remember years ago shouting at him that he didn’t ‘do’ love. I don’t think he actually has capacity for reality.

[Anonymous]

This is what happened to me when I went no contact through me and handover at the contact centre. He didn’t like the stigma attached to using this facility it meant admitting he was abusive. They take a step back sometimes wash their hands of their kids because they’re loosing control and they just can’t deal with that. Xx

[KIP.]

I once read an interesting thing about n**********c people. In normal relationships people have a vertical line with the people most important at the top. Then working your way down the line in order. So it might be partner, children, parents, friend and so on down the line. N**********c people have a horizontal line like a washing line and everybody is on the line. What they simply do is pick off people from that line as and when they need something from them. This helped me to rationalise his behaviour a little. Until he needs something from them, they will hang on the line alongside everyone else in his life.

[White Rose]

Mine discarded his children, mine with him and his older kids too from other relationship.
He pulled them off the line and chucked them on the scrap heap for their mum’s to rescue. I don’t think he needs them anymore, they certainly don’t need him and he doesn’t deserve them, they’re too good for him. Eventually his line will be empty (Detail removed by Moderator).

[KIP.]

That’s a good way of looking at it. Eventually his line will be empty. Sad lonely dysfunctional people who leave a load of destruction in their wake for us to clean up. Good riddance to bad rubbish. I wish my ex had discarded us years ago. Would have saved the damage to our mental health x

[itwillbeokay]

I feel sad and strange and confused how to feel about it all today. I don’t understand this person I loved so much for so long and hoped would stay with and bring up our children together and now he simply doesn’t feature in our lives atall at the moment. I feel like I’m happy and positive on the outside but there’s always this bit of sadneee inside threatening to engulf me and the positivity in my life. I don’t even know what I want from him anymore but it really bothers me that he will insist forever that this was all my doing and I planned it all along.

Xx

[freedomtochoose]

I think I get this feeling itwillbeokay. Having kept my child with a residence order all those years ago, and having fought so hard, it is very strange that my entire birth family are now estranged and his. From us both. It is very strange, and I often think to myself, well, what more could I have done, why? It can’t possibly be all my fault…

And more than anything, what would have happened if I had NOT done what I did? Did they all really want my child to lose her mum? and more than that, everyday as a person, is there nothing, nothing that I can do right in all of their eyes.

Strange that the best support and the best moments of joy come from complete strangers. Maybe not complete strangers, such as the women on here. We share a path together.

All best
ftc
x

[KIP.]

Abusers will say anything to justify their behaviour. Please don’t believe a word he says, they are pathological liars x

[itwillbeokay]

Thank you so much everyone.

Still feeling low and confused and just a bit off again today. Like I don’t know how to feel but I’m definitely not content. And my positive feelings and rebuilding of life feels threatened by how I feel about this. If I let myself I know my feelings are wondering where he is, how he is, what on Earth is he doing, has he discarded them forever, did he ever love me atall, does he love them, how did this happen. How did the love of my life and the father of my children become this total absent stranger in our lives.

x

[Author]

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