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Following on from feedback, we are starting regular discussion topics with the forum moderator. Today we will be exploring Consent and Boundaries. I will be online for the next couple of hours to respond to any replies about this topic. If you drop by later then please do still leave a reply, I will come back to you!
Sexual abuse is often a component of domestic abuse and can be difficult to even name when this is something that is happening. If you consent to something because you are afraid or you have been pressured into it, it is not consent. Please do use this space if you have any questions around consent and do share your feelings around this if you feel safe and comfortable to do so.
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I consented to something I didn’t want to do because I was too scared to say no @Lisa . This situation happened a while ago and it was to do with intimacy. I really didn’t want to be in that situation but I went along with it because I was too scared too say no . This issue resulted in my getting a water infection and there was no remorse what so ever. This is something I discussed with womens aid a while back they also said he took advantage of the situation.
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Hi Stargazing1,
Thank you for your reply and sharing this. It is awful that he put you through that.
I want you to know you are not responsible for this- consent is not just about saying no- if you are feeling you have to go along with it, scared of his reaction – that is not consent. If its not an enthusiastic yes then its a no. Its normal for survivors to freeze as well- its a very frightening situation to be in.
Abusive men have no respect for women and often feel entitled to sex and women’s bodies. Your body is your body and nobody has a right over it.
Lisa
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I did speak to him about the situation @Lisa but he just shrugged it off as if it wasn’t anything to make a fuss about.
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I struggle with this very much.
I can’t implement boundaries. I feel
Pressured even when there’s apparently none. I know saying no means he will feel hurt and I will pay for it. He will make the rest of the family pay for it.He does not except no and keeps trying until I give in. This is in general or sexually.
Not recently but in the early days he would get angry if I didn’t do certain things or in a certain way. This is something I realise has stuck with me and maybe why I have no boundaries that I stick to. His attempts for intimacy make me anxious. I didn’t realise why, I thought it was just I was anxious for no reason. But now I know it’s my gut feeling about our situation and relationship. It’s that I feel pressured and his view of me is unhealthy.
I find it’s part of the cycle and sometimes you give in for affection because you have been hurting due to their behaviour towards you.
I have only just realised, but it is obvious, he uses sex because he can manipulate me due to how intimacy makes you feel towards someone.
He recently admitted one aspect where there was absolutely no consent for years was wrong. But he hadn’t said sorry just acknowledged with a laugh and a grin that he was doing something illegal.
I’m better at trying to avoid my boundaries being broken but not very successful.
I have been told where I can get help, counselling and my DA support worker will help with this.
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Hi Chocolatebunnie,
Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. It can be really hard to set boundaries with someone that is choosing to be abusive. You have described someone who has no regard for your comfort, undermines your feelings, chips away at you. that is exhausting to deal with and you are not responsible for your boundaries being broken in that way.
It all comes down to control- as you mentioned its not just about sex- its anytime you need your voice to be heard, need to make your own decisions for yourself, trying to communicate your needs, having the freedom to make your own choices.
It can also be really confusing and intimacy may feel like the only way you get any affection or positive affirmation from the abuser- it may feel easier- may feel easier for you to “manage” but you are not responsible for his behaviour and what he chooses to do.
I’m glad you are reaching out for support and the forum is always here for you too
Lisa
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Thank you @Lisa . I knew I was wrong to go along with it but I was too worried to say no due to him shouting at me in the past over me not wanting to be intimate with him .
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Hi Stargazing1,
none of this is your fault and you are not wrong for not saying no in that moment- its frightening and you are worried about things getting worse. as mentioned consent is not just about saying no- someone who is not abusive would want their partner to feel comfortable.
Be kind to yourself
Lisa
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Thank you so much @Lisa , I appreciate all of your help 😊. Thank you .
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I hope its okay to say . I remember one time I told him that I had a (detail removed by moderator) and that we would both have to treat the symptoms with cream etc . The cream should be used for about (detail removed by moderator) there abouts . When this discussion was occurring he said he wouldn’t need to use the cream more than 1 day . It’s not necessary for me to use it he said . I’ve no symptoms. You treat your symptoms he said . (detail removed by moderator) Why do they do this ?
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Another huge issue for me too.
When kids were small id have to have sex if they needed shoes or whatever he would then leave money on my bedside cabinet he says he thought it was fun I remember crying. If kids had broken something so he didnt shout at them id have sex.
Now he says he misses those days.
When im on a period im expected to help him out he gets stroppy nasty if i say no.
He likes me drunk he says im looser once i got so drunk i actually believe i was spiked anyway i dont remember a thing he says i did all sorts but i have no memory at all.
I say no he begs he geys on top he goes on and on and on sometimes joking about raping me if i just want a hug he grabs me in places he shouldnt. He has showed friends pictures of me topless on his phone he is ibsessed with sex.and he has carried on even when ive said no.
But i never pushed him off or been firm or told him how i felt. Ive been treated pants as a child and a teen i find sex a struggle but ive never told him ive never in the decades we have been married trusted him enough to tell him.
So surely im as much to blame? If i am not honest and open how is he supposed to know? Arent all men obsessed with sex?-
Hi nbumblebee,
Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. There is no excuse for his behaviour- domestic abuse is often rooted in misogyny- abusive men feel entitled to treat women in this way. People that want healthy relationships and who respect their partners- want all sexual encounters to be consensual. Domestic abuse is about power and control.
You are not to blame for any of this- it sounds like you were really let down by the adults in your life and made to feel like you or your feelings didn’t matter. what is happening right now must be really triggering for you.
Its common for abusers to be manipulative around this- make you do things in “exchange”- whether that is to provide things for you, the children or them making promises around their behaviour.
It is not okay for him to pressure you, to grab you , to share explicit photos of you. You are not there to serve him. consent is not just about saying no- if its not an enthusiastic yes then its a no.
You do matter.
Lisa
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@Chocolatebunnie and @nbumblebee , I’m terribly sorry to hear you have both been in these kind of situations. My heart goes out to both of you for what has occurred and what still goes on . I will never know why people act this way . We give in so we don’t get into any difficulties. I’m so glad this forum exists our little space to say it how it is . Please take care of yourselves and please be kind to yourselves too . As you already know none of this is your fault. Sending hugs.
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Thank you for your kind words @Stargazing1
It’s hard to reply this subject is not easy for any of us.
Sending you strength and hugs too
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Your not too blame @nbumblebee . Not in the slightest .
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Experiencing the relationship as we do, conditioned, scared, manipulated and so on.
This led me to feel I should have been very clear, said no! But you can’t, you can’t speak or you freeze or your confused, end result is then you blame yourself or think that it’s blurred lines and try to forget about it. Make excuses.
Possibly the most confusing part and maybe manipulative part of abuse being as it’s such a intimate thing.
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Thank you for sharing on the discussion topic, Chocolatebunnie. You are right this is really confusing and a really difficult thing to talk about or even process when this is happening- you try and put it to the back of your mind. Its completely normal to freeze- it can be part of protecting yourself.
Do keep posting when you can!
Lisa
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Your welcome @Chocolatebunnie .
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@lisa @Stargazing1 Thank you.
Its that question again isnt it.
Do I deserve this? Have I brought it all on myself? Im in no way perfect maybe this is just my life. I get so close to believeing to even leaving then no it all goes and im back lost and wondering if I am to blame. Its a never ending circle. Still we have to keep going keep waking each day keep trying to live some sort of life what other choice do we have but to paint a smile on our faces and carry on.
Thank goodness for this place and you ladies here x*x -
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Yes @nbumblebee , this is such a good place to be in touch with people who are experiencing what we are . I’m always questioning myself too . I’ve done nothing but hate myself ever since I’ve been in touch with my local womens aid . At present things are calm and that’s when I question myself. It’s so so hard it really is . Like you say keep plodding on the best we can our time will come.
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Your welcome too @nbumblebee . Take care 🙂
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Consent and boundaries these were absent in my long marriage and something I didn’t understand as a woman over fifty until I reached out and acknowledged that my ex husband had no concern for my feelings only that his needs were met he was obsessed with sex decades of anger if I said no ..nasty words slamming doors silent treatment I felt so obliged and pressured to meet those needs he often acknowledged his behaviour and apoligised mostly so he could have make up sex ..still process events and how he made me feel rape crisis have been very supportive and reading what other ladies are going through on here we have a right to a life that does not make us feel afraid anxious and miserable ..
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I had never even believed i deserved to talk to someone like rape crisis always thought and still do that we are married its not rape. But then i was abused as a child stalked and groomed and maybe even raped as a older teen i struggle with admitting that word, and still dont feel i deserve the help. Abuse is such a hard word and so hard to get your head around if i dont scream dont push away dont fight how is it rape? Its so hard but then i also think if someone told me a similar story id tell them that it was wrong that they deserved help. I have a huge issue with labels with words maybe thats it?
Mind blowing all this isnt it x -
Hi Jediwarrior,
Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. domestic abuse is about power and control and abusers often don’t respect or regard their partners boundaries. That must have been very difficult to go through and you have a right to live free from that anxiety. I’m glad you are reaching out for that support.
Best Wishes
Lisa
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Thank you Lisa like many women on here I’m still finding it hard to accept and come to terms with what I lived with for so long it’s been so hard getting out a long journey..but I would like to say to other ladies on here gather as much support as you can family friends organisations my family were sad that it took me so long to reach out to them …
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For decades I’ve experienced him not respecting my boundaries, either sexually or generally. Vile words or thunderous moods or silent treatment on the rare occasions I dare to refuse or disagree with him.
In later years as his health has declined, the coercion is more mental than physical. In some ways that to me feels more difficult to deal with.-
Bless you darkness I understand this. Some days you feel like the physical leaves scares marks the sexual you know deep down thats not right but the verbal its only words isnt it people say ahh he didnt mean it just ignore it walk away dont listen but it gets right in there right to your core and they hit hard and those words stick like mud and you start to believe them yourself and there nobody nobody out there to tell who will understand as theres no visable marks. Its tough but I guess we gotta somehow be tougher.
Much love darknessallaround x -
Hi Darknessallaround,
Thank you for sharing with us in this discussion. That lack of respect for consent and boundaries sexually does so often permeate all areas of the relationship. It mirrors abusers’ sense of entitlement and complete lack of consideration. A lot of women do speak about how the mental abuse is harder to cope with than the physical, so you’re far from alone in feeling this way.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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