Discussion topic: Effects of Domestic Abuse on Children

[Lisa]

Following on from feedback, we are starting regular discussion topics with the forum moderator. Today we will be exploring Effects of Domestic Abuse on Children. I will be online for the next couple of hours to respond to any replies about this topic. If you drop by later then please do still leave a reply, I will come back to you!

Children witness and react to domestic abuse in different ways. This can be directly, indirectly or in the ways that abusers use child contact. Only the abuser is responsible for the abuse. Do let us know about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing.

[Bananaboat]

Can you share tips on dealing with the parent who blows hot & cold. The ones that see the child for a few weeks (especially if there’s a new supply on the scene or a family event to impress at) but then happily cancels a lot of the other weeks or sees the child for bare minimum time leaving the child feeling rejected? I know they figure it out longterm but any tips for the here & now?

[Lisa]

Hi Bananaboat,

Thank you for sharing this with us. That must be really difficult to navigate and upsetting to see the impact of this behaviour.

It is really important for children to have a consistent routine and that includes contact with the non resident parent. It is horrible when they are used to help with abusers “image” but neglected at other times. Safety is the most important thing so I wouldn’t suggest confronting them about their behaviour if this would make you unsafe. However, you have a right to set boundaries around contact and that it has to be consistent.

If a child is feeling rejected its important to try and give them reassurance around this and that they haven’t done anything wrong and its okay to acknowledge their disappointment. The Mix are a support service that can connect children/young people to support services around any problems they may be having including domestic abuse. They can be contacted on 0808 808 4994 or via their live chat service.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Bananaboat

It’s so rough on them isn’t it, and rough on you too watching what it does to them and knowing how best to keep picking them up, but they know you are there for them. Hold tight to your boundaries so it’s clear to them who is doing what, and I find at times of disruption routine helps them. Trying to make other regular events, friends over, out with activities and so on, then it somehow, although big, does give a better balance to their overall week by week.

I struggle with how children say ‘no’ to abusers, how they say ‘no’ to court, how they tell strangers about how awful their father is to them, or even how to acknowledge what they have come to know as normal as even being awful. I try to take the line of showing them reasonable behaviours, but when they are scared, and I know how hard it can be say something as simple as ‘no’, because of consequences.

ts

[Bananaboat]

Good advice TS thank you ❤️

Yes saying no is a big one too, see that in my eldest. I’ve found it makes their relationships with friends different too, so unfair on them

[Eggshells]

I have 2 children, both now young adults They both have symptoms of General Anxiety Disorder. My youngest in particular can struggle with crippling anxiety and panic attacks when he is away from home. It started after I left their father. They rarely see him now but he does phone them quite regularly. My youngest still seems quite frightened of him and they both find telephone conversations with him quite difficult and stressful. Neither feel that they can cut contact with him. Any advice please?

[Lisa]

Hello Eggshells,

It must be so difficult to witness the impact of your children’s contact with your ex, and the anxiety they now experience after the separation.

If a contact order is in place it is important to keep adhering to this so that there’s no risk of breaching it. It could be helpful to speak to your children about how the contact with him makes them feel, as well as options around making this feel easier, less frightening or more boundaried/structured for them.

Are your children receiving any support with their anxiety and the impact of their experiences? Your local domestic abuse service may offer specialist services for children and young people, The Mix may also be a good resource for them. If there is no court order in place, these services may also be able to support your children in making decisions around the contact that feel right or safest for them and their mental health.

To discuss your legal rights in regards to the contact he currently has, you could speak with Coram.

Best wishes,
Lisa

[Happybelle]

It’s hard to know what the impact is – there must be one of course.
I’m not a parent but my abuser’s children would visit often. I’m sure they will have seen us arguing or me upset and doing things in a different room. In the last few weeks they will have beeen to a number of different places for visiting as he moves between homes with relatives. From their side perhaps they think they have lost their stability as one parent is recently with a new partner and the other is moving from home to home. I no longer see them so I hope they’re ok.

[Lisa]

Hello Happybelle,

Thank you for sharing this. It must be so difficult that you no longer see them if you had a close relationship in the past. I imagine it’s upsetting to think of what they may have witnessed but we can hold hope that they are doing okay as you say, and that they will be offered support in the future if needed.

Best wishes,
Lisa

[ILoveCats]

I have a toddler not yet (detail removed by Moderator), I am still with my husband and I am worried about the impact our relationship may have already had on her. He is really lovely with her at times though and you can see she adores him, it makes me feel sad to think of separating her from him even though I know he’ll probably get worse as she gets older and more independent.
Remembering my childhood and the fear I had of my Dad reminds me why I want to leave but I’m so scared that I’ll just cause her more stress as she’s already been through multiple moves.
I am trying to organise my first meeting with an advisor in my area so I’m sure they will help reassure me about this but while I’m waiting it feels horrible.

[Lisa]

Hi ILoveCats,

Thank you for sharing with us. It can feel overwhelming and exhausting trying to process everything and to work out a plan of what to do. It is understandable the impact you feel from remembering your childhood and potentially seeing your child go through the same. You are doing the right thing by reaching out for support and hopefully the wait for the advisor won’t be too much longer. You might want to explore support available from Gingerbread as they provide a web chat, helpline, information and advice regarding parenting.

Keep posting to us when you can, it can really help to know you are not alone in going through this.

Best wishes,

Lisa

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