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Following on from feedback, we are starting regular discussion topics with the forum moderator. Today we will be exploring Financial and Economic Abuse. I will be online for the next couple of hours to respond to any replies about this topic. If you drop by later then please do still leave a reply, I will come back to you!
Financial abuse is often part of coercive control- the perpetrator may use money to control their partner’s freedom and restrict access to resources. Some examples of financial abuse can include putting debts in your name or stopping you from going to work. Do let us know about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing.
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Hi, I found that everything was in my name as I had the better credit and mostly everything we owned was on credit. There were always promises to help in paying but I found I had to ask for money on a monthly basis to do food shops. He always paid when we went out, if he didn’t have money then I would give him my credit card so he didn’t feel embarrassed with me going to the bar. I am in a good job but he was the top earner, could never explain where his money went. I am now paying off all the debt, and everything we had went to the dump when I left. Although I still feel free even though it is going to take a few years to pay the debt off. My financial independence was taken in such a gradual way that I didn’t even realise it was happening, I even bought his clothes, paid for holidays on credit.
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Hi Allornothing,
Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. You mentioned how your financial independence was taken in such a gradual way- it can start off with small things,paying for the odd thing and then you find yourself in a situation where you are paying off his debts.
It sounds like him paying when you went out was more about his image even when using your credit card. having to ask for help with monthly food shops but he was also dishonest about where his money went. struggling with finances can cause a lot of stress and anxiety- on top of dealing with the abuse.
I am glad you are safe now and will continue to heal from what you went through.
Best Wishes
Lisa
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Similar to Allornothing, mine would get me to arrange to pay, promise to pay me back but never did. He’d ‘forget’ his wallet if we went out unless we were in a pub – then he’d pay. He’d vanish every time we got to the till in the supermarket and then I’m too embarrassed and end up just paying. I started hiding money and he’d find it, take it and never say anything or deny it. Classic gaslighting of why was I looking or blaming him.
The problem I’ve found is that after leaving all debt was in my name and despite sharing my story with credit card companies/banks there’s little support unless you’re in dire financial distress. It’s a case of tough, it’s in your name & you can afford to pay so we expect you to pay. That leaves you angry and triggered every month, forking out thousands, living on less & suffering ongoing stress whilst he walks away Scott free. Yes the big ticket items like loans, mortgages etc happen but I’d suggest more education around the more subtle, building over time financial abuse would be helpful to teach.
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Hi Bananaboat,
Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. you are right- there does need to be more recognition around financial abuse and the different forms this can take- as you mentioned this often builds up over time and it does feel unfair the burden falls to you to pay. I can understand that must feel really frustrating and unfair.
Financial abuse is part of coercive control and its disappointing you have had that response when explaining what you have been through. It sounds like he felt entitled to your money and that must have chipped away at you.
Surviving Economic Abuse (SEA) is an organisation sharing knowledge, resources and information on best practice and research and raise awareness around domestic abuse. Their website includes lots of resources and guides for women experiencing financial abuse.
Best Wishes
Lisa
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I’m a bit late to the topic! But it’s good to talk about economic abuse.
I own a property with my abuser and it’s a really complicated mess with a joint mortgage and my abuser’s CCJs attached to it somehow.
I’ve had some legal advice but haven’t been able to get legal aid. The first solicitor I spoke to was not experienced in domestic abuse and told me that I was just as liable for my abuser’s CCJs and I would end up with no money from the property. They advised me to contact the person directly to negotiate a sale!
But of course my abuser just wants to be cruel to me and I’ve been mentally unwell again since then from just reading words on a screen from this abusive individual.-
Hi Swanlake,
Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. That must be causing you a lot of stress and anxiety and for a professional to suggest you can negotiate with your abuser is frustrating.
Sharing a property or finances with an abuser is made more complicated- often with added layers of control. You are expected to speak to someone who has caused you trauma and as you mentioned conversations with them are incredibly triggering- its a lot for you to navigate.
The forum is always here for you
Best Wishes
Lisa
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Hi
IDK what to think about this, but the legalities around someone else putting bills in your name, without your knowledge or agreement. I won’t say specifically what, but I was the one made liable for paying for something I’d never heard of, and I couldn’t cancel it, despite never having agreed to it.
I’m sure this must be something that others do, but I never fail to feel shocked at this level of forcing me to do things to make his way happen. I suppose I never really knew who he is. This seems like a criminal act to me, maybe an overreaction, but I feel sure others have had this done to them, and I’m still shocked at how companies will do this without any recourse legally surely, to get payment under the terms of the contract, but it still scary trying to shake them and their threatening letters off even if they wouldn’t necessarily have a legel leg to stand on.
It might be helpful to have some idea where to go with this kind of problem.
Thanks
ts
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Hi TS,
Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. its not an overreaction at all- financial abuse is about controlling behaviour and it is frightening. As you mentioned recieving threatening letters, reminders about debt are anxiety inducing and leaves you feeling on edge- on top of dealing with the abuse.
It is concerning that you were made liable for something you didn’t agree to or had knowledge of. You may find it helpful to contact the Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse. This is a service specialising in the financial side of domestic abuse. Anyone who has experienced domestic abuse can call for one-off advice regarding debts, benefits and budgeting from the Financial Support Line, or self-refer for ongoing casework on 0808 196 8845 (Mon-Fri 9am- 5pm).
Best Wishes
Lisa
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I feel like I’m being used like an ATM. He hasn’t held a steady job down for a long time. He has debts which I’m paying for him. He demands money from me or he acts out (he grabbed the TV and was going to sell it unless I gave him money in front of our child) if he doesn’t get his way. He lies and gaslights me. I feel trapped. Either I carry on as now and eventually sink into debt myself or I let him go bankrupt which will effect me because we are financially linked through a mortgage. He knows I’ve seen a solicitor and lied to say he had seen one as well. He said he could accuse me of coercive control as I am controlling the money I give him.
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Hi bubblesforme,
Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. It sounds like you are having to bear a lot of responsbility as well as him blackmailing you or intimidating you into giving him money. you setting your boundaries in this way is not coercive control- he is trying to twist the situation for his benefit. It doesn’t sound like he is considering the impact of his actions on you or others.
I can understand this must feel overwhelming and you are feeling stuck. Do reach out to all of the support that is avaliable to you.
Best Wishes
Lisa
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I’m not sure I can get help. I reached out to my local DA but I’m not sure what actual help they can offer in my circumstance. I feel I’m burdening friends and family members but confiding in them. In fact one got angry because they perceived that I wasn’t taking enough action to sort my situation out. I keep telling myself I need to carry out the actions the solicitor suggested but I put it off because I’ll have to deal with the consequences from my abuser. It will give him full reign to act out and make the situation worse. Somedays I feel strong enough to go through with it. Other days like today I feel I will never get out. He undermines my self confidence and gaslights me and he knows which behaviours push my buttons.
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I’ve heard of the financial support line and tried to ring a few times.
I think that I’ll have to return to trying them again after Legal Aid was refused for my case. So I’ll be dealing with my abuser without the help of a solicitor.
The Financial Support Line is run by the charity Surviving Economic Abuse. I hope that they’ll be able to help us, they certainly sound like the right people as places like law centres and citizens advice have not been able to help me. -
I wonder if putting things in someone else’s name or in joint names without their knowledge could be fraud and so a crime.
My abuser managed to change the terms of the mortgage that has my name on it too without my knowledge or consent. So I guess that they could change things again in the future. I contacted the bank and it appears to be within their policies to do what they did so legal for my abuser to do what they did.
Can you believe that until 1975 in Britain a woman needed permission from a man to have a bank account! The law seems to enable abusers still.-
Hi Swanlake
I have had much of this kind of thing happening, and it still is. My understanding as regards bank accounts is that either signatory can makes changes without requiring the signature, or authorisation, of both, and I wonder if this would be the case on a mortgage also. I am under serious threat, as a result, financially, and it seems nowhere can help.
A lot of pathways offered to survivors do seem to lead to the inevitable Legal Aid issues, and Legal Aid, if approved, seem to also claim back any financial awards made to the survivor, so you still end up in a loss situation on top of all the stress, and trauma facing it all again.
I also saw that they don’t allow users to reject site cookies, only to accept their use by using their web page it’s assumed.
I don’t want to derail the discussion thread here though, and hope that you manage to find ways of challenging his behaviour legally, it’s not an easy path is it.
warmest wishes
ts
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Me again!
I also know the feeling of being considered an ATM.
When I inherited some money after a family bereavement, I made the mistake of telling my abuser and my inheritance eventually disappeared buying things for them, mortgage deposit, home improvements, business expenses, and the smaller items like socialising etc. Though of course at the time we think that we are spending money to benefit everyone but it’s really only for the abuser’s benefit.
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