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Following on from feedback, we are starting regular discussion topics with the forum moderator. Today we will be exploring identifying abuse. I will be online for the next couple of hours to respond to any replies about identifying abuse. If you drop by later then please do still leave a reply, I will come back to you!
Sometimes it is difficult to identify abusive behaviour or decide whether what you are experiencing is abuse. Every relationship is unique but there are some common factors in relationships that mean they are unhealthy and even abusive.
Do let us know about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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This is a great topic and a good idea sometimes we dont want to bother others or repeat what we have already said.
For me ghis is such a hard issue even though ive been here for so long now i still have more days when i doubt than when i believe.
Its the good days that get me.
Since ive said i want to leave since ive told him how bad he makes me feels he has almost stopped. He seems to be really trying. Things are strained its weird im still on edge 24/7 but he seems to be trying and now i feel its me who is pushing away.
How do we know its them not us?
How do i know im not just attention seeking or seeing things just because?
How do you understand whats normal marriage arguments and whats abusive?
What is normal? I have no idea I really dont.-
Hi there nbumblebee,
Thank you for your reply! Great to hear you think the discussion topics will be helpful. We are planning to continue to have regular sessions and we are always open to feedback on topics to discuss.
Abuse can be very confusing as abusive behaviour is often very subtle. Abusive people are often not abusive all the time- there can be good times- but it is the abusive person who is choosing when there are good times and choosing when to behave in an abusive way. All relationships are unique but there are common patterns or behaviours which show abusive behaviour. Abuse is about control and power so he may now be feeling a loss of control. If you feel like something isn’t right then it usually isn’t- trust your instinct and believe you are deserving of being in a respectful, supportive and loving relationship.
Disagreements in a relationship can be healthy with respect to each other’s differing opinions and freedom to express these. A sign of abusive behaviour can be if you feel you are changing your behaviour because of how they are treating you. You say you feel on edge due to his behaviour and perhaps you have changed your behaviour in other ways to prevent an escalation of his behaviour at times.
Normal can vary from person to person and relationship to relationship. If you feel happy, safe, respected, supported and loved then these are signs of a healthy relationship.
Thank you for sharing with us nbumblebee.
Lisa
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I keep questioning myself over and over . I’m feeling very upset with myself because I keep feeling it’s me what’s wrong. I’ve never believed in myself anyway. One thing I do know is that the latest situation I found myself in I wanted to get out of that car because I didn’t want to be shouted at like that anymore. He will blame others for the reasons he acts like he does but its not the other people that are shouting its him . Even writing down what I’m writing I still believe it just me over reacting.
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I hate myself so why should it bother me when I’m verbally abused . It’s probably what I deserve anyway.
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Hi Stargazing1,
Thank you for sharing with us. You are not stupid or making a mountain out of a mole hill. It is very valid when you say that other people are not shouting, only him. Abusive people will very often blame others or turn things around to blame something else for the reason they are behaving in an abusive way. However they are the only person who can take responsibility for their behaviour. He is shifting the blame which shows he isn’t acknowledging or taking responsibility, and is unlikely to do so. He is choosing to behave in an abusive way rather than non-abusively.
You do not deserve to be verbally abused or abused in any way. Abuse can cause us to doubt ourselves but you haven’t done anything to cause the abuse.
Keep posting when you can Stargazing1, it can really help to reach out to others who understand about what you are going through and how you are feeling. You are not alone in this.
Lisa
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Thank you @Lisa I’m very grateful for your time it’s really appreciated.
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Just wanted to say @stargazing1 – that I used exactly the same phrase to my counsellor last week – that I felt I was ‘making a mountain out of a mole hill’.
When my ex-partner continues to deny and they are now no longer in the house so their behaviour is no longer as obvious – it does seem sometimes that maybe I’ve just imagined it all. It’s very hard to feel validated – despite the numerous accounts and messages and texts I keep as evidence to myself. -
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I appreciate your understanding @tryingtosleep , I’m glad its come about that you wasn’t making a mountain out of a mole hill. Deep down I probably know but I will still question myself. Thank you so much 💓.
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Hi i am not sure of what you are saying Lisa.delete if not allowed.
I have been living in my bedroom for ex amount of time, he usually, texts to say, he will not be here, so i can come downstairs, (detail removed by Moderator) i watched him on the ring, doorbell, he locked the front door, and just disappeared for (detail removed by Moderator) hrs, i could of come downstairs, but it felt like, he locked me in the house, i text him , saying that was heartless,all he said was, i can come downstairs, and he will go upstairs, i said, no i am keeping away, from the bully,as last time, he kept coming into the kitchen and belittling me, i felt worthless and suicidal, its been going of for (detail removed by Moderator) decades.-
Hi sweet4,
Thank you for posting to the discussion topic about identifying abuse. You sound very aware of his abusive behaviour and possible tactics. Identifying the impact of his behaviour on you helps you to protect yourself and build boundaries. The impact of abuse on our wellbeing can be so damaging and exhausting. I hope posting on the forum has been helpful in connecting with others who understand.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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I guess everyone will have been here more often than not it is the nature of abuse itself that makes us feel this way. It can take along time to realise something is wrong.
I still struggle and its taken me so very long to get where I am, I didnt even know it was abuse, not really.
I know for sure that my marriage is abusive now, but so easily my husband makes me feel like its all me, its hormones, or he projects back to me, whatever or however it still works, Im just getting better at realising it and identify it.
You do have to know what abuse is, I honestly just thought it was physcial as in directly hurting you or the threat, now I understand how much more complex it is very much easier to see it. I thought it was just a bad relationship, two toxic people perhaps, I believed him when he said it was me.
The forum has been literally a life saver for me and so grateful for the support and knowledge I have received from here, its helped me work out so many things x
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Thank you for sharing on the discussion topic, Chocolatebunnie. Absolutely, abuse can be very complex and difficult to see for what it is when you are experiencing it. It is great to hear how the forum has helped you in working out what is happening in your relationship and for receiving support from other survivors.
Do keep posting when you can!
Lisa
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@Lisa ,ever since I’ve been in contact with the local womens aid I’ve felt really guilty as if I’ve done something wrong . I keep thinking I’m making a fuss about nothing. I know it’s not my imagination I know I’ve been verbally and emotionally abused by him and coercion has occurred too but yet I’m the one who feels guilty for getting in touch with someone. Is this normal? Why am I feeling guilty? There has been no shouting for about a week now but I’m always aware there could be . I know how he has made me feel belittling me etc . Please could you help me understand why I’m feeling so bad about getting in touch with the local womens aid . Many thanks 😊.
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Hi Stargazing1,
Thank you for sharing this. Part of domestic abuse is making you feel you are to blame- abusive people never take responsbilty for their behaivour. This may make you doubt yourself, question what is happening.
You are still having to process a lot and reaching out to domestic abuse services may make you feel you are being disloyal in some way but there is no excuse for abusive behaviour and you deserve to feel safe and to have that support. As you mentioned- there is a pattern of abuse and there may be some periods of time where it feels “okay”-you want to believe that you have got it wrong, you don’t want to believe that its abuse and thats understandable.
However there is always that knowledge at the back of your mind that abuse will start, that it will happen again. He knows exactly what he is doing.
Its important that you talk to people who understand, who are supportive- when you feel you are wavering or carrying feelings of guilt. none of this is your fault and the forum is always here for you
Lisa
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Thank you so much @Lisa . I very grateful for your feedback. Thank you .
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