Discussion topic: Post-Separation Abuse

[Lisa]

Following on from feedback, we are starting regular discussion topics with the forum moderator. Today we will be exploring post-separation abuse. I will be online for the next couple of hours to respond to any replies about this topic. If you drop by later then please do still leave a reply, I will come back to you!

Post separation abuse is recognised as part of coercive control- abusive behaviour often does not end when the relationship ends, and post-separation abuse can be exhausting and stressful to deal with. Do let us know about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing.

[sweet4]

Not sure if this is under the same heading.
The other day, i realized he has been in my bedroom, for most of you that know, i have been living in my bedroom for many months.
So when i left, i put my camera on, to catch him out, yes i was right.
As soon as i entered the house, he started shouting saying, hes never done it before, shouting, what do i have to hide, why do i keep locking my bedroom door, i must have something to hide, what is it, shouting.
He does not lock his bedroom door, so why should i.
i asked for the key back, he denies having one, saying he broke in with a crowbar, so what does he do, breaks into my bedroom, with me still in it, to show me how he did it.

[Lisa]

Hi Sweet4,

Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. Its awful he is invading your space in this way. That must have been incredibly frightening for you to deal with.

Abuse is about power and control- abusive men do not like to lose control and will often escalate during separation- he knows full well what he is doing and that it is making you feel unsafe. You have a right to feel safe and I hope you are able to access ongoing support with this- it sounds like you have been enduring a lot for a long time.

The forum is always here for you too

Lisa

[Allornothing]

Mine has been turning up at my address, now has bail conditions (broken several times) as he continuously uses social media to make contact or posting on my social media to tell the world how much he loves me – wants the outside world to see how lovely he is but they don’t see the nasty and vile messages that are sent. Once he has been given another telling off by the police, I will revert to blocking him at every opportunity and forget about building up the evidence as it is stressful, draining and I need to move on and get control of my life again! The law won’t make him change, I just need to learn to try and keep one step ahead and hope that he gets bored.

[Lisa]

Hi Allornothing,

Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. That sounds really exhausting to deal with- this is stalking behaviour and often the contact on social media can be seen by others as romantic gestures or declarations of love, but it is all underpinned by his need for control. He wants to set a narrative and can switch from that to those abusive messages you mentioned.

you deserve to have control over your own life- you know what you have been going through and are not obligated to him in any way.

Lisa

[CoopCloud]

Does it ever stop?

My kids dad, it’s just ongoing… When we lived together, it got to the point I believed I was mentally ill because he told me daily that I was.. but then I went to therapy etc. Since I left though, he hasn’t stopped. If anything, he’s worse

(detail removed by moderator)
he’s lied to benefits and claimed he has the kids more than me; got told by social worker he’s entitled to the benefits even though he earns so much more
• Messages saying he’s spoken to the school, social worker, no one will believe me and to not expect help anymore – constant negative, belittle, berating messages. Some are implied threats, police said it’s not enough to help me.
• Told me not to call police/use a solicitor, “will you call the national guard, next?”
• Kept my belongings (detail removed by moderator)
• Got me beaten up by his friends but it’s “not his fault” according to social workers.. never got beaten up before I left him; before it was just harassment/threats.
• Uses the kids; tells the kids lies to tell me and then I get in trouble with the school etc because I believed the kids
• Kids told me concerning things, reported to social worker and they took months to investigate so he groomed the kids and now the kids call me a liar
(detail removed by moderator)
• Messages me fabricated events
• Accuses me of abusing him, then tells me I’m not co-parenting if I don’t do what he wants; tells me I’m the problem and how he’s been trying so hard etc… but then makes up stories all the time and I’m terrified of him

Idk… Most of my stuff is him messing with me mentally/emotionally/financially… I just want him to go away. He uses the kids, too. Sends them back with messages to “tell mummy” and then the kids will later say “daddy says you’re lying” etc… and I asked for help and the social worker says I’m the problem and need to co-parent with him and do as he says… And no one believes me. I know his mum’s helping (detail removed by moderator) Idk. My life is a mess and in ruins and our poor kids suffer and I can’t help them because no one believes me.

(detail removed by moderator) school now think I’m just placing blame… But they don’t understand he lies to the kids, too, to manipulate. And I always believe our children; someone has to…

(detail removed by moderator)

He’s got everyone convinced I’m crazy and it’s not even been a year but it’s worse then when we lived together. The only difference now is there’s no SA… idk

[Lisa]

Hi CoopCloud,

Thank you for your reply and for sharing this with us. A lot of abusive men will use child contact in this way and will try and twist the situation to fit their narrative. Its frustrating when professionals do not recognise his behaviour and it can feel like they are colluding with the abuse- by not believing you- by justifiying his actions in some way.

Abusive men are very manipulative and he knows this will be causing you a lot of stress and anxiety- its all about power and control. Sadly a lot of survivors have to deal with their abusers with child contact arrangements and its incredibly triggering, witnessing the impact on the children too.

You know what you have been through and what you have experienced. I know its upsetting when people do not give you the response you deserve but its good you have that space for yourself in therapy.

The forum is also here for you too

Lisa

[Author]

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