Dissociation

[Alicenotichains]

So I have been away from my second abusive partner for (detail removed by Moderator) now. I have stuck to no contact. Weekends are proving to be a challenge. I went out with kids and a friend last night and I felt a flicker of the old me, I didn’t really think about my ex- it was fun- I felt alive for a few moments. Like I was living and not just coping. I had a couple of drinks and we walked home.
Today I felt more tired, the heaviness and sadness came Upon me- we went to the park and the kids were really happy- but I was was like a shell again, I felt so sad and as if I wasn’t really there. I was always able to numb out/ dissociate from abuse and now I feel dissociated from the normal world around me. The kids went off playing and I had a good cry to my friend. It felt lik a relief to talk about how confused I feel. I don’t have many opportunities to cry as I work full time and when I am not at work I am with kids. I have missed my ex today and have successfully battled the urge to contact him. I miss the nice person that he could sometimes be- he wasn’t horrible all the time- sometimes he was lovely and we were very close.
I have dropped kids off now with their father so I can have a proper cry. I know that I have to go through these feelings to come out the other side.
I know this is the aftermath of abuse and I knew it would be hard and I am committed to seeing this process through, for myself and for my children.

I guess like most of you I am recovering from multiple traumatic events- now that I am out of the situation and I don’t have to focus of surviving and avoiding the rage I am left with the damage. It’s like the aftermath of a hurricane- I am stood looking at the wreckage.
I have a plan and I have support so I know I will be ok. It’s just a long, hard process. Xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there, I can totally relate to how you’re feeling. I was out with friends today and enjoyed myself for a while but as we came back home I couldn’t stop thinking about my ex remembering things he said and did, remembering the honeymoon period as well as all the abuse and I started to feel anger, sadness, depression. I had to come home to cry. My friends have been so supportive but I don’t want to go on and on over the same things, yet I still feel so awful with emotions cycling up and down and crying daily. It’s hard to explain that you miss someone who was so evil to people that haven’t experienced abuse. I miss ‘the good times’ too and the person I thought he was, I’m devastated to not only have lost this person but also to have to accept that he doesn’t really exist. I’ve never experienced anything as painful before in my life, it is heart wrenching.

Sorry I’m not much help but hopefully it will help knowing you’re not alone. It’s good that you’re keeping no contact and have support. I think we probably just have to accept it’s going to be painful for quite a long time and let ourselves feel that pain when it washes over us, and make the most out of the times we are more functional and use it to move forward, this is what I’m trying to do anyway, but it is extremely hard and I keep breaking down and wanting to give up. Just focusing on each day helps.

[Alicenotichains]

SunshineRainFlower,

Yes it does help to know that I am not alone. I try and focus on the abuse to try and drown out the feelings of longing and sadness. It’s like I am remembering two separate people.
It’s does help in a way that this is the second time this has happened and I look at the nothingness that I feel for my first husband who was an abuser and can see how much I have healed over my feelings for him. I just thought the second chap was my knight in shining armour- I loved him so much, I would have done anything for him. I can’t believe our relationship went the same way. It’s just frazzled my brain. The things they both did to me were so cruel- but because it echoed some patterns from my childhood it seemed acceptable to me and I always felt hopeful that we could overcome the angry times, solve the problems and be happy. Since educating myself about abuse I realise now that would never have happened and I would have been destroyed in the process.
I have been outside in the fresh air and I feel better. I always knew No Contact would hurt but my goodness it is intense. But at least the fear has stopped- I was so afraid of my ex, I couldn’t breathe properly and I was having terrible anxiety pains in my stomach when he was around. I was just waiting for the next explosion.

Thank you for your support- it sounds like you are in a similar spot to me- let’s be strong together xx

[Knots]

What amazes me about all of you is that you have been brave enough to leave even when you still have feelings for your partners. You have taken such a brave step and of course you will feel grief at the loss of what could have been if they had not been abusers. Grief takes time to heal.
I have not been as brave. I have slipped into years of this, and have no positive feelings for my partner. I hate him and can hardly stand being in the same room as him. That is where your relationships would be heading if you had stayed, you have spared yourself this and given yourself a future. I too think that poor role models in my childhood set me on a path of being attracted to men I thought were strong, but we’re abusive. It has taken so many years to see this and change. I am now ready to leave, but wished I had done so years ago.
. My grown up children mostly feel anger towards him too and the way he has treated them. My eldest in particular has suffered greatly, mostly I had no idea he was so cruel to her as he did it when I wasn’t around. You are sparing them from this. Whatever else they feel, being away from a daily poisonous atmosphere will be so much better.
You have futures with so much possibilities now. Don’t let your grief cloud that truth.

[Alicenotichains]

Thank you Knots. Your account of what happens when you stay with them has given me strength. I was starting to resent my ex as he was such an energy drain for me. But when we have had no contact for several weeks I can’t remember the fear or the feelings of aversion that I had for him. I am currently being haunted by the fact that I love my ex partner but I can’t break NC as I risk losing custody of my kids if I get back into the relationship and also because I know that nothing will ever change so what could be achieved by contact other than more misery. I have been told that I deserve better but this is not something that I know yet. I am having counselling but I am finding the weekends hard. I have so many lovely memories of my ex and they don’t make any sense to me. I feel tormented by my own brain.
The big safety net that my mind is creating in the other direction is that I keep remembering the words/ threat of the social worker saying what would happen to kids if I got back into a relationship with him. Those words spur me on as there is no way on earth that I will let that happen. Even if I have to cry my eyeballs out each weekend. I would be so much more devastated if I lost my precious children. Also I have shown them that I put have them first by ending it and they feel happier and more secure. I won’t do anything to hurt them- I would devastate them and betray them if I made any contact with him. That is my focus. X

[Anonymous]

Hi Aliennochains, I am away but wish I’d have had the strength to do it years ago. My story seems different to the majority I have read, I was with him a long time (years) the first 3 months was good, after that the maximum period of time I got with no abuse was a 3 week period, There was never a honeymoon phase, no I love You’s, just a max of 3 weeks with no scaldings, no sulking, no silent treatment, as the years went by it got progressively worse until it was daily & intense! I could feel the strain tightening around me & it was unbearable, I started being physically sick, my nerves were so bad & his ridiculous rules were impossible to keep & changed daily too. Everything was monitored & he became what I can only describe as a complete stranger, sexually absolutely vile, scarey, I knew how ill he was making me, saw no point in going to the doctors as it was his doctors, but I did visit his doctor about him, schizophrenia ran in his family, I was told to go home & ring adult social services, who told me to ring outreach workers the calls were just going round in circles & getting nowhere. Anyway I at times hated him, at others felt so sorry for him, thought I loved him like a brother! He could never have been a devoted lover as he was so emotionally cold, his abuse was not contained within our home, it was in public too, also abused his mum & other family members. He was a pathological gambler as well. By the time I left I was pretty much in a major breakdown, even then stupid enough to go through the usual hurt & heartbreak of a normal relationship breakdown, you want it over but you miss it too. I would strongly recommend that everyone goes NO CONTACT I Couldn’t manage it, wish I had as much head was still hearing in phone calls the manic (detail removed by Moderator) man to having to pacify him till I knew he was calm, then I felt safe again. He was crazy one call, terrified me so much, Basically he scared me to the extreme & I ended up very seriously ill mental health wise. Even then I allowed him to visit, thinking he had finally realised what he had done to me!!! BAD MISTAKE door open wide for him to imply “see told you she’s gone in the fn head” He had years used threats to have people killed, seriously harmed, brain damaged etc He did know people who could do this I met them years before! I have to be honest he was good looking to look at him I’d still fancy him, BUT knew who he was as a person, a terrifying person. Even after leaving I still kept thinking maybe if he had counselling maybe if he admitted he had an anger problem & got help! I’ve been no contact now few months, still in a dreadful state, shake cry, relive, he feels like a complete stranger one I never knew, despite being with him well over (detail removed by Moderator)! I would beg anyone if there is a way out, get out, please don’t stay, please don’t go back, I left it several years too late & now seriously ill mental health wise, at present unable to work, and in quote a dreadful state too. Exhausted, zero energy, yet still go through the Thank God I got away, if I’d stayed could I have changed anything, prevented my stupidity in going no contact! Still hear his yelling, scolding, feeling like quite a freak now, scared to live like a normal person does. I’m far from young and hope too, hearing your not alone helps. I know others posts have so helped me feel less abnormal, which I am so utterly grateful xx

[Alicenotichains]

Thank you Blueberry. Your last post has helped me today- I am really struggling with missi thin and wanting to make contact- I am questioning if it was that bad but it was. Your account of how staying has damaged your health is very sobering to read . Thank you for sharing. You have helped me today. Xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Aliennochains I am so glad that I helped you, I am 100% sure that the abuse always gets worse, always, there is nothing that anyone can do to stop it or stop them, they are controlling characters who will manipulate any situation, I felt years that I was hiding so much hurt inside, blaming myself. These men do not care. A previous partner left me heavily pregnant telling me it wasn’t me it was him, he was fd in the head, it didn’t matter if I was some beauty queen, interesting statement that “fd in the head” so then did it make it OK to fk my head up, also the child of his!! He came & went over the years, what an idiot I was, totally in love with him, always hoping we’d get back together for my then child’s sake. After years I decided to move on with my life, met the abuser I had to escape from, I was very fond of him, got to love him in a completely different way to my child’s father (that was a deeper than deep love) anyways I knew when got involved with last abuser that I wouldn’t or couldn’t love deeply for fear of getting hurt, but I was loyal to him & gave it my best, According to everyone now the abuser never stood a chance as I was still in love with my ex (will Always have strong feelings) but he broke our child’s heart so that I can’t forgive. What actually was the sad truth is that I accepted a new relationship that was not right from day one really, red flags were there, I accepted that it was ok to be treated badly, also my child, abuser was abusive to, I used to get so upset, say why too, yet it always fell on deaf ears. His views on children were completely different to mine, I was determined that he would not act or rant for no reason to a child who was Always so good, quiet, loving & kind, Over the years neither of us could do anything without the abusers verbal aggression, it was like treading on eggshells, unbearable to be around, others noticed too, my child all those years ago would get yelled at for turning over in bed at night and the floor boards creaked! Abusers are jealous of every relationship we have. The last few years abuser suddenly started to have an obsession with his own relatives, he had never before and it was strange, all of a sudden he started asking did my then older child want to go on days out with him & my child, my child said no, by then the abuser had abused us both so badly neither of us wanted to be near him, that was then twisted into I was jealous!! It’s a long story but my abusers obsession was financially orientated. That is the only reason that he suddenly became obsessed. Abuse does always get worse. As soon as you start to stand up for yourself and that know that their power & control is slipping, the abuse intensifies to try to force you to do as you are told. When I got more and more scared, more and more ill, it worsened, was like he had a secret plan and even after away I still felt sorry for him, idiot kept contact, he wouldn’t and didn’t stop until he completely broke me, then had the nerve to make out I was mentally delusional, telling all He cared about me & my child, liar liar and liar, He was the sole cause, He was actually the one who completely broke both of us. That’s what abusers do, pull everyone into their Webb, they do this years by portraying they are godly saints, that we are not normal, outside believes them. I had the same his family led to believe it was us. His sister and mum saw, knew how badly he treated us as treated them the same, his sisters kids were completely different to my kids, bought up to do stuff that was seen ok (drugs was one thing) I again told everyone does it!! Really, my now adult kids never did, something I’m extremely proud of. But according to him & his family my kids were not street wise!! Wrong they were all very knowledgeable about the world & what goes on in it. Nothing an abuser does is genuine, they want you to believe you are defective, they are the only ones who know how exactly it is life should be, they use pressure & threats & fear to keep you in your place, they lie cheat & manipulate others until you are completely defeated and stand alone with no one believing you. A man who cared would want you to be happy, would want you to be yourself, would never use verbal aggression or fear or humiliation to do so. Xx

[Beenherebefore]

Hello ladies, I still struggle with this myself particularly as I still work with my ex.I just wanted to share a sobering tactic I use….there’s a song by Rapman called #promise thats on YouTube. it is pretty hard to watch at first but I see so much of myold situation in it. I watch this video when I can only remember ‘positive’ memories of my ex. Like you, although I try and remember the bad things ( I have written lists of terrible moments that I need to remember when I’m thinking about him all gooey eyed as well as drawing/ painting my experiences). Some days however this is just not enough so I watch that video and by the end I remember why I will never let myself go back. Hope this helps in some way.
Try and look after yourself tonight and do something nice for you if you can x*x

[Beenherebefore]

P.s. Alicenotinchains as I move forward I question myself too if it was that bad as sometimes I can ‘forget’ things or the bad things become blurry. In this instance I ask my counsellor / friend to remind me of the things I told them when I first left. Hearing them list these things brings them back to the forefront of my mind and is really sobering x*x

[Anonymous]

So much of all of what everyone says is so true, we want to forget the abuse but we also need to remember because yes it really is that bad, yes it really was that bad, yes we were terrified, lived in fear, we mustn’t ever forget the lessons that taught us, I’m seriously ill now as a result of years of his abuse, the impact it’s had in my now adult child (not his) too. Never forget what they did or continue to do, They are vile horrible people who have caused serious damage, with me sadly I think for life now, that is an awful feeling, He walks on with his next victim, whilst I struggle to get through each day, I seriously have been put off of men for life because of him xx

[Author]

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