Divorce Advice

[lilaclady]

Officially heading down the separation route now but wondered if any of you ladies out there could help me with some questions…

How on EARTH do you separate / divorce these men? Mine is very controlling, n**********c and everything has to be his way. He also has a lot more money than me always has done, it’s all “protected” so says I won’t get any but he will pay everything for our son (which is something, but I want that quantified) BUT I can see he is trying to control what happens next and I want a clean break from him. I want a settlement so I can buy a modest house for me and my son (as I have no chance in hell of doing that myself) and child support and custody sorted. I want to use my lawyer and get it done BUT I know this will be a red rag to a bull cost a ton of money (that I don’t have) but at the same time I don’t want this to be all on his terms, he just wants us to sit around a table and sort it out ourselves but I know that is IMPOSSIBLE given how he is. All I can see is me struggling to afford rent and put a roof over our heads.

So my question is how on earth do I proceed. Either I involve the lawyer to get a settlement off him sparking off a huge battle that could take years or I am stuck with him calling all the shots. My entire family are telling me use the lawyer use the lawyer but I am very scared.

Any ladies out there who have got out the other side I would love to hear your stories / experiences / advice. Particularly those dealing with a partner who had much more money that you, everything in his name etc.

[KIP.]

Use a lawyer one hundred percent but a lawyer that has experience of abusers and understands their tactics. Start by gathering all financial information you can. Bank statements pensions statements etc. He will already be hiding money. You need to put all your financial cards on the table. Let your lawyer tell you what you’re entitled to. Make him an offer (which he will refuse) and be prepared to go straight to court after that. Do not waste time and money with solicitors letters. They’re not worth the paper they’re written on. Cannot even be produced in court as they all end with “without prejudice” which means your abuser can write as much nonsense as he likes without fear of it being used in court. Be prepared to fight for your future or walk away with nothing. Ask about legal aid. I think you will be surprised with what you’re entitled to. My ex always lied to me but I ended up with the house. He left with his pension and his tail between his legs. It’s frightening but these men will leave us and our children homeless if they can. They want us left with nothing so they keep control. You can’t do this while living with him and I would go total no contact and let the solicitor deal with it. It might be more expensive in the short term but saved me tens of thousands in the long term. I ended up with double what he was offering. Start with your local women’s aid for a recommendation of a good lawyer. Don’t walk away with nothing. Too many ladies on here have regretted it in years to come x

[cupofcoffee]

I agree with KIP, getting a good lawyer now will save a lot of heartache and financial worries in years to come, you will have a hard few months but then it will all be over, rather than years of thinking “what if”….fight for what is rightfully yours now, and a good lawyer will be in your corner fighting for you too. I too was told by my ex that I would end up with nothing but these were all empty threats and I ended up with considerably more, plus my ex too tried to hide money but lawyers are very good at exposing these tactics. It should not take years either, divorces do not take that long. My advise is to keep in contact with your solicitor to push things along, also be very wary of mediation, they only work in really amicable divorces and certainly not abusive ones. The worse thing you can do is agree with your ex a settlement without seeing his full financial status, so please use a solicitor for this. Good luck!

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Lilaclady,
I’m in the same boat as you. But I’m using the services of a lawyer I met at my local Women’s aid drop-in session for legal advice. If you’re on low wages and only have little or no savings, all you need to do is show them 3 months worth of bank statements and wage slips with a supporting letter from your GP or someone at Women’s aid to say you’re being treated for symptoms which could be related to domestic abuse or that you’ve been assessed for risk by women’s aid and you’ll probably be eligible for legal aid like me. The lawyer will make sure that all legal ties are severed so that he can’t control you financially after. I was told the divorce should be straight forward and quick, but the settlement of property and finances might take a while if he’s hidden his money well. There’s also financial help and help with housing in cases of abuse. Contact citizens advice bureau for guidance with that. It’s very scary, but there’s actually a lot of help and support out there. I understand it’s a bit of a lottery as to what help is available in your area, but the lovely ladies on the helpline can advise you and give you numbers to try.
It’s very scary at first and took me a while to pluck up the courage, you may have to try several times to get through to the helpline, but well worth the effort. I had to see a second GP as the first wasn’t very sympathetic to my situation, but again well worth it. This new one is very helpful and supportive. I only wish I’d had the courage to do it sooner, but like you I didn’t know where to start and didn’t think anyone would believe me about the coercion and control and not just believe I was paranoid and delusional like my husband is always telling me. Make sure you choose a lawyer recommended by the helpline or women’s aid or one who has experience with abuse cases though. They understand how abusers minds work and their tactics. It’s much easier with support. No one has pressured me into making decisions before I’m ready (apart from first GP). Everyone is very supportive and caring and no one has doubted what I’ve said, which was a huge relief. Good luck with your journey 😊 Keep posting it helps immensely.

[Dragonfly]

Use a solicitor. He’s trying to convince you because he has all the cash you can’t get anything. Wrong!! Basically it all starts at 50/50 then negotiating.

[lilaclady]

Thanks everyone! I do have a lawyer recommended to me by a really really helpful friend. I saw him before Christmas and he was great and he is sending a letter to him to get things started (which I am dreading as it will kick off world war three!) I’ve been easing off the contact with my ex (which has been great don’t have to deal with his cr*p anymore). I am having a good positive day today but they come and go. Yesterday was blind panic and fear! but you are all so right I simply cannot walk away with nothing or just settle without knowing his financial status cos at the moment all I go on is what he says…”everything is protected you won’t get a thing”…”I’ll pay EVERYTHING for our son…”….”I don’t have any money I am financially stretched”. God I cannot wait till this is all over. Thanks all these posts have REALLY helped!

[KIP.]

When my ex received his letter he talked me out of using lawyers. Made all sorts of promises that he didn’t keep. I told my lawyer I didn’t need her and that we had sorted things our ourselves. We actually shook hands on it. Laughable now. Of course this was just his delay and distract tactic. Just refuse to talk to him about it and make sure your lawyer puts a deadline date on every letter. Like you have two weeks to supply the information requested. It took a court order to get his bank statements and accounts but only after many many months of stalling. I kept telling my lawyer all he had to do was press print on his laptop but my lawyer just said we should give him more time. You need to take control and keep pushing things along. Delay and distract is what these men are good at. Expect long letters blaming you. That’s got nothing to do with the finances but because my ex couldn’t contact me he used these letters to drag me down so insist your lawyer tells his lawyer just to concentrate on financial matters. Most of all expect this process to take time so don’t put your,life on hold meantime. Make sure you’re still doing things you like x

[cupofcoffee]

KIP is right, definitely look after yourself when all this is going on, do all the things you enjoy, treat yourself kindly, eat well and rest, then once it is all over you will be so relieved. Rely on a good support network!

[Ayanna]

You need a lawyer.
You can agree a budget with the lawyer so that you do not pay endlessly.
And also, you can make the lawyer claim back your costs from him because he earns more.
Ensure you request everything in the financial settlement.
Do not agree to anything what you do not like.
If he sends you the divorce papers and you do not like what he writes you can send him your own divorce papers with your version and refuse to accept his.
Be fierce, fight, do not care. Show him that you are the boss this time.

[lilaclady]

These posts are making me feel so much better! A million thank yous. He is totally trying to delay and distract saying he is not ready to talk about sorting out things, refusing to use a lawyer (and then saying if I do he will get the best against me). It will be terrible when he receives the letter but just reading all you guys have said has made me even more determined to use the lawyer and just get on with it. My ex is a very proud man, to the outside world he’s Mr Perfect, amazing father, funny, charming etc… so I am hoping that may (note the use of the word may here) work in my favour as he might not want the outside world to see him as being a sh*t to me and dragging things out. Ayanna my lawyer did mention that my ex would have to pay legal costs OR they come out of a settlement as he earns considerably more than me. In the meantime I am trying to keep the faith that everything will be ok, I will get through this and my son and I will be ok. I love how you say Ayanna “be fierce fight do not care” that is my mantra now.

[KIP.]

My ex was a proud charming man who prided himself on his reputation and how others saw him. That big act went totally out the window and he didn’t care as long as he could take the shirt off my back. Do not expect reason. Mine tried to make my son and I homeless by trying to force the sale of our home. Everything will be ok because you have the might of the law on your side so make sure you use it but be prepared for him to sink to new depths that will shock you. They just don’t know when to stop. Keep yourself safe too. Do not be alone with him. Meet in public or even better don’t meet at all. Mine refused to use a lawyer but when the letter arrived he knew he had no choice. Then the threats that once the lawyers took their money there would be nothing left for either of us and the home would have to be sold blah blah blah. Everything they say is lies but you can learn from them if you look deeper. Make sure you get a separation date quickly before he hides money as before the separation date it’s hard to prove where the money went. My ex told the court he gave it to me. Total lies! Unbelievable nonsense they make up but it’s hard to disprove.

[lilaclady]

Thanks Kip. You are so right and I can already see him sinking to new depths. He’s now saying we need to sit round a table together and sort out making a bank account for expenses for our son and thats it. He wants it all under his control and I am saying NO. Here it’s summer holidays so my lawyer isn’t back for a few weeks so just waiting until he is back and the letter goes out and not divulging much to my ex so he cannot get his ducks in a row or start hiding money. He keeps saying he is broke which is utter c**p he just wants to protect all his money.

[lilaclady]

Me again..

KIP you are so right he is sinking to new lows. As soon as he can see the control being taken away he loses it. Today I had to go and pick up our son from him as a friend of his had passed away he was due to have our son till tomorrow but no problem I thought something bad has happened I can take him early. Prior to this he had rang me to tell me how our son went at kindy and then used that to then tell me we needed to sit down and talk about money etc. and be nasty. I said no I cannot do this with you as you cannot be reasonable. Then of course when I picked up my son he was ranting (nothing scary all insults) about how I just want money etc. and how I am spending all the money in the joint account on myself. I’m actually currently living off the joint account as I’ve just started a new job and have had no salary the past two months. He says he will provide for our son and how everyone cannot BELIEVE how I am acting everyone thinks I am crazy! Even his ex rang him today to say how sure he can get hot headed but he doesn’t deserve this he’s great! I’ve been ignoring his mother (I haven’t) and I have just played him this last year we have been separated (I actually stupidly wanted to work things out with him tried counselling etc.) it was horrible. Then after he has broken me down he calms down and is all mr nice guy. I am just trying to help you as lawyers will take all the money, we can talk about it and come to an arrangement. He doesn’t have any money anyway and is just trying to protect me. I drove home in floods of tears it was awful. I felt so strong today started a new job that is excellent and really a positive step. Luckily my dad came round we had a lovely dinner and he told me be strong use the lawyer. So I will. Unfortunately the part of the world I am in is summer and everyone is on summer break my lawyer included so I need to just try and keep my ex at bay until I can get the letter sent. Thank you all for you support I am taking each day as it comes.

[KIP.]

Hey there. This is why no contact is so important. Can you ask your dad to collect and drop off child? I was told the same things that his family think I’m being totally unreasonable and I’m delusional and we should be able ‘as adults’ to sit down and sort this out ourselves. And it would be best for our child if we could be reasonable. (Meaning he gets to dictate and leave me with nothing unless I agree to his unreasonable terms). I spoke to his family member and they said nothing of the sort. Do not believe a word he says and if I was you I’d empty that account before he does. It’s impossible to get money from them and you can always declare the money you took to your solicitor but at least you have it. Mine emptied and froze the account.

[lilaclady]

I so need to go no contact KIP you’re so right. My nanny usually does the changeovers so I don’t have to deal with him but it’s holidays here so she’s still off. But once she’s back she can do that. My dad only here for a short time visiting (I was he was here longer). Just need the lawyer to be back from holiday finally so I can action the letter and everything else. I need someone fighting my corner there is no way I am sitting down with him and his “plan”. Thanks KIP!

[lilaclady]

Ah also KIP how did it turn out for you? Did you get it all sorted with lawyers? Did it take ages? And did nothing your ex say actually happen (as in all the scare tactics of you’ll get nothing etc!)

[KIP.]

My ex turned violent when he realised he wasn’t getting his own way. For decades I had always given him what he wanted to keep the peace. But this time I wanted out and he could not control himself. I can tell you I got far more than he ever said I would get. Almost 50 percent more. However he had managed to hide loads that I could not prove. I still needed a court order to get at his books and bank statements as he would not cooperate. You definitely need a very good lawyer with experience of abusers. And don’t waste time on useless letters back and forth. Perhaps your local women’s aid could help there. If things were going to go in his favour believe me he would already have engaged a solicitor and be dragging you down that route.

[White Rose]

Hi lilaclady
Definitely good solicitor. Be honest with solicitor – talk through the abuse tactics you have been exposed to. He’ll try to waste your money by nit picking and disagreeing and triggering emails/letters your solicitor needs to rep my to so make it clear to solicitor you’re not keen on to and for arguments just stick to facts.
You don’t need to cite every incident of abuse to divorce him – just basics of having a relationship which had irretrievably broken down. The divorce petition is scary but keep it simple and factual. He’ll be well p’d off at you divorcing him – he’ll have wanted to control that too. He’ll probably alternate from the “poor wounded tearful little soldier” to the “evil controlling b*$@#*&” so a bit of a rollercoaster for you.
Financial settlement will be harder. Assume he’ll be dishonest with disclosures on financial front so get as much evidence as you can.
Don’t do any negotiation yourself and try to be TOTALLY no contact.
Beware the phrase “without prejudice” in any emails he sends – basically means he assumes it can’t be used in court. Pass everything to slicitor for records. Don’t suggest any settlements unless through solicitor – they are experts and do it all the time!
Be prepared for increased stress and keep posting for support. I suspect he will escalate his actions as he’s threatened by his loss of control over you. After all you are useless without him… or so he believed – little does he know of your strength!
My ex’s solicitor refused to work with him in the end as he wasn’t following the advise given. My solicitor reported my ex to police for harassment! Said she’d never met anyone quiet do evil and manipulative. We’re divorced but still not fully financially sorted……. very nearly but still not quite finalised but feeling marginally optimistic that 2018 might be the year it happens.
Finally – believe in yourself but don’t fight over what doesn’t matter, be guided by the experts.
Good luck and much love xx

[lilaclady]

Thank you so much White Rose. I’ve got no contact now…first time I’ve done it. And I have to say it has made things much easier for now not having to listen to his stuff, his family are definitely buying into his twisted story of what’s happening as they have all been very cold over text etc. which is a shame. You’re advice is excellent White Rose and I shall take it to heart and remember it. I hope 2018 is the year it all gets settled for you good luck xx

[Mell]

KIP. I am reading through and most these conversations relate to my situation. I managed to get me and my child his stepdaughter away from his abusive and controlling behaviour …now staying with friends since (detail removed by Moderator). I don’t work my child just got back into school thank goodness and I can now afford a lawyer. My ex cancelled our spousal visa which was part of his control…both me and my child are stressed and afraid and my ex totally denied ever doing us anything as he is filing for divorce. He constantly told me I won’t get anything and all I would get is deported. I am so depressed most days . I don’t eat or sleep well. The lawyer I have u borrow to try to pay him and all I am getting is a battle of back and forth letters of his abusive on “us” that he totally denies and said it was m e who did it to him. He is even claiming (detail removed by Moderator) if I do t succeed on proving evidence against him. My visa is spousal. How can I get a good lawyer who is qualified in abuse ..because I don’t think mine is and being I hab e no recorse to public funds can the lawyer be paid after settlement ? I am tryingv to get now a non molestat ion order which he is not accepting and challenging.

Please HELP ANYONE. I’m in desperate need to safeguard my child and myself and win this battle he is in control of.

[Mell]

I also now have to (detail removed by Moderator) why I took so long to call the police…why only once and why I need a non molestation order ? ???? I am wondering if they know the fear and anguish we go through especially with children and being threatened. No money and abusive partners who only allow you to work nearby if at all. I am on depression meds and I do t even think they work. I just think he has gotten into my head so much I’m just as he said stupid. Does anyone else feel this way? Like it’s worth giving up ? Should I even fight him or should I do as the police say and go back to my country with my child ? This is a (detail removed by Moderator)yr relationship of control I never knew existed. The only abuse we hear about is physical. How was I so blind to this emotional abuse? Was anyone told constantly they were uneducated and foolish? Been told get out their house with and in front of the child ..if they didn’t do as told? Without evidence how does (detail removed by Moderator) believe me even though all i have is womens aid helpline records,citizens advice and GP records ?

[KIP.]

Hi Mell, have you tried ringing Rights for Women? They offer free legal advice. Some solicitors may take payment from the final settlement. You need to negotiate with them. Mine allowed me to pay my bill up over six months. Perhaps your consulate could help? Don’t give up x my ex would call me a stupid b…. would laugh and belittle me, eroding my confidence. Would say I had saggy t.ts and cellulite, knowing I was very self conscious. Keep any email or text messages for evidence but don’t rely totally on the law. My ex still got away with stealing tens of thousands from me just by lying x

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there ll,

What I would say is to be prepared for coercive control tactics to continue through the court process.

Remembering the order in which things happen is important.

1. Initiation of divorce (expect the flack from ex for this but stay calm)
2. Sorting out of the children’s arrangements (known as the residence hearing)
3. The finance hearing

The process of 1, 2, 3 can take two years or more. (I didn’t quite believe this when someone told me, but I have known people for whom it takes longer).

I would agree with the person who said, don’t mess about go to court as quickly as possible.
There is something oddly reassuring about the transparency of when you actually get to court. I’ve never been so grateful for the law in all my life, (detail removed by Moderator)

The worst part (and I’m telling you this as I don’t want anyone else to suffer as I did)
is the residence hearing.

Be clear about what contact arrangements would suit you and your child, given your situation.
Be prepared that this person is going to do their absolute best to prove that you are a rubbish mum
(I know you are not)
Be prepared that they will try to say you are mentally ill, an alcoholic, sleep around, were unfaithful, are irrational, a spendthrift, have not contributed anything to the marriage, have turned your (and their family against them), in short they will do their absolute best to smash your self-esteem in order that they can have all your money (and your child).

I’m sorry to have to say all that, but maybe if someone had said that to me when it all started perhaps I would not have suffered so much.

Have your spiritual shield ready lovely. I am glad to post here on this subject.
You can do it!
all best
ftc.
x*x

[Mell]

Thanks KIP & FREEDOMTOCHOOSE…im not sure how my consulate could do but I will try. It’s just so depressing when you never knew this kind of abuse existed and what to do to get around the plan they pre orchestrated/ meditated .

[freedomtochoose]

Yes, it IS. and not the kind of education we would have chosen for ourselves

But personally I can see the meaning in it. IN having this experience we can help others, because we understand it. That is a very hard lesson to learn. But there is meaning and well done you for getting this far.

So much value this forum and your presence on it.
Thank you for your insights.
all best
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

And also. your consulate should have domestic abuse policies and honour=based violence policies.
If I were u if in doubt I would go straight to the United Nations advisors.
They have policies too which are supposed to be implemented nationally.
I have often chosen to go straight to the top.
all best
ftc.
x

[Serenity]

You 100% need a lawyer. If he is controlling and manipulative, he will try his best to ensure that you lose and he wins, not least because you dared to divorce him.

Expect him to kick off when you say you are using a solicitor. Mine did. However, that set in motion a series of events which meant that I got a non-mol snd then, unexpectedly, legal aid to help me, as he’d become threatening. I got an occupancy order to, saying he couldn’t come to the house.

Remember that you aren’t alone in this. You have us, and you have the different helplines and organisations to help. He will try to weaken you and make you fearful so that you give in to his bullying. See his game. Get help and advice every step of the way.

I agree that it’s important to have a solicitor who understands DV and abuse tactics.

I started out by going to two of three firms, and getting half hour free advice sessions ( many were very kind and spent more than the allotted time with me).

[Ayanna]

When you divorce you will have a financial settlement anyway.
For the divorce you actually do not need a lawyer.
You can hand in the divorce yourself and accuse him of the worst things in your statement.
You can write anything there.
They want to know why you want to divorce him. You can tell anything and everything.

If he sends you divorce papers you do not need to accept them. You can counteract by sending him your own divorce papers.
All without a lawyer.

The financial settlement is a different part of the divorce.
If he does not apply for it you can do it.
As you own a property together you should get the advice of a lawyer.

You do not have to believe everything what the lawyer tells you, because they are slaves of the system and often liaise with the other party behind your back.

I wish I had known all this when I went through my own divorce.

[Author]

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