- This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Hi
My children are in their late teens ( so not so children as young adults!) but have remaoined with their stepdad as the charming, coercive controller. After being moved to a safe house and subsequently getting my life back on track, I decided I was strong enough to meet back up with him to discuss financial settlements.
Naturally, as a n********t abuser would, he love bombed me throughout my meeting with him, used manipulation, emotional blackmailing and gaslighting to make me ‘hold off.(detail removed by moderator) I left with nothing and he is extremely financially stable.
Has anyone experienced the difficulty in settling finances during a divorce with an abuser? How did it work out? He basically intends on informing the kids that if I don’t wait, i am essentially forcing them out of their family home as he has to sell. It looks like I have to pursue a legal route but equally don;t want my children to think I am putting finances before my relationship with them- which is already rocky given his corecive behaviours.
Thansk for any advice or experience you can share.
xx
-
-
Hi littlemissgettingthere,
My situation isn’t the same as yours but I have been involved in lengthy financial proceedings. (detail removed by Moderator).
(detail removed by Moderator)
If you are married and jointly own the property/assets, 50:50 would be starting point from legal standpoint and then it’s looking at needs. Not sure how that stands with grown up children- someone else may be able to answer that or Google it (I found loads of info this way). If you don’t jointly own, you may still be entitled to a split- just need to get the advice on what that would be).
The fact that he is financially better off could work in your favour as your need could be considered greater than his from division of assets.
Re: kids, you may need to weigh up how long you are willing to wait until it won’t be their family home any longer to sell, or sell now and have a clean break. Rest assured your ex will bad mouth you in every way, either way! And if you’re financially tied ie with a mortgage then you won’t be able to move on until your finances are resolved. My experience would be not to wait but that’s based on my circs. Your ex is unreasonably expecting you to leave with nothing until he decides it’s the right time to sell, which will be never. And even then, you’d most likely have to go down the court route anyway then as it’s very difficult to get an abuser to settle on a realistic and fair split. Court proceedings can be very lengthy and so you could be talking many years until your finances resolved if you wait (I didn’t and it’s still not 100% finished).
Btw, If he’s that concerned about kids’ education (im assuming that’s why he doesn’t want to sell) he could move out, rent and let you move back in until sale time to keep them in the family home? Yes I’m sure that’s not an option but could be a solution you proposed? He, as you state, is extremely financially stable. A solicitor could give you more advice on potential options/outcomes or perhaps try Rights of Women or wikidivorce is very good for practical divorce/financial advice.
Lessons learned for me – no contact and if you have to, everything by email so you have a paper trail of what’s said/agreed. Until you have final consent order approved by judge, they can change their mind on a whim. Also, these guys really get off on the power of controlling financial settlements/proceedings so the quicker you can get it over with the better. Legal fees cost an arm and a leg so if you’re going to seek advice be very clear on what you want and don’t deviate. Think carefully about what you want from a settlement and what would be the minimum you could /would accept. Sometimes it’s better to walk away with less than what you should get morally just to put an end to it and fron my point of view, whatever I’ve lost to be rid of him, is money well spent.
The kids aspect is hard but you have to be fair to yourself too. What he’s asking isn’t fair or right or legally acceptable.
Stay strong and good for you for getting out. Onwards and upwards now 💪 xx
-
Thank you so much for your responses guys and Lifebegins, I completely agree with your advice. I figure that I will be judged negatively either way so I may as well just go ahead. For all I knw, my the time my children leave ( they are (detail removed by Moderator)) he could have remarried/ emigrated ( he mentioned he may be moving away) and that will make things more difficult.
I appreciate you getting back to me!
xx
-
-
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
