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    • #133664
      Secretlife
      Participant

      I am finally ready, the red line has been crossed one time too many. At the moment, I’m feeling strong and ready to leave him. However, I am dependent on him financially. He has sufficient assets to provide me with a home and support me to a good extent. However, he says he will not provide me with any money if I leave, and tells me I need to go and see a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. I am keen to do this but I won’t be able to move out until any financial settlement is legally agreed. I’m not in any physical danger, it’s all full on emotional stuff, which I lived with for years anyway. I’m just wondering if anyone else has been down this route and would appreciate any advice. Do I have any other options?

    • #133667
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Hi secretlife
      I am in the same position as you. We have a big mortgage so will need to sell the house first. He could afford to move out in the meantime but I couldn’t. He refuses too. I did ask just for a separation to see if we could work through it but he refused. So looks like I will have to divorce him. I could only afford somewhere really small until I got my share of the house so couldn’t bring the children and I am not going without them. Plus I don’t want to have to move twice.
      Dreading the neighbours finding out. I love my house I am gutted I will lose it.

      He has told me if I divorce he will not give me a penny as maintenance as I asked him what he would give me as although I have my own job I wanted to work out how big a mortgage I could afford if he was giving me some money each month. He spitefully said he would want joint custody so he wouldn’t have to give me a penny as why should he if we share the children 50/50!

      I have just made myself a long list of of all the red flags I have missed over the decades.
      I have an appointment booked with a solicitor but am so nervous. I don’t know if I can go through with it.

      Mine is all emotional stuff too although he does have terrible rages too so I do feel a bit nervous sometimes he might hit me. But so far he hasn’t.

    • #133705
      Secretlife
      Participant

      Hello Stuckinturmoil

      I sought legal advice pre covid, and it was valuable advice and reassuring regarding what I could realistically expect from a divorce. Like you, I did suggest a separation, but for me this was a sweetener to just get out, but, he said no, it’s divorce or nothing. From what I have learnt from this forum, no contact is the best way and I would welcome this. Its a little easier for me in a way as I moved into his house, and it has never felt like my home anyway, so leaving it will not be an issue. I also have no feelings for him and will never allow myself to feel sorry for him after all he has, and still is, putting me through. Let’s see if we can get some advice from my post to help us both move forward. Good luck with your appointment, you’ll be glad you went, I bet! Take care and stay safe xx

    • #133706
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @secretlife I love love the fact that you are ready this is amazing.
      I hope that one of the others can help you but I would say have you asked womans aid? Could they point you in the right direction?
      I wish you such luck sweetie well done you x*x

    • #133971
      WhiskyRose
      Participant

      Good luck!

      Have a look at these websites, they offer so much guidance and free helplines too. A lot of solicitors I have found offer a free 30 minutes at the start especially around abuse – yes, even emotional!!

      Home

      Home

      I am not married but we own a house together and going through trying to get out too, with him refusing. I have tried everything but solicitors is the only answer if he does not co-operate.

      If you are financially dependent on him you will likely qualify for legal aid too

      Good luck xx

    • #133984
      Secretlife
      Participant

      Thank you Whisky Rose. I will look at these websites. I have visited one solicitor for free advice, but may try a another one. I hope you’re OK and I wish you success in your efforts to sort things out. It’s an awful time isn’t it. Many thanks xx

    • #133986
      Hazydayz
      Participant

      Hi, I recently was informed that if you are both in agreement to divorce? You can divorce while living under the same roof. If it’s safe to do so? I imagine. What was said by the legal advisor was you have to be able to prove that your living independently. Seperate lives! that will mean showing your supporting yourself. With your own money. You will need to be able to prove your own income. In the home…obviously, seperate bed/bedrooms and living seperate lives inside or outside the home. That equates to being seperated I assume? Whenever at home, you would be expected to be, Preparing your own meals, eating alone, away from each other, staying seperate. I was told you could live like this for between 7 to 12 months before you get your divorce maybe? If all goes well? Question is?…is it doable?

    • #134026
      Secretlife
      Participant

      Thank you Hazydayz for this. It would certainly be very difficult, but things are difficult and very grim now! Your response has confirmed I do need to contact WA or similar for advice. Thank you, that information is good to be aware of as I move forward xx

    • #134053
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Secretlife,

      I stayed in the house for much of the divorce. In the end it became so intolerable, I made myself homeless.

      Once he knows that the divorce is underway, he will get much, much worse. My ex rotated through the abuse cycle several times a day towards the end. He wasn’t violent – he didn’t need to be, I nearly killed myself!

      The psychological damage was enormous and I ended up baracading myself into my bedroom, too afraid to even go into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. As soon as I came out of my room he would appear to either try and win me back or to vent his venom.

      There was nowhere that I could go to make a private phone call. Whichever room I was in, he would find some way of listening in. If I wanted to talk to my IDVA, I had to leave the house.

      I had seen my ex steam open my son’s mail in the past so I had to get everything to do with him or the divorce sent to a dedicated, secret email address or collect it from the solicitors office.


      @Stuckinturmoil
      Just for the record, he doesn’t dictate custody terms or financial settlements. If necessary the court will do this. Even if he has 50/50 custody, he is likely to have to pay maintenance if you earn significantly less than he does. In fact, if you earn less you should get a favourable financial deal.

      The quickest route to divorce is “unreasonable behaviour.” Keep a record of any coercive control or manipulative behaviour towards you as you will need to state three things that he has done to control you coercively. Threatening not to pay maintenance to force you to stay with him is a good example.

      Give your marriage certificate to your solicitor and start the divorce as soon as possible. If he gets hold of your marriage certificate, or a certified copy, he can file for divorce against you and really slow things down. He will do everything he can to drag his feet and make life, and the divorce, as difficult for you as he can.

      I can’t describe how horrendous it was.

      I know you feel trapped but please look into options for getting yourself and your children out of there ASAP. xx

    • #134066
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi secretlife,

      Continuing to live with an abuser whilst separated is never an ideal situation. One thing your solicitor may suggest is a Non Molestation Order that will be served on your husband that will stipulate he is not to assault, pester, harass or annoy you. They can also include what times each of you are allowed to occupy the kitchen to prepare your meals in peace! Please do not accept one of these (there will be a charge for this anyway) as they are virtually impossible to enforce and just give the abuser more power and control when they understand how they can manipulate it. Even with a power of arrest attached to them, the police find it very hard to enforce one of these through the criminal route and the only other way to try and enforce it is to take it back to court yourself and pay. I can give many examples of how I have seen these successfully breached and have added further distress to a lady with no consequence at all to the abuser. I won’t put them here but can PM you the various situations if you want to know more so that you will understand why they are worthless.

      ** When I say they ‘worthless’ I mean this when still living in the same house as the abuser. When living at separate addresses they can be very valuable and are recommended.

    • #134071
      Secretlife
      Participant

      Thank you Eggshells and Wants to Help for your replies. I’m realising this is not an option, I think I would go under mentally. I’m going to explore other options. I have been talking to my husband about a trial separation, I would have no intention of coming back, but he has agreed to help with rent (which I would of course get upfront from him). This would give me breathing space and the chance to start divorce proceedings and I would not then be living in the same house. Today, quite coincidentally a friend has said her tenant us leaving…… So, maybe there is a possibility – I am so scared, I’m almost frozen. I know I have to get myself out. Thank you ladies for your advice and support x*x

    • #134080
      Eggshells
      Participant

      It’s very normal to be scared. I should imagine it’s a scarey move for anyone but when you’ve been in an abusive relationship, you loose your confidence (it’s deliberately taken from you).

      For the first month after I left, I woke up feeling sick to my stomach every morning. But as time went on, I began to realise that I could do all sorts of things by myself. Having successfully raised a family, despite him, you’ll find it all even easier without him holding you back. xx

    • #134093
      Secretlife
      Participant

      Thank you Eggshells. I’m feeling more positive today. Your message is very inspiring, thank you xx

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