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Do abusers love their children? When I met him he had 2 from a previous and dotted on them like you wouldn’t believe. Put them first like you should and would kill for them. As time progressed that faded and we had a baby and he never showed any of that towards our child and now I’m pregnant he hasn’t made no effort to see our child or support me while pregannt? No money, hasn’t made arrangements for contact, nothing!! I don’t understand? I would walk the earth for my children? He’s also got a new girlfriend with children and probably spending time with him spending money on him and her, loving them? I don’t get it, I really don’t? My poor children and unborn baby, just cry for them all the time
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That’s a good question whenwillfindhappiness.My Ex husband idolised our kids when we first split up .Appeared great Dad turning up our kids activities putting photos up on social media etc .Then in recent months I had to go no contact he quickly moved on and has got his very recent girlfriend pregnant .Again making out he can’t wait to be a daddy again but in reality he has not seen our kids at all in recent months .Stopped child maintenance and did not buy anything for there birthdays or not even Easter egg for them .For me a dramatic difference .Like you I would die for my kids with help of my family my kids are looked after loved.There are times I wish my kids could of had a proper father and it does hurt of course but then I think the way he was he would not of been a very good role model
For my kids .I think with me my Ex made out he wanted the family etc but looking back he was never fully involved in bringing our kids up .For me I think it was all for show and with the new girlfriend getting pregnant I can see history repeating itself in the future .My Ex husband is to selfish to put anyone first long term unless it’s himself . -
Firstly I know how stressful not having any money is. I spent a whole year living on 100 pounds a month after paying all mine and my ex husbands bills whilst he dragged the divorce process and purchased new property leaving me responsible for two mortgages. At the time I was undergoing serious medical issues, surgery etc, and not able to work, not get benefits because I had assets over 16k which I could not access. I got an allotment, and chickens grew my food …and also had something that took me outside, and with people, therapy.
And secondly its not just abusers that cut contact with their children, others do it as a coping mechanism, seeing and interacting with their children after a relationship breakdown can bring back memories that trigger pain. eg. my mother was left with custody of three daughters which she fought for on principle we were money tokens, but did not parent, and wanted rid of, as soon as she could, as children kept the marriage together, when it should of ended many yrs previously. She still denys my existence. but im over that …
Also your pregnancy is the abusive ex partner the father? As that will mean the difference between responsibility for 1/2 children. If he is then the court process will help decide and ensure you receive enough child support from him
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My Ex husband in his mind because he was payinh maintenance for our kids at time he demanded respect off them .Plus he expected our kids to shower him with praise attention .Same time he put little effect into being a proper Dad .He was more intrested I think trying to get my attention when we split and flirting with other women and getting attention off them .
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In my experience – mine doesn’t. He had a child already when I met him, who he made all the right noises about, desperate to see the child, cried that he couldn’t see the child, started the process for child contact. He got that contact, he used it to continue abusing the mother. He would not bother going to contact, he’d sit there on his phone, at one point (when contact was no longer supervised) he was mentally and physically abusing the child.
He’s never even bothered with the child I have by him. He claims he did. I left when I was pregnant and so he bombarded with messages, and turned up at the hospital after I gave birth and kicked off, threatened to kill me. For ages he flat out denied that my child is his, but bought him up at criminal trial that I’ve made everything up to prevent him seeing “our” child. His only interest in my child is when it suits him, and when he thinks he can use the child to control the situation, or control me.
He has at least another 3 kids. Two of those were conceived whilst we were together so he denies their existence. He only sees one of his children and that’s because he’s still with the mother.In my experience they love them as long as they can use them. Usually to keep up the facade that they’re such a loving, doting, caring man who loves his kids whilst painting us as evil, horrible, lying women who unjustly keep them from their kids.
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A complex question, but these are my thoughts:
An abuser looks at things through their own lens. They can’t ever step in someone else’s shoes, or seevthat other people are as important as they are. Other people are there to serve their needs and to be used in some way.
Other people also enrage them, if they don’t sacrifice enough for the abuser or fail to treat the abuser like they are highly important. Abusers are also manipulative: to them, everyday situations are an opportunity to con, and to gain power and use people for their own benefit.
It’s interesting that you say he appeared like the ideal dad to his kids from a previous relationship when you first met him. This show of doting dad could have been to hook you and pull you in, make you think he was a good person. The fact that the affection towards those kids didn’t last makes it even more probable that he was putting on a great show when you first met him.
Abuse often increases after marriage or after there’s been some form of commitment- like moving in together, where the abuser sees that he had the woman ‘trapped’ and more dependent, and unable to escape easily- and unfortunately abuse heightens during a woman’s pregnancy, a time when a woman needs to feel secure and safe and to receive support. An abuser will often deny emotional support. Again, it’s because they think they ‘can’: the woman is trapped, in their eyes, and they take advantage of her vulnerable state to exert cruelty and power.
Abusers are notoriously cruel parents. Kids are there to serve a purpose- either to make them look good to the outside world ( my ex used to use photos of our family to show potential customers, to make him look like a trustworthy and respectable family man: the truth is, he came home and shouted at them)and they enjoy ruling kids with an iron rod. Or they enjoy using the kids to hurt you, trying to set them against you, either in marriage or post-separation.
A friend of mine is married, but her horrible partner is always inviting their boys to laugh at the things their mother does.
In divorce or separation situations, as wecknow, abusers very often play the great dad, to try to hide their own previous wrongdoings from the authorities, to try to punish the mother by trying to make the mother look bad to the children. They like to punish exes and to bad mouth them to anyone who will listen. They like to destroy the reputation of those who have failed to treat them like the god they think they are, or dated to stand up to them. Kids can become useful weapons in this.
Abusers will often be enraged and overly-punish children who don’t ‘play the part’ of helping them to look good. They react to any show of independence, individuality or differing viewpoints from a child with anger, and will either show aggression and punish, or will covertly try to spoil their achievements through cunning forms of sabotage. To them, a child is meant to be an extension of themselves, reflecting their needs and making them look good, and never questioning them. If they do, they are disowned or punished.
They will also look for future partners who they think will be ‘grateful’ to have them – and this could include vulnerable women, or single mothers, who they think will see them as a knight in shining armour, coming to rescue them and give them support ( the reality is that they soon start throwing their weight around and complaining that they aren’t centre of attention or that the step kids are badly behaved, and that the woman doesn’t realise how lucky she is to have him, he took her on when apparently “no one else would” etc….).
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In my experience…. No they don’t care for any child. I’ve had two abusive men. First one had one child. Second had three. At first they both came out with the same rubbish…. I love my children more than anything and you will never come before them. But they never saw them. Had no interest in them. Now I have a child, his dad only wants to see him to keep child maintenance payments down. He never phones him, doesn’t interact or take him anywhere. In fact he wants to go to the states but wants me to fund that. It’s a joke.
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there’s definitely something wrong with my children’s father. He ‘shows’ what a good dad he is to them all the time in front of others, but yet he also doesn’t, he doesn’t prioritise them at all, he loses it whenever they get involved in anything collaborative. He has no patience or understanding and just flies off the handle, and they don’t feel close to him, like there’s no connection… I think there’s something very wrong with him… but i also think I’m on my own in thinking this, the children ‘know’ it, but cant really vocalise it and because he cries to them if things go wrong they feel they must support him and he needs them, etc. He always very good at the gifts and money. Unfortunately thats the worst thing for children! (knowing someone as a source of money and gifts).
all this ‘love’ that he has, just never converted into anything tangible, not pleased to see them at the end of the day, ignoring them, nevertaking part in their lives…. i don’t know about real love!
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My input, my kids dad doesn’t.
I didn’t see it at first been young but I remember been with him before our kids when he had had his first from a previous relationship.
I remember now the signs be let me and a friend take his daughter on a train for a day without him!! I only knew him a week!
Second sign was I remember him saying something like he didn’t love it want that child .
Now with my own kids and watching his first child for up even living together there was little affection. He would give them a cuddle before bed and say night always the the youngest one.
Every now and then he would go into their room and give them a cuddle before bed but otherwise he got annoyed if they ran to him for a cuddle. School and nursery totally different again cuddles etc.
Now when he first child messages or rang be would not answer once they tried calling him on Facebook for him to reply what do you want? the child replied nothing for him to say well leave me alone then!! Remember this child he only sees every second weekend.
Now the reason he sees this child is because his mum forced him because he was only (detail removed by moderator) at the time otherwise he wouldn’t. Now he left this house 4 days ago and no contact at all from him. I expected something even a text asking how his other 5 kids are but no nothing.i let the youngest ring him last night to say night and he was detached said night and only said love you when one of the older kids did. Then he hung up.
I know how this will end his family don’t want my kids that was clear they was happy with the first born. My kids never got a look in!! Today is my sons birthday and I know there will be contact from any of them
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