Do I come from an abusive family?

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m still living with my parents due to the house I am moving to being in a bad state and me having to try to make it habitable. It was the only place that would allow me to rent it due to having a cat and needing housing benefit. It feels horrible that society thinks that people who need housing benefit and have cats are not entitled the same living standard as other people but the place itself is nice and is looking much better now I have blitz cleaned it and got the agency to sort out all of the broken fixtures so I am finishing off my packing and should be able to move in really soon.

I have been feeling confused about my family trying to work out if they are abusive or not. I believe that I have grown up in a mainly emotionally abusive household and that is why I didn’t recognise that my ex was abusing me because a lot of his behaviour seemed totally normal to me. It was only when I rang the helpline and started reading about it did I realise all this behaviour was classed as abuse by the experts.

I think a lot of their behaviour is strange and they often leave me feeling uncomfortable, creeped out, confused, guilty and powerless which is probably my answer, but it’s hard to get perspective on it especially when they are also helping me a lot financially and helped me clean the new place for example.

I’ve just heard a disagreement between them making dinner. My mother has always been bossy and controlling quite patronising to my father and bosses him around. She uses sarcasm and mocking a lot. He seems kind of lost and asks for her help a lot if she doesn’t do this. I’ve noticed that neither of them ever actually take responsibility or blame for anything. He has some memory problems now but will do anything to get out of admitting he made a mistake. He’d obviously phoned the wrong number earlier and my mother asked if he was sure he’d rung the right number and he replied that he would know if he got the wrong number with a mocking sarcastic tone and deepened his voice so it sounded a sort of aggressive and forceful. My abusive ex used to reply in almost the exact same way with that deepending aggressive tone if I caught him in a lie or said something he didn’t like. It sort of shuts you up because it takes you by surprise, makes you feel bad for questioning them and you feel like they are asserting dominance over you that you shouldn’t question for fear that the aggression increases.

My dad hasn’t got really angry in years (he is quite old now) but when I was younger I remember him getting really angry and aggressive and having to lock myself in the bathroom because he was scary. My brother also squared up to me once, put his body right up next to mine with a raised hand and said aggressively ‘if you EVER say that to me again’ right in my face because I had called him a rude word after he had done something horrible to me.

Are my family abusive? I can see that my brother and dad have both used these threats of violence years ago to assert dominance and control, it just seemed so normal and I accepted it. It’s so confusing.

[maddog]

It is so difficult, isn’t it, when we grow up in a dysfunctional family and that becomes our normal. Being afraid of your parents is NOT normal. People stay together for all sorts of reasons. It doesn’t make it right. Lots of us did have really c****y parents. It sounds like there was a lot of anger in your family and if you are getting the same sense you had from an abusive relationship you probably did endure abuse.

It must be really tough living back with your parents. It must be awful re-living your childhood with the benefit of hindsight. Please try and be kind to yourself and get as much help and support as is available. Your parents have made their own decisions and as an adult, you can make yours. My father is still bonkers, still co-dependent, still difficult, and his behaviour has had devastating effects. He has a great team of people around him, and I have had to learn how to ‘manage’ him so I don’t get dragged into the web. Usually it works.

It took me a very long time to accept what had happened to me, and I am so shocked that my marriage has been so abusive although in very different ways to my childhood. My father never intended harm. My husband does. The motivations are very different as are the situations. There are loads of things I don’t talk with my dad about. It just makes it easier. It’s a pity I can’t really talk to him, but I would prefer his company without the complications and he’s not going to change. There is no way I could live in his house. No way!

[Serenity]

You’re probably seeing similar dynamics, yes: power games or the attempt to dominate another person, using fear to control others, denial of fault, refusal to admit mistakes or to apologise…

These dynamics I imagine are based upon certain people’s need for power, the upper hand, to be top dog, their ego and pride ruling their behaviour.

Jimi Hendrix said that “When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” Love stands in opposition to the love of power. When you love someone, your desire to love them equals or overcomes your need to appear right, to be in control. In a healthy relationship, there is not just love, but there is the difficult working out of caring for the other’s needs and rights, which takes compromise and effort. We know, as people-pleasers, how easy and natural it has seemed to us to give and to sacrifice things for those we love. Unfortunately, not everyone operates like this.

I too relied that there were less than ideal, and unhealthy, dynamics in my family of origin host made mr more susceptible to accepting my ex’s behaviour.

Using fear as a weapon is abusive, denying others their rights is abusive, talking down to people and verbally degrading them is abusive.

I suppose many people may slip into behaviours that could be classed as abusive from time to time, but a healthy person will feel regret and remorse and try their utmost to overcome such behaviour. They will learn from the experience, because their conscience teaches them something. An person who is abusive is caught in repeated patterns of negative behaviour. They never learn or develop to overcome such behaviour, because they aren’t self-aware. They deny they are at fault in any way and will always blame others, though some might fake remorse to keep their victim where they are.

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks for your replies. I started questioning everything when I left my horrible ex and have a lot of unanswered questions about my family.

It’s hard to state all the examples on here but it all adds up to make me very suspicious of them. I don’t feel I can trust them. There is also the sexual element where my dad gives me the creeps and looks at my body to the extent that I started to wear baggy clothes and hide behind doors if he is around. I’ve never liked hugging him and avoid him around the house.

My mum seems to be a boundary violator, she does things like throw out my things or moves them, has often chopped down my flowers ‘by accident’ even though I bought the plant and it was a plant she didn’t ever buy. This particular plant is one you can harvest to make tea and she just cut off all the flower heads to ‘prune’ it. She refused to let me wash my own clothes for years (as an adult) and it was only when I was really depressed and she came with me to the dr that the dr told her to give me some space and let me do things like my own washing. She’s discouraged me from working and has often said that I am ‘not well’ and implies I am incapable of fending for myself. She has always said ‘I dont know how to love’ and was very critical and perpetually disappointed and angry at me when I was a child as I was quiet and creative which she couldn’t handle.

For years she has done stuff like this which left me with the most awful, angry, powerless feeling of frustration. It got so bad I went on an anger management course but I have since realised my rage was always in response to a boundary violation.

Meanwhile, she worships my brother and lights up whenever he comes home. She bakes his favourite cakes which he doesn’t eat, we all have to go to his favourite places, listen to him tell us about his job etc. Once she massaged his feet on the sofa which made me feel so uncomfortable as it looked sexual. Growing up she wouldn’t even massage my shoulders when I had hurt my neck. My brother has for as long as I remember mocked me, put me down, teased me, once he called me fat (even though I am a normal healthy weight). During family meals he almost always cracks a joke at my expense and I am seen as the difficult one if I don’t like it. He never asks me about what I’ve been up to or shows interest in anything about my life. He is super temporamental and moody, all charming one minute then suddenly snaps and is rude and mean the next. Growing up he bullied me a lot and used to kick and hit me.

I am piecing it all together. I think one of the reasons that I am attracted to these abusive men because initially they always pay me a lot of attention and validate me. It is like having a glass of water in the desert after years of feeling invalidated and ignored and unloved by my family. My mum gave all her love and attention and praise and validation to my brother and has usually acted sort of apathetic towards me. I feel like she tries to love and like me but can’t, we often clash about things and she frequently drives me crazy with the things she says. I know I have to find some way of healing and meeting those unmet childhood needs, validate myself and provide my own self worth to break the pattern of dating abusers, I’m just not sure how.

[maddog]

You may find the NAPAC website helpful. Favouritism is so dysfunctional and harmful. It is wonderful to read so much insight into abusive behaviour. I have found a major problem with just being me, warts and all. It is so interesting that you write about feeling validated and wanted. That’s just how I felt when I met my husband. He told me a little about his life, and I really thought we would be able to work together. I didn’t understand that I would be doing all the work and he would press on regardless.

With help and support you will be able to see yourself as separate from your original family and start to grow and develop. When boundaries have been crossed and blurred it is very difficult to see the wood for the trees. It’s a bit like undoing knots.

I’ve still got a hell of a journey to sort myself out from a horrible marriage. Years of having sex done at me, often feeling afraid of my husband, not knowing how to leave…. Yes, it’s a mess!

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m kind of getting the impression that neither of you think my family is abusive then or have I got that wrong? I guess in the end I have to trust my own feelings about it and acknowledge that they make me feel so incredibly uncomfortable a lot of the time. I think a lot of it is the way they says things, it gives me this terrible feeling of powerlessness, confusion and anger.

I have rung NAPAC before so will give them another ring, thanks for reminding me Maddog. I think I will feel clearer about it once I have moved out. I really don’t want to be relying on them financially so the next step is to find myself a part time job which I have been trying to do for months without success. Hopefully that will fall into place next.

[maddog]

Your family does sound abusive, SunshineRainflower! Well done for getting through to NAPAC. It’s a big thing to realise just how awful ones own family structure is.
Chopping down your flowers is passive aggressive and a means of controlling you. Being called names is abusive.
There is plenty of information online about the long term effects of child abuse. It often leads to problems with self-esteem, finding work, finding appropriate accommodation, relationships, food/drug/alcohol issues…. Co-dependency can be a problem; all that people-pleasing and trying to avoid conflict…

[Serenity]

Bless you, Sunshine Rain Flower,

My mum’s behaviour has much improved since I told her that ‘people only forgive so many times.’ She is materialistically supportive but can be emotionally unkind.

I think standing up to these people is the answer. The worthwhile ones will alter their behaviour.

As I once read,

[Starmoon]

Hi, I can so strongly relate to a lot of what you’ve said. I also felt validated by my ex which was so important because I didn’t feel I was as a child. My dad reminds me so much of my ex and even my mum has said on many occasions that they are similar. As a child I remember my dad being loving but as a teenager I remember feeling infuriated, not important and like I was just causing dramas… he’d twist things I said and then lie to my mum about it. It’s horrible to think of my support network as abusive… like with your family, mine financially support me a lot too.. and they help with practical stuff but they have a way of making me feel awful for it.
Sorry if I’ve gone off on one there. Xx

[Serenity]

Sorry, not quite sure what happened to the rest of my previous post! It disappeared!

Sorry if I wasn’t clear ( I think I rambled and went off on a tangent before- I was listing too late at night and a bit tired!). I do think that your family are being abusive. Trust your gut. Don’t expect them to admit it: most don’t.

Many of your posts about your family resonate with me. I can identify with your pain. Sorry if my previous post wasn’t clear.

I’ve put in other posts about my realisation that I can self- partner and self -parent. This has helped me to overcome my experience of my own family in some way.

Here’s to you moving into a place of your own and developing strength and independence at a measured distance from them.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi everyone,

Thanks again for your replies.

Maddog yes I can definitely relate to people who have experienced childhood abuse, I started researching it when I noticed a lot of my symptomns and issues fitted the descriptions of abuse survivors. I am glad i am finally realising and talking about it, it freaked me out for so long I just buried it away.

Starmoon it seems so common that our exes remind us of a family member, I have read and heard a lot about this from people online who now support abuse survivors (they all say they had a n**********c parent and ended up dating at least one but often several abusers in a row before hitting rock bottom and going on the healing self discovery journey to break the awful pattern.) I’m sorry to hear your family are not too helpful either, it’s all very confusing isn’t it.

I have noticed that whenever I get that ‘spark’ with someone, they always turn out to be an absolutely horrible person! I believe this ‘spark’ (for me at least) is when my subconscious recognises someone as a similar energy being to one of my parents or my brother. Someone on another forum said I need to learn to differentiate between being physically attracted to someone and attracted to them because they trigger my unmet childhood needs, if that makes sense. Apparently the feeling is slightly different. A small part of me wants to line up several dates to do an experiment with it but obviously I won’t do that lol, but when I am ready to date again I’m really going to try to tune into how I feel and see if I can spot the people that trigger the unmet need vs those who are both attractive and good people.

I remember dates in the past where the man was both good looking and seemed like a good person but I just felt nothing for them so stopped seeing them. I thought the spark was necessary but I’m not wondering if the spark is something to run away FROM rather than to if you come from a dysfunctional family. I feel a bit gutted now as these men were both handsome and lovely! I guess I have to just let the universe run it’s course and hope one day I meet a good (and handsome) non-abusive man.

Serenity I noticed you got cut off halfway through your sentence, I’m glad you came back! I think I need to read more about self parenting and self partnering. I seem to be experiencing a lot of mourning/grief at the moment and I’m trying to just let the feelings happen and cry if I need to. It feels very annoying and frustrating knowing he is probably off sleeping with goodness knows who and setting up new relationship(s) with all his lies and charm while I am alone and confused and suffering, what destruction these men cause. At least when I heal, I have the opportunity for love, which he will never have given that he seems incapable of treating another human with respect and kindness. It still hurts remembering how he was at the beginning. Looking forward to the day it doesn’t hurt anymore.

[Christine]

Hi I can so relate to this with families and unhealthy behaviours. For instance, my parents continually interfere with my parenting and undermine me. It has affected my relationship with my daughter. They abuse me. I get angry. My daughter sees me as problem. If I try to set boundaries with my daughter they come to my house, pick her up and she sleeps there!!! They bought her a phone when she was ten without asking me. When I said about them asking me they replied, why do we have to ask u. Anyway when I confronted my mother again about their interference, this time she told me that maybe I needed to look at myself and change , let go of the past and that they do it so she isn’t as damaged as I am. When I said what do u mean damage d she turned it back onto me and said, well I’m agreeing with u. This is because I have said they are bad parents but obviously she has twisted that to put focus on me as bad person….as usual. My father told me on one occasions when I challenged him that I should get out of his house, he practically threw me out,told me not to go back and said when I looked in the mirror, the person looking back at me is my problem. When I was younger I was so scared of my dad. He was so angry, a bully. I couldn’t ever answer back and my mother wud tell me to just keep quiet. He wouldn’t shout or call my siblings names, only me and my younger sister ignores me and behaves like my parents to towards me. When I take my children to visit my father doesn’t speak to me and neither does my sister. Its hard cos my kids ask to go and I’m a single parent with abusive ex’s so where do I get help from?? I have a babysitter but can o my afford so much. I am just setting boundaries with my ex and he is responding by not communicating basically as I only wish to talk by text. He was sleeping with me up until October last year and still being suggestive into new year…then said he was dating, then he wasn’t….then I noticed he had stayed out, we live very close. I asked and he said he was seeing someone but it was none of my business, even tho he wud try to feel my bum before this started. He wud do that and then say he didn’t want to be with me….but wud sleep with me and do stuff for me….it was soul destroying. So I put boundaries in and decided I needed to protect my heart and move on. He tried to get it back to his its best for him, regardless of how he has messed me about, but I should just be friends apparently. I have kept boundaries and
now he’s not communicating. I only ever contact regarding our daughter. Part of boundaries I set myself. I find it hard feeling rejected and unloved by the people u look yo for love and support, the very people u wud think wud be there for you are actually hurting you….my mother makes me feel bad and has always said if someone treated me badly then her question wud always be…’ What did you do’…say no more.

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