Do I deserve a healthy relationship?

[Starmoon]

I wouldn’t know what a healthy normal relationship if it bit me on the a**… which is odd because my parents are still together and neither are abusive… they love each other, they argue but resolve and are tolerant of each other… my biggest dilemma is wondering if I’m the toxic one… if I am- then I’m certainly not deserving of a happy relationship and will never get it. My ex continuously told me that no matter who I meet- I’ll always encounter the same issues because I’m the problem. I’ve tried so hard to change but I just seem to keep falling and ending up back where I started without being able to see where I’ve gone so wrong

[KIP.]

Stop listening to your ex. His voice is toxic and full of lies. Lies to wear down your self esteem. Lies to keep you trapped. Where you are going wrong is having any contact with him at all. You are not the toxic one. You were fine before you met him and can work back to that healthy place. It’s his toxic unhealthy influence dragging you down. Given time and no contact you will see that x are you receiving counselling? Reality for me was something I questioned daily and it took a long time to rewire my thought process but I got there. Takes time. Meantime be kind to yourself x

[Starmoon]

Thank you for your reply… I wasn’t fine before I met him thought. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and have a long list of other failed relationships. Other than my daughters dad (who I chose to walk away from) I’ve always felt heart broken and that I’m to blame for the relationship ending. The more it’s happened, the more it’s compounded my belief that there must be something wrong with me. With him I was so determined to give everything I possibly could and to be the best partner I could be… but it had the same outcome. I just can’t change. I truly wish I could

[KIP.]

You don’t need to change. Stop thinking this way. You were strong enough to walk away from a relationship before. That took strength. I remember some of your posts and your ex is a disgusting manipulative violent man that no one could ever make happy. By trying to change yourself you’re deflecting from his behaviour. I tried so hard for decades to make my husband happy. He would simply change the goal posts. Leaving me confused and depressed. It was never about his happiness, it was about him abusing me to make himself feel good. Dysfunctional behaviour. That’s where a good counsellor can explain this to,you and help you work through this crazy making behaviour. We can be our own worst enemy at times. X

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Starmoon,

I often feel the same as you, I also have a string of failed relationships and often feel like the problem is me. I always get this bad feeling that it’s not right or that I can’t love them and cry a lot and have to end it. However, I don’t regret leaving any of these men because in hindsight I realised that most of them were not good people and had been showing early warning signs of controlling, abusive behaviour so maybe the bad feeling was just my gut’s way of helping me out.

Have you had any therapy for this? Or been on the freedom programme/power to change course? I’m signed up for therapy to get to the bottom of any issues I might have, I think for me it was because I was bullied as a child and have low confidence and low self esteem as a result which I think repels healthy men and attracts the predatory controlling types. I think once we start to put ourselves first, increase our self care and get to a better place we are more likely to attract the kinds of men who are kind and respectful and therefore be more likely to have a successful, healthy relationship.

P.S You definitely do deserve a healthy relationship, and anyone who says that you don’t (like your ex) is someone you don’t need to listen to.

[Starmoon]

Thank you again for your reply. (detail removed by Moderator) we had a long persiod of time no contact and I also had some counseling (although with the nhs it’s limited) it helped me to see to an extent that I can’t always take responsibility and I need to validate my own feelings. But I suppose some of what I learned was undone because of getting back together with him. When we had couples counseling, I was supposed to drop the past and not judge him based on it… but I dont know if I was… our money issues never changed, he never stuck to his word… so I wasn’t reacting to the past, I was reaching to what Was happening then. I don’t know how normal women are supposed to talk to their partners about money or things they disagreed with because I was always wrong

[Starmoon]

Maybe it really is my fault for making him believe I could change

[Author]

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