12th July 2021 at 10:46 am #128678escape2021Participant
I have been living my partner for over (detail removed by Moderator) years, we have a daughter age (detail removed by Moderator). We have no civil agreement in place. He works full time in a professional capacity and I work part-time having brought our daughter up. Ratio he earns (detail removed by Moderator) times more than me. He has always been controlling. All the bills are in his name, my car in his name and I’m on his insurance He has called me names, made fun of me in front of our daughter. Made comments about my clothes, my body, my family.
He had tried to control every aspect of my life. Recently I told him it was over and I’m waiting for him to pay me out of our joint house. His behaviour has got worse. The first thing he did was split our (detail removed by Moderator) up. Hid the kettle and coffee machine so I can’t make a drink. Stopped me using the credit card so I have to now pay for my own petrol in his car and buy my own food. He now only buys food for himself and our daughter
He makes her breakfast, takes her to school, makes her tea, they eat together and ignore me, watches tv together, does her washing, doing all the chores. My role as a mother had been totally overridden and am ignored by them both. The situation in the house is unbearable. I have tried to talk to my daughter but she doesn’t know what to say and he has now replaced his bullying onto her, I don’t think she dare say no. Suddenly he is buying her clothes, taking her out for meals, teaching her to drive and she is lapping it up. I’ve told her he can’t control me now but will try to control her. All I have said is that our relationship is over – do I really deserve this treatment by them both? Or am I missing something?
12th July 2021 at 5:18 pm #128695ISOPeaceParticipant
Hi there, I’m sorry to hear that you’re having to experience this. It must be so hurtful that he’s trying to turn your daughter against you. No you absolutely don’t deserve it. Sadly, what he’s doing is very typical abuser behaviour. All he really cares about is control. What he’s doing is all about him and what he wants. By saying it’s over, you have taken power back and that is unbearable for him. He is now punishing you and may well be trying to manipulate you into changing your mind. He’s trying to hit you in the place it hurts the most. He’s not simply throwing his toys out of the pram, his behaviour is all about showing you how powerful he is and making you feel weak and powerless.
Your poor daughter is being used as a pawn. Since she’s grown up with this, it will be very difficult for her to see what’s really going on. She’s probably been desperate for he father to love her for years (as any child would) and now appears to be finally doing it she’s sucked in. Like you said, she’s probably also scared of him so she must be feeling incredibly confused.
My ex did some of the things you describe, but my kids are still very young so I don’t have any experience of him turning them against me. Others on the forum will be able to give advice on that.
Reading up on abuse will help make sense of his behaviour. I always recommend Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. He also wrote a book on how to help children who’ve grown up witnessing abuse, which I would also recommend.
Reach out to Women’s Aid too as they can give useful support and advice. Sending love xxxx
13th July 2021 at 12:07 am #128710AurielParticipant
Escape2021, do you deserve this? Short answe ,no, your taking your power back that’s why he’s acting this way it’s not the behaviour of an adult man . Does he deserve to be left, yes, whatever you decide I wish you best 💞
14th July 2021 at 9:46 pm #128826littledoveParticipant
No you do not deserve this and I’m so sorry he’s behaving this way.
As others have said, you’re taking your power back and he can’t stand it, so is using one of the dearest things to you – your daughter.
It’s awful how they use the children. I’ve been there. I managed to get out at the right time. My little one is just a small child. But he did try everything in his power to use my child against me to further his control. I stood my ground for her sake.
You should be so proud with the steps you are making to take your life back. Is there any time you have alone time just you and your daughter when he’s not around? Maybe you could sit her down and really talk to her. Ask her how she is feeling. What you can do to help her and support her. Explain to her what he’s doing is wrong. Tell her you’ll always love and be there for her. Tell her that she doesn’t deserve to be bullied into stuff or feel the need to. Explain to her why you are leaving him, speak to her like she is an adult and not a child.
I know this might not be possible though..
Please contact your local Women’s aid, they have excellent advice and support for when children are involved
Also phone your GP for your mental health side of things
Please know you don’t deserve this one bit and you are doing nothing wrong. You are such a strong and brave woman xx
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