19th February 2021 at 10:38 pm #122004
I’m sorry I feel so bad for posting so many threads and not contributing. I don’t kno if I’m strong enough to get thru anymore of this. I couldn’t even cope with posting on here. The last few weeks have been really difficult and I feel so alone and frightened. I’m scared of making things worse and them more angry. Don’t kno way out. The refuge want me gone. Feel so uncomfortable but it’s too far from home anyway. I can’t cope being so far permanently. I was told by a housing place transfer refuges to be nearer home but someone else I spoke to today said I may not get another one after being in this one so long. I don’t kno what ti do. I’ve tried to speak to my key worker but they said she was too busy today. I think she’s angry with me after I was upset about something. I felt forced to something they kno terrifies me as it felt so much like my ex. I felt like I can’t trust anyone. I said sorry for being upset but she’s angry. I’m scared I’ve made everything worse by coming here. My ex is angry and so is my landlord. I’ve only just got myself on housing lists but time in refuge is ending. Don’t kno if I should just go home. I’m not coping here. Want to be at home but scared he’ll turn up and attack me or make me homeless. He’s unpredictable and likes to wait until u don’t expect it. I started calling places for help at 12.30 and it’s now gone 10pm and got nowhere. Everywhere tries to get rid. Housing places want to speak to support worker but she’s too busy to speak and other ones either not answering the phone at all or tell me to fill in online but it says it takes days to contact u after. Shall I go home and try to get help from there? I feel desperate to go back but what if I can’t get help before he does something? What if I’m panicking for nothing and he won’t do anything.i don’t want to go thru anymore of this. Terrified of trusting anyone again.
19th February 2021 at 11:23 pm #122007HopefulwishesParticipant
Please don’t go back if it isn’t going to be safe for you. I was on housing list and high priority and it didn’t take long at all. Is there a friend or some family you could maybe stay with?
I’m sorry I can’t be much help but just know you will get through this. Your are strong and brave. Big hugs from me.
20th February 2021 at 1:29 pm #122032gettingtiredParticipant
Hey Fluffyclouds, you don’t need to feel guilty for not contributing to other posts. It’s not easy to do when you’re already struggling yourself and you need to put you first.
You’ve done so well and I’d really be cautious about going back unless there’s something in place meaning he can’t return. The fact you’ve said he’s unpredictable and likes to strike when you’re not expecting it is worrying. Your gut instinct is telling you he’s dangerous so you must listen to that.
I know it’s easy for others to say but like I said you’ve done so well and been so strong so please don’t give up 💕
20th February 2021 at 5:16 pm #122048
I’m sorry I can’t even post properly right now m I’m sorry sorry cos really grateful for the replies.
Feeling so frightened and feel sick. Can’t sleep or eat. Don’t see a way out. It’s all so much worse. I’ve left everything in a mess and now so much worse than if hadn’t left. It’s my fault for betraying him. I’ve lost everything. So scared. Git nowhere to move on to
My time in refuge run out and want to go home. Can’t cope and too far away but nowhere to go so have to go home. Miss home so much but really frightened. I’ll just be waiting for him to do something. He may never do anything but I don’t kno. I don’t kno if I can get anywhere else now I’ve already had time in one refuge. So frightened. Want to go back in time and be at home but cos I left, it’s all a mess at home. Scared won’t get any support or anywhere else safe to go in time. Sorry for not replying to messages. Feeling too scared to think or do anything. Panicky and want to leave right now as feel so uncomfortable knowing they don’t want me but so frightened to be back at home. Miss home so much but scared. Sorry everyone. I just feel sick with fear. I’ve gone away, found it all so hard, and now all for nothing as have to go back but in worse position.
20th February 2021 at 7:28 pm #122061HettyParticipant
Don’t give up. You an get through this. When we are scared it’s really hard to think straight. The whole ordeal of leaving and going into the refuge had been traumatic for you. When I first left my ex I was elated, then came racing thoughts and a lot of childhood stuff. I thought I was losing my mind. I was reading into things my family were doing. Suddenly the whole world felt a very scary place.?have you got additional support from mental health services? It’s important to have people around you when you’re feeling so vulnerable. Life won’t always feel this way. There’s always hope. Any mess you are seeing or feeling is a result of your ex abusing you. It’s not your fault. You can rebuild yourself and your life, it’s going to take time and very small steps xx
20th February 2021 at 8:45 pm #122065ISOPeaceParticipant
Fluffyclouds you sound so scared and unsupported. Sending you a big hug!
Fear can keep us really stuck and stop us thinking clearly. It’s so hard to see options and solutions when we’re stuck.
The abuse has conditioned you to think everything’s always your fault and that you don’t have the right to put yourself first. You have huge strength and courage to have left. I know you don’t feel it now but it is there and it will carry you through. You have every right to be free of abuse.
There are local mental health services for abused women. Your local women’s aid should be able to refer you. They might be able to help with all the fear you’re experiencing. And/or a GP could give you some medication. I would normally only suggest medication as an aid while someone is doing CBT or some other therapy but you sounds like you really need some support and I know how debilitating fear can be. Fear tells us we should do something familiar to keep us safe but often that familiar thing is just an illusion of safety.
Make use of the national and local domestic abuse services for support and advice. Stay strong. Sending love and courage. xxxxx
20th February 2021 at 11:43 pm #122086
Thank u so much xx
Feel exhausted. Tired and frightened. Just want to be safe. Need to find more strength to keep going. So tired and scared won’t get help. Nowhere to go except home. Hope can find something on Monday but don’t kno if I can. I’ve already had my time in refuge and don’t kno if allowed more. I hoped I’d be able to leave into my own accomodation but only recently done applications. I don’t kno if i can cope going thru this all over again. Desperate to go home and pretend no problem but so scared about staying there long term. Frightened of travelling in case I get ill but got no choice. Head spinning and no idea when I’ll get to speak to anyone. They said there’s a problem with communication lines so wait for them to contact me when they can after the weekend. Thank u everyone. I’ll try to get some rest and find more strength. Wish this was all over. I’m so stressed about not knowing if I can be safe. Hope u all take care. U all have so much to deal with of ur own problems x*x
21st February 2021 at 2:29 pm #122124LisaMain Moderator
I am sorry to hear how you are feeling, I hope you managed to get some rest last night. Well done for continuing to reach out for support and for posting on here; it is great to see such supportive replies. Hopefully the support you are waiting to hear from will have some options for you. As already suggested in replies from others, lean on the national and local support available as well as your refuge support worker. Local support services can be found here, the Women’s Aid Live Chat is available weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends here and the 24hr National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247.
There is support here for you so do keep posting when you can. Please don’t worry about contributing to other posts, there is no pressure here.
21st February 2021 at 11:40 pm #122150
Thank u so much.
Don’t kno when refuge support worker is free. They didn’t kno and she’s so busy. Don’t kno if I even have one still as they want me gone. I spoke to someone really so nice at the national domestic abuse helpline today. I’ve got to make calls tomorrow. Feeling bit better but scared I won’t get anywhere. Want to go home but scared of risks. Wish it was all over. So exhausted of not being able to relax. Been on edge for years. Hope there’s a way out soon. I want to relax in my own home. Feels like I’ll never have it. Feel like crying thinking about him. He used to say me and him against everyone else. I don’t kno if it was worth losing him.
Don’t kno if I’m being unreasonable or too demanding with the refuge. I don’t want to be and need to kno how to be better person if I go to another one. I find it very hard not knowing if or when I’m having a meeting with support workers. I kno they’re so busy and can’t always speak straight away but I find it very hard waiting for someone to call or visit and not knowing if or when they will. I’ve asked for arranged in advance times. I’ve made them angry about that and feel like maybe I was too demanding. I kno it’s cos they so busy. I don’t kno why I’m like this but it makes me feel very on edge not knowing. It’s worse cos they have keys to let themselves in. They haven’t done it but I feel so scared they will if I miss a call or don’t answer door if asleep. They are not at all like my ex and I kno it’s only cos they’re so busy but it makes me feel the same stress being on edge like I was with him. So anxious about tomorrow. One is coming to speak to me but don’t kno when. I need to try to sleep in case it’s the morning. I’ve asked not for mornings but they can’t fit in around me.
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