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I have had a horrible day today of second party abuse. Basically one of his tactics has been to spread rumours about me and colour the way people view me. I had a really difficult discussion with a friend today and although she is not in touch with him, she is close to people who are and well I know the words she was saying were his………….it was really disturbing. I am now thinking I have to distance myself from her too.
Has any one else stayed in their community after abuse?
Any tips for staying sane?
After today I am seriously considering leaving the area. If I do, do I have to tell him my address? We have a child together and he will get awarded unsupervised contact at some point I a sure. Does he legally have to know where his child lives???
It would be great to just get a PO box and feel a bit more secure.
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I moved far away. I would never have been able to stay where we lived together. All the neighbours were against me.
I think you need to speak to social services, maybe best with a WA rep together. You need to tell them how dangerous the situation is and ask for their advice. This way you cannot be found guilty of not cooperating. When you work with social services and follow their advice nothing can be brought up against you should he go to court over child custody. This is my way of seeing this. I hope more women can advise you. x*x -
You can move wherever you want too in England if you have a good enough reason. The courts will not give out your address at all even if it gets that far so don’t worry about that. If you have been a victim of DV you are entitled to have that secrecy. I would contact Social Services if you haven’t already been in touch with them and NSPCC for some more advice. You can just give him an email address and communicate only from that or if you have a solicitor use their address there is no need to have a PO Box.
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Hiya I Want To Break Free – I think we have spoken before – but maybe not on here – on the old forum I think??!?
Yes we have stayed in the same village – and its OK now but has been tricky at times.
I just wanted to say when I was 6mth out and things were not very good between us (we were not able to talk at that stage) and so I asked his neighbour (my ex neighbour) to act as gobeteen and help is negotiate maintenance.
It ended badly – she maintained she was ‘neutral’ but I had a feeling she was more on his side than mine – and do in the end she showed her true colours and her, and her son and daughter all ganged up against me – I was outnumbered and felt cornered by them all – the 4 of them against me.
They accused me of all kinds (NONE of which were true) they said I was “off my head” (going mad) that I was drinking and taking drugs – and by the end of the evening she even threatened me with calling social services on me and making out I was a bad mum.
All through that evening my ex was silent – he very carefully took no part in all of this – so I literally could not say he had said anything – caused he DIDN’T!!!!
His ‘lovely’ neighbour (removed by moderator) and it is ‘gossip central’ and I just KNOW she will have delighted in smearing my good name and lying about me to whoever (removed by moderator) – it shattered my confidence completely and did not want to be seen out in public – even though there was NO truth in what she was saying about me.
But what I said to myself at the time was – those who know me will know the truth – and know it was lies – and those who believe the lies – well they don’t know me at all.
Anyway what you got to remember is YOU are only ‘news’ for a short time and then some other poor person is the ‘main story’ in time it will all die down and be forgotten about – and do it was.
I know it was her who spread those lies – but what hurt me was the fact that HE stood there and LET HER – he did not stop her or defend me in anyway……
Anyway that’s all been forgotten about by now and those who matter to me knew the truth anyway.
Me and my ex can now talk and discuss things – but to this day I will not talk to the neighbour. Or her son and daughter – I CANT forgive them – they KNOW that was all lies…..?
We ALL still live in the same village – but I have nothing to do with that family – and only speak to my ex when necessary – and so it works OK – the thing was I WSNT to live here and I EONT let ANY of them drive ME out ……
Stay strong – keep posting!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Best wishes M.U.M. x*x
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Hi Mixed up Mum – Yes I am sure we did talk before on the old site ….. I have only just found my way back. My friend is a very good friend, she has really been there for me but she has started mixing with people who mix with him and she is someone who is easily influenced. It shocked me to realise that she was thinking the way she was about me and clearly she has been talking to other the people who mix with him so she is not a “safe” person. It has all come as a bit of a shock.
My ex was violent on a number of occasions but I now realise that psychological abuse was his favourite tactic – he has been subtly harassing me and playing games with me since I left and telling people lies and spreading rumours is what he does. He does it subtly, I am not sure how he does it but I recognised his words coming out of her mouth even through I dont think she has had direct contact with him …. I found it very scary today I was almost too frightened to go out of the house. The world seemed like such a hostile place. I really have not felt like that for months!One of the other things that concerns me is that he has said on many occasions that he has paranoid thoughts. He was very paranoid when I got the Non Mol. The more insight I get into his mind the less safe I feel and moving away might make me safer?
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Hi – I’m sorry your friend has been so easily influenced by your ex – but you do doon realise in our situation who you can and cant trust – and if you really want to keep her as a friend, then you will really have to watch what you say to her – its sad when it ends up like this – but you do know who your REAL friends are……
If you really don’t feel safe to be near him, and if you don’t have any strong ties to the area, then it may be that the answer is to move on – but only if its truely what YOU want.
Good luck and best wishes in whatever you decide to do.
x*x
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HI Hun
Hope u feeling bit better today, do we stay in the same town? I Suppose everyone scenario is different so u have to base your answer on your personal circumstances, i know survivors who have left and who have stayed.Yes if u stay they try to effect u mentally, they will get people against u , talk about u, it wont be easy but that’s there aim, i would avoid talking to this so call closed friend, u say she very close to you, yet she is indirectly passing a message on to u through ex friends, sorry to say but clearly she doesn’t understand abuse and has been taken in with words of others. Speaking up about abuse is hard, yet so many people who claim to be our family and friends don’t understand it and will say in appropriate comments again due to lack if understanding, i tend to keep away from people like this and put it down to they don’t understand and i’m not gonna waste energy trying to get them to understand , it happened, u experienced it and u got out and now its about your recovery, they can keep there opinions to themselves, and if u do choose to keep contact with this friend if she mention again, say i’d rather not discuss and dont want to be informed of what they say or think .
If u feel it wont effect your safety then stay in same town, i always fear my ex and his family and ex wouldn’t leave me alone, ex family after 10 months started reducing contact with me, but any contact did unbalance me , the fact that they indirectly didnt say anything after 10 month but still wouldn’t let me move on by making appropriate comments like oh he came to your house at 11pm and u wasnt in , none of our buisness but he said u was clubbing ,its upto if u do, we just working out if his lying about u, comments like this left me justifying myself, was at cinema with my kids and its none of your business, my ex family got the whole community to stop talking to me , pathethic actions like that at begining i said im not bothered dont talk then to me,but in end it did really hurt me and wear me down so as i originally had agree, after a year i moved town , that was my story i couldnt even take a non mol against him, i dont know why, guilt ,love who knows? Do u have to tell him where u move , well no, im not sure how old your kids r , speak with social services, nspcc, womens aid get advise, mine were teenagers youngest choose not to have no contact and eldest was on and off with contact,i couldnt stop his contact but i didnt tell where i was moving, i told s s i feared ex and his family , if kids want contatc it can be over phone but not direct with me, they just accepted, tried to contact ex about how he felt but ex chose not to speak with them ,worked better for me, u do feel guilt but u have to think of yourselves, i was same when i left should i tell ex or not ,ladies advised me too, not to tell him
good luck in whatever u decide and post as much as needed
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Hi Thanks Confused 123. I have been “out of the relationship” for quite come time although court proceedings rumble on. I have lost so many so called friends through this as I have distanced myself from mutual friends etc. Did try and keep them and be boundaried etc but it did not work and I kept getting triggered by things they said. Made me feel ill. I have lots of friends locally but not all that local when you have work and school pick ups etc we can’t see each other that often.
I thought my friendships were settling down and I knew who I could trust etc. He has spread rumours and told lies but by now I thought those that know me, know they are not true and my circle was tight. So it has come as a rude awakening that my friend started spouting his rubbish. How many more friends will I have to loose to be free from abuse? He seems to have an active camping to alienate as many people from me as possible. (nothing I can prove but I know what he is doing)
You dont need many close friends just a few but I am now feeling very isolated and not knowing what to do. He has cut me off from my religious community too. I need to widen my circle but it seems hard to meet new people when I am going through all this. I guess I am just wondering what ties me to the area, even though I have lived here for many years.
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