Do I keep hiding my new relationship?

[Fallingleaves]

Hi everyone
Just after some advice or thoughts if anyones been in similar situation. Been separated (detail removed by Moderator) years now, children involved. He has been calm, agreeable and easy to deal with for over a year now (I know these things go in cycles)
I have a new relationship with a stable, loving, kind and understanding person. Ex was aware of this person in my life and has threatened me and him (indirectly) before. Since then I have kept him completely separated from my life in terms of children/mutual friends etc but I’m just getting a bit frustrated with it. Some of my friends just say things like “come on, he has to just deal with the fact you’re with someone new” and think I should be able to have him around the children etc. But I’m just sure my ex would become abusive and threatening again if I did that.
I hate feeling like he is still controlling my life but I’m also desperate for everything to just be ok so I’m still trying to keep him sweet and avoid any confrontation.
My new partner is so understanding but I know he feels left out of being part of my life, he’s never put any pressure on me, but I still feel like I’m living a lie and being dishonest, which is all a bit “triggering” since I lived life like that for a very very long time before I left my ex.

Just wanted to vent to people who might understand where I’m coming from and have any magical wave a wand advice for me haha.

Thank you

[Scarecrow]

Hi Fallingleaves,

I wish, more than anything, that i had a magic wand that could fix it all for you, but i sadly don’t. I have been in your shoes and I have kept my relationship as separate from my ex as possible, which has caused issues as my partner felt like a dirty secret. He doesn’t understand the reasons that i wanted to keep them apart. I would say that your ex kicking off and your subsequent reaction of keeping them miles apart is just him continuing to abuse you. You are changing your behaviour so that you keep getting the positive side of him. He is still in some form of control as you are changing what you want to do in order to keep him appeased. Its terrifying to even think about going against what you have always done, but i think it is time to consider doing just that. You will have the support of your new partner now as well. Things can still be done slowly and at your own pace.

Just a thought, love and hugs,

Scarecrow

[Fallingleaves]

Hi Scarecrow
Sorry it’s such a late reply but just wanted to say thank you so much for your reply. It was so supportive and helpful and you seem to understand completely.
I’m still hiding it away but trying to be a little more brave about the possibility of not hiding it anymore. Just desperately don’t want to rock the boat.
you’re absolutely right when you say it’s a form of control, and that’s the bit that bothers me. I also STILL feel guilty and worry about the hurt and jealousy it will cause him, after all this time I wish I could just put myself and my own feelings first!
Thanks again
x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Fallingleaves

Has he previously made in/direct threats against him/you as a result of your relationship, has any of this been reported to the police as part of your abuse situation?

If it has, I would let the police know that you have, through fear been hiding your relationship and its negatively impacting both of you, and you are now going to ‘come out’. This will appraise them of the current situation and your reasons, and will forewarn of potential issues.

You should be free to do this, to enjoy your new relationship, and not be continually dogged by your crazed ex., but keep in mind the very real potential additional risk to you all, which is why you have lived in fear of this.

Once the police know, if anything happens, you dial 999 immediately and get him removed, or report any new threats.

You are free to live your life as you choose providing its not harming anyone, so go forward with grace and confidence and live your best life, you and your children deserve this.

warmest wishes

ts

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