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I’m not sure I should be on here. I am because a relationship counsellor – and the Women’s Aid person I emailed – said my partner’s behaviour was emotionally abusive. Still getting my head around it. After years of him telling me I’m over-emotional and melodramatic it’s hard to be strong.
He doesn’t hit me or the kids. It’s his moods and his anger. It used to be directed just at me, but now it’s at our oldest too. She says she’s scared of him. And when he tells them off, it’s hard to know if he’s going to really explode or not. It means we all tiptoe around him and sometimes he doesn’t even have to say something – we just do what we know he wants us to do so there’s no shouting.
A few days ago I had to leave him with our youngest at a party. He was drinking. I asked him to take it easy, but he came home really late with her absolutely drunk. He was apologetic the next day but I can’t get over him doing that to our child. The kids were both really upset by it.
He does that thing of denying anything has happened – or that he’s shouted. And he blames the kids. He never accepts he over-reacted.
After we argued the other night (when he accused me of ‘ganging up’ on him with the kids…) I wrote him an email asking for him to try and understand how the kids feel so we can sort all this. But he hasn’t even acknowledged it. I know he’s seen it. But what I said doesn’t even merit his attention. It’s a weird form of control – like he decides what my reality is.
Today the reality is he’s in a good mood. So I feel crazy for being sad and for being on here. But I know it won’t last. And I don’t know what to do.
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Hello, what you need to do is educate yours of on the dynamics of abuse. Google the cycle of abuse. Gas lighting. Abusers make us feel we are going crazy. Most of all listen to your child. No child should be scared of a parent. My ex rarely was physically violent because he didn’t have to be. The threat of violence was enough to keep me in my place. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Keep reading other posts on here, unfortunately these abuser use the same tactics so you will recognise his behaviour in other posts. Don’t listen to a word he says. It’s all lied. I was told I was too sensitive. Or he was just joking. They say these things to take the spotlight off their own behaviour. Jeckyl and Hyde behaviour. He’s being nice now because he knows he’s gone too far so he will now pretend to be nice and reasonable causing further confusion.
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Omg I relate to everything! It’s me, it’s my life. His moods, anger, “frustrations” my son and I never knowing minute to minute what he’ll be like. Walking on eggshells should be an Olympic sport, it takes such focus, skill and finesse. I usually breathe a sigh of relief to utter silence. The tension in the air is unmistakable but at least he’s nit telling or blaming Me for something.
Usually after a really bad situation he’ll make me tea and he’s suuuuper nice, for a very brief moment. He takes NO responsibility, he never acknowledges he was wrong about anything. Just acts like nothing is or ever was wrong. I live with Jekyl and Hyde. -
Wanted to say hi and that you are in the right place. I recognise a lot of what you have written in how my ex behaved and how my Dad behaved before he died.
As KIP and Goggleyes say it is abuse. The bruises and injuries are to your mind and soul and that of your children. Much harder to see, but just as real and painful. -
Thank you everyone. It is SO good to be heard.
KIP – I reckon you’re quite right. He was really bad the other day, then had a quiet couple of days (including hiding upstairs yesterday – he literally didn’t get up until 11, then disappeared back upstairs at every opportunity) and now today is quiet, but super nice.
It’s true that I recognise things about my situation in other people’s posts – and I can see they are in abusive situations. That whole thing about it not being about what you do, how you can’t prevent them getting mad – because it’s not actually about you, it’s about them and control. And when I have talked about breaking up he says ‘don’t be silly’ – yeah cos it’s so good. He even told me what a close family we were the other day. I nearly laughed in his face.
Thank you again. I’m so glad I’ve found you all.
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