Do I report historical abuse to the police ?

[Canttakethesky]

Hi
I was in an abusive relationship years ago and we have a child together.

(detail removed by Moderator)

I have been really struggling as during reinstated contact I had to see my ex regularly and his now wife would stand outside my door screaming and shouting , my ex regularly calls me names via (detail removed by Moderator),
Social services arent helpful (detail removed by Moderator) and ignoring reports from the school , myself and several members of my family with concerns.

I had never reported any of the emotional abuse to me ( and my other children ) as to be honest because he never hit me didnt consider it abuse .
(detail removed by Moderator)
My other children are now adults and can give witness statements if necesary.

He attacked my niece throwing her on (detail removed by Moderator). witnessed by me and (detail removed by Moderator).
there is a laundry list of controlling behaviour towards me , if i didnt comply he would verbally attack my kids .

advice please , should i report it ? or am i going to get ripped apart because i cant give exact dates etc and i havent previously reported it …

i just asked him to leave and tolerated the stuff he does , including (detail removed by Moderator).

I have been assessed for counselling and the counsellor has suggested reporting it all to the police and I am in two minds whether i will be taken seriously

any advice and guidance would be appreciated

[Hereforhelp]

Hey lovely, I didn’t want to read and run x

I think it is a personal choice as to reporting. It was described to me as telling my truth and not to worry about the outcome as it can be cathartic to tell your truth. I am also considering doing the same, mainly about Sexual assault from my husband and rape.. if I am honest I am still not ready as going through divorce stage now and I cannot take anymore…. for now, we were together for many many years and I also cannot remember all dates.

What I did do….

I went to the police once I got him out the house. I spoke to a DA trained officer, I told him about the SA, DA. They recorded the meeting in case I decided to press charges in the future.

They asked me to come in and do another interview with my ISVA (again, in case I pressed charges in the future), however that was the more detailed interview and I declined… for now.

I want my ex to be held a accountable for what he has done. Yours is continuing after all this time, I am so sorry he is doing this and you are not being supported as you should be.

Keep posting ❤️

[Twisted Sister]

yes, very differing responses dependent upon where you go/who you see in each police force.

You have been well supported and treated sensitively. I think its imperative to a woman’s resilience to be prepared that she might not be heard, or understood well. I had an awful experience, so it is worth bearing in mind to know that not all understand, make an initial enquiry perhaps and see what is offered to you going forward Canttakethesky

[Marmalade]

Sorry you had the same sort of awful experience as me Twisted Sister.
It changed my perception of police for ever.
I totally agree with needing resilience if reporting.
Hope you are ok

[Needtoclarify]

I tend to agree with here for help, you should tell your truth and he shouldn’t still be allowed to behave like this. He’s a bully and the best way to deal with bullies is smto stand up to them.

The police take abuse very seriously and in recent years there has been a lot of funding and training throughout the police services to better support and understand DA victims. I don’t think they will dismiss your report given you have so many witnesses and the fact you have also flagged with social services should strengthen it.

If anything, it will let him know and send the message he cannot get away with it and you are stronger and not under his control living in fear anymore.

Best wishes xx

[Marmalade]

I would be so very careful here. I don’t know how long ago this was and there is a time limit on reporting common assault.
With cases of emotional abuse and control, they are hard to prove generally. What would you want to achieve? Would it make your current situation worse as increase tensions?
Some ladies on here have had very positive experiences of the police. You could feel empowered by saying what has happened, and even if nothing transpires, at least it’s recorded so if a woman in future reports him, then there is a record of previous behaviour.
But and it’s a big but, some police forces are different to others. It’s pure luck which area you live in. You have to be prepared for not being listened to and dismissed. If that would majorly affect you then maybe not worth it.
I was naive. I reported. I had a rose tinted spectacle view of police. I also was confident of my evidence. I have had a really bad experience, disbelieved, treated with contempt and unbelievable levels of incompetence. It is not something I would ever do again.
If there is an emergency situation the police can be great. If reporting after the event then the response you get will be very varied.

[Shura]

yes yes and yes. you report everything. ask to speak to a police officer whos trained in DA. even if you wont press charges all of it will be filed. have done it myself, i slipped once and told him that ive shown all the photos of physical abuse, threatening messages, suicide messages and everything i had. i had history to show backdated to years and years back. once he learned that he stepped away. hed always say that i dont have the guts to speak to anyone and noone would believe me anyway cos im crazy and i have no proof. Guess what, someone did believe me and seen all the little proofi still have. he thinks hes smart and now the abuse is more sophisticated if i can say so. No more name calling directly but digs and most of the time through our daughter but ive learned to recognize it and call him out straight away. i take videos when hes around and hes a completely different person then. keeps himself together but the facial expressions tell me hes livid and the blood is boiling. most likely your ex will never change but you can change the approach, you can keep yourself safe and do whats best for you
Keep safe and dont let them push you in to the corner again. Youve been there when you was with him but youre no longer there and never have to be again x*x

[Hopefulgreyrock]

I think if you can you should. I went to the police recently. I just wanted it recorded thay this man was a nasty, dangerous man. I was too scared to let the police contact him. I know full well he was the same in his previous relationships, definitely his marriage. But there was nothing on him like that. Know one had come forward. And i totally get why. But the reason I say for you to is jusy incase a woman goes to the police about in the future. It might help a woman in the future. I is this strong fur instinct the I should go to the police. Not necessarily for me but maybe to helo out a woman in the future. The police were amazing with it all. So helpful friendly, I felt safe. Assured me they wouldn’t contact him. Just go with your gut i think on this one.

[Footballfan1]

Hi,
Report it.
I had a long history of abuse I never reported, including 1 physical assault.
Once I finally did, the police were very good logging it.
They said it will stay there now even if I do not pursue the charges.
Once you have it logged, every time your ex or his wife verbally abuses you etc, log it to 101 with your old crime number.
It will be one big incident then ongoing.
(detail removed by Moderator)
Stay strong, tell them you have witnesses that are willing to provide statements

[Author]

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