Do I stay put or move out of town? (Abusers live in the same city as me.)

[Lilycat]

Hi everyone,

I’m trying to get on with my life, but have to avoid certain places in my home city, as I want to avoid my abusers. Also, I am triggered by being in places where they went with me when we were a ‘family’. Moreover, as I noted in another post, the more psychotic of the two abusers had recently taken a job only (detail removed by Moderator) minutes walk away from where I live. I feel psychologically trapped and in fear, although I feel I should just be brave and carry on with my life, regardless.

I have a good job in the city, so will always need to go to the city centre until I decide to uproot completely and move to another city entirely, which is a 5-10 year consideration. For now, as my job is a high-pressure and long-houred one, I need a city pad and can’t be travelling large distances. The little free time that I have is precious, and I feel I can’t be doing with existing in a place that has bad memories and where I have to look over my shoulder all the time.

Have any of you experienced this? Does hypervigilance go after a while? I have never been hit by my abusers, but they’re are psychologically manipulative and I and the DV workers that I have spoken to suspect an element of stalking.

Thanks and kindest wishes to all of you

Lilycat x

[Ayanna]

I moved to a different end of the city. I also work in the city centre. I am far away from him. I cannot go to the places where we were together. Bumping into him is dangerous as he carries a knife. I have to miss out on a lot of things just to stay safe. Moving somewhere completely different will be an option in a few years. I do not want to live with this fear for the rest of my life.

[Lilycat]

Hi Ayanna,

You are courageous to be still in the same city. I wish you happiness and safety in your day-to-day life.

I might adopt the same approach as you, which is an eventual exit plan. My abusers know where I live. But after I get a divorce and there is no need for more correspondence between us, I will probably move address within the same city and get a ‘PO Box’ address for anonymity. After a few years I would love to leave.

Be well

Lilycat x

[Courage]

I’m weighing this up at the moment. Ex lives just round the corner and knows my daily movements. But all my family and support network are here and I would have to up root the kids. I would hate to move but like you feel hyper vigilant all the time and its exhausting!

[Hopesprings]

This is something I ask myself quite a lot.

I too have to avoid certain places. I don’t really want to move and for the most part recently haven’t really cared about the fact he has to exist in the same world as me so to speak.

I guess tone will tell, you’ll do what feels right for you at the time 🙂 x

[Hopesprings]

Time not tone!

[Serenity]

I am lucky that my ex chose to become a ‘rural hermit’ and has gone to live quite a way from me.

However, I had to attend a work meeting this week in the town near him, and tonight I went out to an event which he may have liked, and when I arrived I found myself scanning the room, checking he wasn’t there.

I can understand women wanting to leave the area. When he was harassing me, and when he ups his abuse now, I sometimes find myself dreaming of the same.

[Lilycat]

Hi Ladies,

If you are feeling isolated and hemmed-in by having to look over your shoulder, think of a calm place that your abusers wouldn’t want to go to, but you don’t mind going to. This space won’t give you permanent peace, but it will allow you peace of mind for at least a few hours.

I practice certain sports and, when I treat myself, I eat out in places that my abusers wouldn’t like.

Wishing you safety and calm

Lilycat x

[Author]

Posts