Do the children resent me?

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Yesterday my youngest child wanted to tell me something and have a chat. I drove over to his Dad’s. Picked him up and we went back to mine. He told me how life was really difficult for him right now. All I do is cry whenever he comes to stay with me and I complain about Dad. I guess I vent when they ask me stuff and I don’t know the answer because their Dad won’t communicate with me at all. I can’t get him to respond to emails about our children’s wellbeing etc. (detail removed by moderator)

My eldest shouted at me continuously because I wanted to take (detail removed by moderator) It was a gift my Mum gave me as a child but my eldest kept yelling it would be stealing incredibly loudly so the neighbours could hear. I was so upset I had to get back in my car. My husband has never allowed me to pick up all my things from our house.

My husband never mentions me, yo the point that I don’t exist. I complain about him not communicating with me I am the one the children are fed up and cross with. (detail removed by moderator)

I moved out, wuthin weeks, someone went into the back of my car, me and my colleagues experienced bullying at work, I injured my knee and I now can’t go on long walks… I have an MRI soon. I have mould growing on my walls that I can’t fix. Every month I go overdrawn and my poor Mum gives me some money to help me out.

I’m really struggling again and I can’t see any of this getting better. My ‘now’ partner lives a long way away – I don’t think it’s going anywhere because he won’t move… I feel lonely.

The chat with my son yesterday really upset me. I explained to my counsellor that it sometimes felt like the children only visit me when they get something in return… and now it seems they don’t even want to visit me. I feel utterly worthless.

[browneyedmum]

I had a not so great chat with one of my children recently too that has me feeling a bit low.

My child is too young to understand the dynamics under the surface between me and her dad calling it quits.

That child tries to interject themselves in on-going matters, which is not that child’s responsibility at all… and I need to do some more thinking about what to do when that child next does that, to just stop it in its tracks in an open and caring way (soliciting advice from you wise women, btw!)

At the end of the conversation though, I did let that child know that in any relationship or marriage, I should feel loved, I should feel respected, and I should feel safe and I have not had that from their dad in a very long time. That child was in agreement with that.

In fact, I came out to this forum and bookmarked this post to remind me. The title of it is, “post separation use of children as weapons” if you want to find it for yourself.

I hope it helps to know that you aren’t alone in feeling that way today xX.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you for responding to me so quickly. I’ve just phoned my elderly Mum and burst into tears when I was really trying to hide it all from her. My children are older. I cannot tell them what their Dad did to make me leave. It was subtle emotional abuse never physical. Thoigh he did push my youngest around a couple of times. We were together a very long time but I cannot use words like abuse around them and I have only ever told them a couple of minor things interestingly these were around importance of respect, feeling valued and happiness. Look after yourself. Thank you.

[browneyedmum]

I had a not so great chat with one of my children this morning too that has me feeling a bit low.

My child is too young to understand the dynamics under the surface between me and her dad calling it quits.

That child tries to interject themselves in on-going matters, which is not that child’s responsibility at all… and I need to do some more thinking about what to do when that child next does that, to just stop it in its tracks in an open and caring way (soliciting advice from you wise women, btw!)

At the end of the conversation though, I did let that child know that in any relationship or marriage, I should feel loved, I should feel respected, and I should feel safe and I have not had that from their dad in a very long time. That child was in agreement with that.

In fact, I came out to this forum and bookmarked this post to remind me:

https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/forums/topic/post-separation-use-of-children-as-weapons/

I hope it helps that you aren’t alone in feeling that way today xX.

[Karisqq]

Hi @browneyedmom and @broadbodiedchaster, I’m sorry that things are hard. I think sometimes kids just can’t understand, like they may feel confused about the breakdown of the family or your departure, but they don’t know how to ask or they got brainwashed by the abuser (if they live with the abuser). It’s very normal to feel unheard and lonely bc of that, since it’s like no one is at your side. Just do your best as a mom, and tried to show your love when it’s possible. You may desperately want your kids’ understanding, but the most important thing is your own well-being, pls take care of yourself, and be patient, it will work out eventually when you believe in hope and yourself! X

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Another (detail removed by moderator) since my post, and I can honestly say I feel strong.  My daughter is now an adult and she has explained to me that her Dad has been saying some a few of the things he used to say to me, to her.  She reminded me of stuff I’d forgotten; (detail removed by moderator) It’s horrid to see he’s doing this to her.  But, we had a lovely open chat where I explained what was happening and that this wasn’t ok. I told her that the chances are she did nothing wrong, but it’s a way that her Dad can feel in control.  She understood this and I told her to never think it is her, if he should do it again.  It was really nice to be able to discuss this.  I made sure I didn’t put her Dad down, I just talked through the ‘dynamics’ of what is happening in such a conversation.  She seemed to understand better that it wasn’t her fault.

[Phenomenon]

Hi broadbodiedchaser,

I am also a mum, not legally… the abuser took my rights away but I am fighting to get my child back. I often worry about my child, worry if they will resent me or wonder why I left. They are too young to understand. Everything you are doing however is the best you can do right now and that is the important thing. When my child is old enough, I will sit with them and explain in more detail, but right now I guess I have to be the “bad guy” in order to ultimately be the “good guy”. Keep remembering though that there is no good and bad, just messed up people in a weird world of chaos and you are doing your best. You are doing what is right for your children in this difficult time. That is the biggest strength.

Our abusers may poison our children similar to how they poisoned us. They may turn everyone you love against us. It is only us that know our truth. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER.

 

Hold on my dear

 

Take care,

Phenomenon xx

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