Do these men sometimes just leave?

[RedStrawberry]

I’ve just read living with a dominator, I found it very interesting. He seemed to have elements of more than one. But he also did some of the nice things in the normal person. One thing that did strike me was the part about how to spot early signs and the liar telling about an ex. He told me very early on that his ex had played mindgames and used sex as a weapon so he left her, he wasn’t married to her and one day he just walked out leaving most of his stuff behind. I was wondering how common this is as he’s done pretty much the same to me after he turned physical except he’s filed divorce papers as we are married. The entire situation has left me very hurt and confused

[Anonymous]

Although I wasn’t married to my ex he was in some long term relationships and he did paint the ex’s as the worst girlfriends in the world & himself as a victim , he too told me he just left everything behind and moved on or walked away . In my case this was not true , when I told my ex to leave and he was removed eventually he made sure he didn’t leave anything behind material wise down to a coat hanger even . I think it depends on the relationship and the person they are with at the time , although they have the tactics and characteristics still in check , some of their relationships they act differently I found . I don’t think at all they just walk away , mainly they leave stuff behind even a small item as a way to get back in again if they need to further down the line for contact . I found my ex to be a very resentful vengeful individual.

[Ariadne]

Hi @RedStrawberry,

It is tricky when we recognise both the more positive and the worst characteristics in someone. I’ve been doing the Freedom programme based on the Living with the Dominator book, and I too am sometimes confused because I could see how my abuser could be so great, but also how he had mixed traits from the different dominator types. How do we see clearly then?
Two things that I started thinking about is how categories are not black and white. If even they show themselves to have mixed traits from the different dominator types! They have to charm you somehow, even if unconsciously. And yes, they can have both good and bad in them. The second thing is that while they may have so many of the things we’re looking for in someone, they also have other traits that make us feel unsafe. And intimacy is only truly possible in a safe space. We don’t have to put up with the bad to have some of the good.

And as for the leaving part, yes, of course, they can. But most of the time they still want some control over you, even if they do leave.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Redstrawverry, living with the Dominater is a helpful book, it is the book which The Freedom programme is based on, have you any support? DA advisor, GP?

My husband also painted a terrible picture of his ex, I have since found out it was all lies, it is common for abusers to lie about their ex partners as it is part of the abuse.

Also, abusers can be so nice. My husband could be so lovely, thoughtful, kind, he was my best friend when it suited him. He was also a master of manipulation, controlled All finances, told me I was mad for decades, pinned our youngest down as a show of strength. What I am saying is they can all be nice and they do know how to behave they chose to be abusive and try different tactics to keep us there.

If you can, get as much support as you can. It sounds like your partner knows the system and is getting in there first. I am so sorry you are going through this. Do not underestimate your partner, get as much support as you can lovely.

Keep posting ❤ there are so may women on this forum who have great advice.

[Hazydayz]

I heard the same stuff about my husband’s ex. She took him for everything he had. He bellie ached about how unfair she was. Imagine how I felt when 3 months after marrying him, he announced everything I owned was half his!

[Twisted Sister]

Hi RedStrawberry

Have you heard of hoovering? Love-bombing? These are just a couple of the ‘nice’ tactics, the things we could view as highly positive, when in fact its all a form of control still. Its shocking to learn, but it is part of their tool-kit as much as the negative and scarey abuse. They wouldn’t want you to be very clear about how awful they are inside, so they ‘play’ these other parts too. There will always be glimpses of who they really are, and its only one incidence of abuse that tells you who they are. If someone hits you, there simply isn’t an excuse for it, one strike you’re out. If someone tries even once to make you feel mad by gaslighting you and denying he said/or did such and such, but you were there and heard and saw it, yet apparently it didn’t happen!

My ex is currently one of the best blokes in the neighbourhood, he has friendly relations with everyone around, knows who everyone is and talks really friendly to them. I have noticed that a lot of these controlling types do this, they even try to contro lthe neighbourhood, need to know what everyone is doing and attain a position of authority in the community. He knew all our neighbours, I would have strangers turn up at the door talking to me like they knew me, I don’t have a problem with strangers at the door per se, but it did become somewhat unnerving after a while when I started to realise the extent of it. Years on, his best friend has told me that he’s like it again where he is now, but even his best mate has seen through his behaviour, and I know for sure that I was right. He moved onto a girl 10 years my junior and just started his ‘nice/nasty’ tactics all over again.

If someone punched you in the face on first meeting they would hardly be welcomed again would they? They have to adopt a mix to get them what they want.

warmest wishes

ts

[RedStrawberry]

Thanks. He is still trying to control now by refusing to wait til no fault comes in in (detail removed by Moderator). He’s desperate to push it through I have no idea why. He’s also blaming me saying it’s on my unreasonable behaviour. It’s so hard to know what was actually genuine and what was just to control and manipulate. We had some really good times together but I think I’ve just blocked out alot of the bad times. I’ve got an appointment with local DA support next month and some very good friends.

[Twisted Sister]

you hit the nail on the head there that you don’t know whats genuine or not, and thats not a relationship. Noone can have a relationship on that basis of never knowing. It means someone is not genuine.

Keep pushing for your needs, and good luck

warmest wishes

ts

[KIP.]

He’s simply repeating the pattern of the previous relationship. He’s now taking on the role of the victim which is very confusing to us because when we hurt someone we apologise and accept accountability but abusers don’t. It’s very confusing to be treated like the aggressor when we are not. So hold onto that truth. If he treats you badly enough like the perpetrator then maybe he will convince himself he is not. Mind blowing dysfunction so don’t think for a minute he will behave like a rational human being. Just concentrate on yourself and getting everything you deserve.

[RedStrawberry]

It’s funny you should mention apologising as he only ever apologised to me once in our whole relationship and I was constantly apologising for I didn’t know what most of the time when he’d had an angry outburst. I’m definitely not sure what’s been genuine the last few months as in my head things were going well I was feeling more confident and I had started to stand up for myself in regards to some of the things he was asking me to do. Guess I’ll never know.

[Author]

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