Do they care about us or not?

[Anonymous]

I know that probably sounds stupid but I can’t get my head around it

My partner drew me in by treating me like a queen, straight off the back of a relationship that ended badly and left me heartbroken.

I never had any reason to believe that he was anything but genuine and actually shy. He has seen the majority of my friends off, controlled me financially, sexually and mentally. It’s all been very subtle, he’s not a complete idiot. He denies there has been any abuse, says that he’s afraid to talk to me now in case I think he’s trying to control me. There has been talk of us separating – or in his words me leaving him – I haven’t said anything about this, it was all him. Done at a time when he knew I couldn’t talk due to the kids and work – possibly in the hope that I would stew on it and hurt.

He was so cold when talking about it and I don’t know where the loving husband has gone. I do wonder if it’s because I know what he’s up to and I’ve called him out on it – I’ve lost my appeal. He doesn’t talk to me unless I talk to him most of the time, there’s no conversation, no romance, no intimacy, his mood swings are insane, he frequently tells me he doesn’t know why he stays a no one in the family loves him etc. He even thinks that I’m getting attention from someone at work but in the same breath tells me he doesn’t think I would cheat!! He also admits that I am the perfect wife and aren’t doing anything wrong.

Can you get emotional whiplash? I don’t know how to take it all and am starting to feel like I’m losing my mind.

I can’t understand if they do love us (in their own way) and just have the need to control us so we are their visions of perfect or if they hate us and that’s why they do it. I don’t feel that he loves me now, he seems very eager to walk away and I wonder if it’s because I’m not giving him the fuel he needs from me anymore as I’m not reacting how he wants me to?

Sorry this is so long, been mulling this over for days xxxxx

[lover of no contact]

No they don’t care about us. They only care about themselves and getting their needs met. They have no empathy. Abusers are selfish, arrogant, grandiose, lazy, entitled, They have an addiction. They are addicted to Power and Control in their relationships with others. Not just with us their partners. They want to be in control in the relationship with their children, their parents, their friends, their work-colleagues. They get their ‘high’ by having power over us, by being able to control us and submit to their will. They view us as ‘prey’. Getting one over us is a game to them. They laugh to themselves at our hurt, distress and worry. We are their ‘drugs’ to them. We give them a ‘high’. Our distress, our confusion , us being duped by their nastynice/(really manipulative)behaviour.

They have no remorse. They think we ‘deserve’ their abuse. They take no responsibilities for their cruel actions, they just blame us instead. They rarely change. They like being the way they are because they get to get what they want. Their behaviour’works’ for them.

Oh and did I mention they are cold and calculating too. And they tell lots of lies. Lying is second nature to them. They use the ‘charm tactic’ to get us into a relationship with them, then they intermittently act loving to keep us in the relationship. These crumbs of niceness get less as the years go by.

We cannot save them or change them. We can only save ourselves and our children by getting out of an abusive relationship wit them.

[Serenity]

Hi Both,

Time to Move on, you are describing the end of my marriage in your post.

Lover of No Contact: you have described very clearly what I feel to be true.

X*x

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Time To, this so much a duplication of my own situation, covert mental/emotional/financial abuse. I am going to bed now so can’t reply until tomorrow. But in the meantime, these books gave me so many lightbulb moments and helped me to understand the craziness and see through the fog. They are immediately available and free to read on Amazon.

30 Covert manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships
(detail removed by Moderator)
Invisible Chains (you will need to buy that but its cheap)

There is another covert manipulation on Amazon but I cannot remember the name.
Take care Time To, us ladies help and support each other and we will help and support you.

HA, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

[Healthyarchive]

Ditto how lonc described it x*x

[Starmoon]

I don’t know if the others have suggested these books but they really helped me to understand… And understanding is helping me a Lott.

[Starmoon]

I don’t know if the others have suggested these books but they really helped me to understand… And understanding is helping me a Lott.
The verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans (detail removed by Moderator) 😗

[Healthyarchive]

I’ve just re read your post, yes this was what I was in. X*X (i’m months out, my thoughts are calm, clear, focussed, i sleep ok and feel fine more of the time.)

[Author]

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