Do they ever change ?

[Chocolatequeen]

I have spent years taking abuse, both mental and physical. The physical stopped about (detailed removed by Moderator) years ago but he is just so angry all the time. Mainly with me. I don’t want to live my life like this but he really will not admit how angry he is. He blames me for moaning all the time. He will only go to the doctors if I go with him. I don’t want to. Is that wrong? My mum and how she will react if I split stops me from doing it. Any advice anyone please? X

[Moonlit Night]

He’s not angry because of you; he’s angry despite of you – his emotions are his responsibility.

Does he need to admit he is angry for it to be true? I’m wondering if yoUr mum knew the truth if that would change her perspective so she could be a support to you.

I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to do something – go to the GP. It’s Ok to say no. If he won’t go without you he’s still not taking responsibility for himself and his reactions.

You say you don’t want to live like this. There is always another way however scary it may be.

[KIP.]

You need support to leave safely. Contact your local womens aid. Read Living With the Dominator by Pat Craven. There is nothing you can do to make this stop. He will simply change the goal post. Your mother may also have the same traits as him. My therapist once said I married my mother. She doesn’t have to put up with his abuse. Gather a support network. Look for a good counsellor and talk to your GP. Get the abuse noted in your file. This is so valuable for your future as these men never go quietly x

[StrongLife]

No I waited for change and it never came. In fact it got worse.

They continue and you end up wasting time and money on them.

Sorry about your situation- please keep safe.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, the social conditions of remaining within a marriage are archaic and remaining in an abusive marriage is something else!
You have rights, help is out there.. I was with mine for some decades, been out over a year.. I never thought I could leave, we have children and I was raised to remain within marriage, divorce felt too overwhelming and life alone without him (as I had become so dependant on him)..
Contact your GP about you and how your husband treats you. Speak to you local womans aid. I spoke to my GP at First and emailed my situation to my local CAB, I found them oth helpful.
I am in my 50’s and yes it is so much better without him in my life! You do deserve a life free from abuse and when ready keep pushing forwards for what you want, not his needs as he is an adult and is responsible for himself and his own actions, non of his behaviours are your fault.
HFH ❤️

[Anonymous]

I’m afraid the answer is no. The only way to improve your life is to tell someone and make a plan to leave, I know it is scary, I was scared too, but you have far more rights than you realise.
The help is there, you just have to make the 1st small step.

[Headspin]

My heart goes out to you and only you can make the decision whether or not to go. No they don’t change, my tolerance for his behaviour is lower than it ever was, I’m stuck with him because I am his carer. How I wish I had left him and not wasted my life.

[Camel]

Well, they do change, but not for the better, as you know. And you won’t get him take responsibility. Ever.

Staying to keep the peace with your mother is interesting. Is her opinion of you really more important to you than your own happiness? Have you always put her feelings first? Are you scared of her? What do you think will happen if you do something she doesn’t agree with? Is that scarier than staying with an abuser?

[GoldenFish]

Tough questions from Camel. It is toigh as it is vut add to that a lack of support fron other trusted famiky members. It bribgs more doubts about ykurself. The abusive behaviour only escalates as rhey tru to stay in cobtrol if you put up any resistance. (detail removed by Moderator)

[Author]

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