Do we have to go everywhere together?

[Fireredfox]

I have recently split from my partner and I’m thinking about certain things. One thing is, did we need to go out everywhere together?

So, before I knew him, I had agreed to go to a (detail removed by Moderator) with my friends who had bought the tickers etc.
When the time came, I was with my then partner. He went mad and was upset I was going without him and said we should go out together everywhere as I couple and was angry I was still going without him. I tried to get him a ticket and I couldn’t. He said I should cancel going if he couldn’t go. He said that he would never to out with friends without me and if I couldn’t go to something then he wouldn’t go. He said from then on, he would go out to parties and weddings without me.

Was I unreasonable to think I should have gone? Because I was organised before I knew him and the we both need to go struggling separately sometimes?

This argument went on for days including him giving me silent treatment for 4 days.

[Cedarlemon]

Hi

I had exactly the same problem with my ex abuser. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere unless he went as well . One time I actually defied (his words not mine) him and went to meet my friend just for a coffee, well you would think I had done something so dreadful. when I got home ,( I was out literally one hour )he went on alarmingly for the rest of the afternoon/night demanding I apologise and wanted to know the exact conversation and who else was in the coffee shop etc . You were definitely not unreasonable. In a normal relationship each partner should have their own interests and meet friends and, yes, of course go out as a couple with their set of friends from time to time. I remember once going to an (detail removed by Moderator) with him and not being allowed to leave his side, even when I went to the toilet he waited outside for me to come out . It was awful , he was like gorilla glue just welded to me. Take care X

[StrongLife]

I did not have this issue.

Silent treatment for 4 days is very controlling and confusing. It is best to talk out issues. Sorry this happened to you and is not appropriate.

Sorry you have experienced this is the past and that you did not have your own space to be yourself.

[Camel]

Hi Fireredfox,

Of course it’s not unreasonable to do things separately. What was unreasonable was his use of bullying and manipulation to coerce you into doing what he wanted. It wasn’t really about going somewhere without you. If you’d invited him before his tantrum he’d have found a reason not to go. And if he had gone with you he’d have created a little drama to spoil things. It was all about control.

[Footballfan1]

My ex was the same.
I never did the going out drinking years because he wouldn’t let me go.
Once I did go out with a friend and ex came to find me and take me home.
It was really embarrassing.

If I popped to the shop, he would say I was gone far to long.
Sometimes he was waiting outside the house for me, looking angry.

He told me it shouldn’t take as long as it does to do an entire food shop.
I only did it once a week, and I dreaded it.
He refused to help me but moaned about how long it would take.
Sometimes he made me take the kids on my own and I tried to explain its easier and quicker without them.

[Author]

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