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… Today he is being pretty much “normal”, with no abusive behaviour really to speak of. On days like this things feel weird, like I dreamt it all, or that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. However, inside, I remember clearly how I felt, what I thought, and how horrible he made me feel with his words and threats. He is acting like nothing happened, and obviously I can’t say anything or it would start up all over again, so we look just like “normal” to the outside world and all the other stuff feels like a bad dream … but I know that it happened and there is massive gaping hole inside where I used to feel love and affection, and now feel confused and empty.
Does anyone else ever get this? xx -
Yes and it was the way he carried on, making his behaviour seem normal and acceptable that was the confusing part. It’s the cycle of abuse. The control he has over you now. Knowing you won’t bring it up because his response will be abuse. Can you see how he is controlling your behaviour. This will escalate and abuse only gets worse x
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I know exactly how you feel. It’s so draining isn’t it, constantly questioning yourself and thinking shall I stay or go? No, I’ll stay it’s fine. Then I’ve had enough I’ll go.
Abcxyz I feel for you. Im here for you, I’m in the same situation. It’s not you, you’re not going mad or over thinking it, his actions aren’t nice and he isn’t treating you as you should be treated. You deserve better.
Keep talking and we’ll get there. Sending love x*x -
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Thank you too. His friend came round and he’s all happy and you wouldn’t know he’s mean or abusive to me. You’d think we were happily married, I feel like I’m living a lie. Do you think you’ll leave? The constant flitting between wanting to stay and leave is making me anxious and ill. I dream of a happy life. Then he makes promises of holidays and we have one booked and I’m looking forward to it but not a reason to stay x
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We go on a family hols (removed by moderator) in a week. I wasn’t going to go, as he was threatening suicide, but now he has calmed down i’ll look like I’m making a fuss if I refuse to go. So …. I keep thinking after the hols i’ll say something, and that i’ll go and see a solicitor to get some advice eafter that … and I keep thinking i’ll see if it happens again (tho I know it will anyway at some point) and then i’ll go. But he will go nuts, everyone says to try and stay in the house etc etc. Feel like I can’t really be myself and don’t want him near me ..keeps saying why don’t you hug/kiss me anymore … when (removed by moderator) ago he was saying that I make him feel so low he wants to kill himself and that he wants to get away from me .. AAARRRGH!!! My thoughts are that i’ll gather all the info on what to do if I need to do anything, gather myself mentally so that I can say I want out when the time is right. If I don’t go nuts by then. What about you? xx
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Hi and hugs xx
This on off abuse is what keeps us questioning ourselves. Write down what he does so you know know that your not going mad and its not your fault.
I stayed for decades because I hid from myself as well as others how bad things were.
Also as time goes on the cycle becomes the norm.
FS xx
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Dear ACBXYZ, have a look at 30 Covert Manipulation Tactics in Personal Relationships, all books by HG Tudor, you may find The Devils Toolkit good right now, plus Covert Emotional Manipulation Exposed, all of these are available to read free on Amazon. There are words that are used such as Intermittent Reinforcement, Gaslighting and Negative Reinforcement and Plausible Deniability. All of these are tactics of emotional abuse. XXXXX
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It’s so reassuring yet also so sad that we’re in the same boat.i too think oh I’ll just get through this and give him one more chance and if it’s the same I’ll go. I wish it was easy to mentally just up and leave. Physically it’s fine, you can find a refuge, family, friends but it’s the getting out mentally.
I had some texts earlier to say he loved me so much and wants to see the old happy me and to stop being negative. He never once said sorry for his put me downs that are causing this.
I go round and round in circles and it’s making me so anxious. He hasn’t said he’d kill himself so I feel for you as that’s really mean of him to emotionally blackmail you. I just get him being defensive and just shutting down whatever I’m trying to say and him making it all about him.
Just take one day at a time and try not to let it consume you. My friend says don’t overthink it, just leave but that’s easier said than done. Reading up on it definitely helps as when they turn nice you remember more clearly what they’ve done is wrong.
Sending hugs. You’ll get through it no matter what happens x*x -
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I constantly feel as if I’m going mad. Finally discussing his behaviour with others who have seen it on & off has made me slowly realise that i’m not. But the Jeckyll and Hyde situation is so mentally draining. From moment to moment you never know which one you’re going to get.
Mine also threatens suicide & often throws himself a ‘pity party’ – i just ignore it now as i know it’s only to try to make me feel bad about sticking up for myself.
He never apologises either.
Sympathetic hugs xoxo -
I know how exactly how you feel unfortunately. Don’t get me wrong, I never think “ok I’m leaving!” But the “should I actually be considering leaving” thought pops into my mind when things are bad. Its a scary thought, I am scared of him. He has never threatened suicide (that must be awful and I have read that is a sign of abuse), he just gets so angry when I don’t do what he wants or when I get some thing wrong, or he speaks to me like a child.
He never apologises ever.
When he comes in from work I always say “Have you had a nice day at work”, he never asks me have I had a nice day or what I have been up to. I can have cleaned the whole house, and he wont comment on anything I have done, he will say “I thought you would of cleaned the …. (fill the blank with anything I forgot to clean that day!). He calls me to him like a child, to have something pointed out to me that I have missed or not cleaned properly. Then he will ask me what I want for tea and cook me something lovely! (well that’s if I don’t argue back or defend myself, if I do he will go around the house looking for any other mistakes I’ve made or things I’ve missed.)
I constantly think I am going mad 🙁 -
I’m with all of you. He has gone out to see some friends (detail removed by Moderator) (I didn’t want to go because I didn’t want to be mocked/bullied) but before he went he sat with me to see if I was ok, did I want to talk, and that he was worried about me. One minute he worries and cares, the next he is talking down to me like a pet or child, ignoring me and mocking me at home and when with others, also pick up on things I haven’t done, or make me feel guilty that I have upset him because I didn’t want to talk. I can’t talk because he makes fun of me when I do. I have sat here howling and crying my eyes out confused as to what the on earth is going on in my mind.
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I’m constantly thinking this to, thinking maybe I am too emotional/stressed/tired etc etc and maybe I exaggerate things. I’ve only recently come across the term gas lighting. I found a script of an example case and it could have been written about my husband, from the words used, the face expressions, the concern. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one going through this but at the same time it’s scary and makes me feel so vulnerable. I had an issue with someone at work yesterday with a male colleague and I didn’t say anything to him and someone said I was a push over. It made me question whether I am and whether I was prior to the years of emotional abuse. What would we be like if we didn’t have to deal with these men and if we were allowed to flourish
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