Do you ever stop feeling afraid?

[SingleMomSurvivor]

I’m no longer with my abusive ex but we have kids together. I have custody of the kids and gets (detail removed by moderator), so for that reason he’s not totally out of my life. Due to some issues that have been going on there’s a chance (detail removed by moderator) and I’m so afraid!! I’m no longer with him & I haven’t spoken to him directly in a very long time but just the thought of having to confront him again(detail removed by moderator) with false allegations against me & lies etc. absolutely terrifies me! Is there ever a time when you stop being afraid of them? Or is that unrealistic given that abusers can be very scary people who have terrorized us so it’s only natural to always be scared of them?

[KIP.]

Yes you do stop being afraid to the point that it affects you. When you understand how the mind of the abuser works it becomes much less scary. Abusers are basically bullies. They’re predictable too. It’s healthy and safe to be wary of the actions of someone who has shown you their true colours. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and contact your local womens aid for support. Find out if you can have a screen in court or a video link. Try not to worry about something that might not happen. I wasted so much energy doing that x

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you for this Kip! I needed to hear this. I do spend time worrying about the what if’s, and pretty much all of those worries are things that won’t happen (such as him being able to take custody of the kids from me). I need to find ways to cut the anxiety off when it starts getting revved up.

[KIP.]

Look at mindfulness. It grounds you in the moment which is where you want to be. Looking back can be depressing and looking forwards can cause anxiety so good grounding techniques. Mindful walking. Relaxation exercises. There are adult colouring books which are a good mindful exercise. Lots online. When your mind is anxious your body follows. Start a good healthy mind regimen.

[Twisted Sister]

There have been times when I’ve worried and as a result been spot on about him, and you probably have too, its a normal response to be fearful of someone who has terrorised you. You have to learn to be safe, and when you are safe the fear can subside. The lengths that you have to go to to be safe will depend on the lengths he is prepared to go to to continue abusing you/putting you at risk.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twisted Sister]

Also, and I totally burnt by court, so please demand they protect you properly, both during the court process so you are physically away from him, but also that any measures they deem fit also take into account any harms to you that any decisions made could have, and I’m not sure that this is sufficiently adopted, in fact I’m pretty sure it mostly isn’t based on my experiences and stories I’ve heard.

Prioritise yourself and your wellbeing, its natural to feel traumatised, and good luck I hope they do a go job for you.

warmest wishes

ts

[SingleMomSurvivor]

I can relate! I’m totally burned out by court & dread the idea of any more court stuff. His behavior makes it pretty much inevitable that I’ll be in and out of court for a very long time. Today I had the thought “how is this my life?” and really just spent a lot of time thinking about how much I regret ever being with him. It’s just made life so very difficult for me in so many ways. Some days are great and then other days like today I remember the abuse and it really affects me. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again.

[Watersprite]

Yes I think you can – It’s really hard when processes are ongoing but in the end they will end. What is different about the good days? What or who are the things places people that make you feel safest? Can you build on them As with all things the answers lie within. On the bad days I remind myself just how far I’ve come. You’ve got this singlemomsurvivor – a true brave survivor x

[Author]

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