do you ever tell the children (age appropriately) whats he done to explain….

[Twisted Sister]

your reactions/roller coaster.

Because of the reactions in me, which are easy for everyone, especially and most importantly your own children, to just say bit mad or difficult to understand, mentally ill, etc, do you say why? so it makes sense to everyone, especiually your own children, or is that wrong? (in a very age appropriate way of course).

KS

[Twisted Sister]

i was accused of protecting him rather than the children, as a result of not saying what he’d done although i did it to protect the children (or so i thought).

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I have touched on it very briefly with my LO. They asked why they don’t have a Daddy when everyone at school does, and so I said that their Daddy isn’t a very nice man and so we don’t see him, LO asked if that meant Daddy doesn’t use his kind-hands, which I confirmed. My LO is still young, but as they get older and begin to ask more question I will explain further – of course age appropriately. I just feel they have a right to know, not only so that they can try to understand why we may react in a certain way or why we feel a certain way, but I strongly believe that if they’re aware of what their father/step-father is like then it can help to protect them in the future if they have to have contact or choose to have contact?

In what way were you accused of protecting him as opposed to the children?

I hope it hasn’t upset you too much lovely <3

[Twisted Sister]

… aw thanks lovely..

by trying to shield them from the cruelty of him and taking them away from the situation so they weren’t exposed to the reality of what he was doing/done.

I’m thinking i might say a few things, just because, as it does or seems to, i am still having memories come back and realisations, but the last thing i want to be accused of is parental alienation, and where do you draw the line. just worried exposing it will cause more trouble.

you are right about it being so important with issues of contact. Doesn’t every mum do this? try to play it down i mean, in order to get children to bed/sleep/out of line of fire, etc. can it just be me?

warmest wishes ks xx

[older lady]

I have told my child that I am not together with her father because he has been domestically abusive in our home. I have told her that as a result of that I can have no confidence in him but that what is important now is whether he can be a good father to her. However, of course, he continues to not be a good father to her and she’s aware of this. He says things she doesn’t like behind my back, he continually demeans me, he turns his back on her (for months at a time) and even when he does see her he has no time for her and is more interested in using his contact with her to harass me and demand attention from me. She’s had to meet him in public places because he can’t be trusted to be in our home. It is very regrettable if the courts would consider my honesty and openness as ‘parental alienation’. In my opinion ‘parental alienation’ is a can of worms, and it prevents a parent from being honest in their communication with their child. Many years ago I read a book about sexual abuse and it said that if you wanted to protect your child from sexual abuse then you should in fact discuss sexual abuse (appropriately, of course) with your child in a way that the child would be aware of their rights to be protected from this. I really believe that it is important to be honest with children and to let them know that they have rights to not be abused but protected from abuse. How can they believe that if we lie about what is happening to us. Its domestic abuse, its very damaging and its a crime. If our child was being bullied at school, what does school advise us to do? We are advised to encourage our child to talk about what is happening, to bring it out into the open and to take it to responsible people for help. We don’t consider this to be alienating one child from another, but an appropriate way to safeguard a child. I prefer bringing everything out into the open, and if people want to fling around ‘theories’ like ‘parental alienation’, I can see why that theory might be useful to them, but I am not going to let it prevent me from raising my child honestly and openly. If a behaviour is abusive it needs identifying as such.

[Twisted Sister]

well said Older lady. I find myself getting the diffference and its a very fine line that who could be accused of parental alienation when a child is crying because their father has threatened them and mum is saying thats wrong to them, and supporting them through their fear with comfort and validation.

what court can say you should not tell your child/ren that intimidation/abuse wrong, as in its not a personal attack on the father, but a reality about anyone generally its just wrong.

I wonder whether to draw the line at sharing personal, i.e. directed at me, rather than children; but i’ve made a step forward and shared in a way that is age appropriate (I think/hope) and comfortable for me.

it feels quite a big move forward, from shutting down and keeping quiet.

thank you

warmest wishes ks xx

[Author]

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