Do you have friends who abuse too?

[iliketea]

I wrote a while back about a friend who had let me down..and it got me thinking about all my friendships past and present. And I realised that quite a lot of friends had also been abusive, and I just put up with it, as I didn’t realise.

I’m the nice friend, the one that always listens, kind, not overly, but I’m nice, I enjoy listening to other people, I’m interested in people, so I listen, I don’t ever force myself or my life on anyone. I wouldn’t ever sit there and just talk about myself, I was told growing up that was a bit rude and self-centred, so that’s how I’ve been ever since, a listening ear, supportive friend.

BUT, I’m also not a pushover, or at least I thought I wasn’t, until reading all these books on abuse, and realising what I had let a lot of people get away with in my life. I’m very relaxed so not that bothered by things. I hate unkindness and injustice so will happily stay up all night fighting my corner about that… I’m definitely not a pushover. SO, I have, in a couple of friendships, said something when I thought they weren’t very nice to me, or did something unkind. I read an article years ago about “toxic friendships” in a womens mag and so sort of knew that this was a thing, but back then it was couched in the “Is SHE the one who only wants to go out drinking but not pick up the pieces the next day?”! sort of thing and didn’t go into any depth. And guess what? These women who had before then called and texted multiple times a day, given me presents, even flowers, remembered birthdays and important anniversaries SUDDENLY turned really nasty. And I never heard from them again. Cut me off completely. Some I tried to ask why, some I was very upset about and have over a period of years, still remembered their birthdays, sent messages on important anniversaries like the deaths of their parents – I’m talking about people I go back decades with, even school. But not one of them ever relented, like I had done THE worse thing to them….

I still don’t truly understand why.

SO, in recent years I stopped doing this and was just very careful about who I chose to be friends with instead. At least I thought I had. Fast forward to this week and that woman from my post…She knows all about what’s been going for me, she’s separated from her husband and has met someone in lockdown online dating and he is “the one”, as a result she hasn’t been around at all, not supportive during a time when it would have been really good to have had a friend. Anyway, she let me down about something…so I said something to her because she was going to practically help me to leave, and I didn’t feel 100% sure whether she was trustworthy. As has happened in the past with friends, she reacted really badly, she apologised with a big BUT and how her life was so wonderfully full with this new man, a new house, amazing job and all this stuff, she just had forgotten to reply for a day, I didnt respond back (even though I was thinking W*F?), I was just boundaried and repeated myself, all this was on text. She didnt reply and that was it.

So I thought, except a week later she sent me another message about how she was thinking of me and how she wished I could be happy?! That really did light a fire under me I have to be honest but I was still polite and just said the same thing, she had let me down, and reacted really badly when I said something. So instead of putting her hands up and going “yes Im sorry I was rubbish” she has now got really nasty, blocked me on social media and completely flipped out…

Am I right in thinking this is abuse, friendship abuse? I think I have real problems with working out relationships. I was shy as a child but did have friends, but stuff happened in my family and I suppose that is the reason. I just can’t believe I have let this happen again, and WHY does it have to come out now, when now is the time when I really could do with a good friend.

Feeling deflated and wondering if I’m going to have the strength to get out of this relationship with my abuser. I don’t want to stay in it that’s for certain but then I’m thinking, is it just me, maybe I should just stay with the devil I know, living this fkn weird soulless blank existence until I die.

[Eggshells]

You know, I was just about to post. I’m not sure that she is abusive as such but certainly, i would say she lacks empathy.

I’ve just had an argument with my sister and now I can’t face her to go downstairs.

I think the problem is that nobody gets this. The only people who get what this is like is people who have been there themselves. I think that’s why we find so much solace on this forum. Our friend and relatives are all wrapped up in their own lives and they have no idea what it is to be completely broken by an abusive man. And even when you are shattered into tiny pieces, the abusive ex still comes back to grind you into the dust. No-body, except us gets it. So they distance themselves. They can’t relate to us; this is incomprehensible to them. So of course we will feel let down. They can’t possibly imagine what it is like to be in this place so they see us as too needy, too sensitive. It is not their problem. It’s to much for them to share the burden.

It’s more of a lack of comprehension I think. If they really understood, they’d be there every step of the way with no strings attached.

[YellowBird]

Eggshells, you’ve put it in a nutshell (almost a pun! :)).
I told my close family about the abuse just recently. Haven’t heard a peep from them since. Yes, they were horrified and shocked to hear about what had been going on behind closed doors. But apparently not horrified or shocked enough to even text asking how I am.
And on the subject of abusive friends- yes, I’ve come to realise that my closest friend is an emotionally manipulative bully. I put up with her behaviour cos I was so conditioned to put up with my abuser’s behaviour. I believe I have a tendency to be attracted to that kind of person, but only until my eyes were opened to their true nature and behaviour. Sad but true…

[Hazydayz]

iliketea, I do know those feelings you shared at the end of this post. Feeling for you 💞

[Wants To Help]

@iliketea – I watched a talk on Ted on Youtube the other day about a lady who was in an abusive relationship. She realises now that what she is looking for in a new relationship is ‘certainty’ – and that in an uncertain world you cannot really expect certainty at all.

However, in an abusive relationship, the one thing she was certain of was that the abuse would continue. To stay with your abuser and remain with the devil you know I guess will give you certainty that this life you have now will be the life you live until you die. Are you certain that is what you will be happy with?

Everything is uncertain right now – not just within abusive relationships but the world in general. Many people are going to have to take risks in order to move on or get by – or survive.

Please don’t let this few days of set backs crush what you are fully capable of, or change the knowledge you have built up and recognised about your relationship. It’s not just our abusers that can knock our confidence and set us back. It can be family, friends, the system, the support services. Sometimes, the only person we can really rely on is ourselves. Stay strong @iliketea, you know you can do this x

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