31st July 2020 at 2:13 pm #111289DiverdiParticipant
Just thinking over the things my OH got upset and shouted at over.
Usually accused of flirting with other men, or neglecting him. (not going into specifics in case too identifiable)
I used to think he was genuinely upset and so even if I didn’t agree I should try to amend my behaviour.
Thinking over it now I wonder. Was he just looking for something to be offended over as an excuse to shout and intimidate me?
One example was when he got upset as the neckline of my top was baggy, and when I bent down dealing with the children apparently it gaped and exposed too much. My thoughts now would be if that was happening first of all shame on other people for using me looking after my kids to take a peek (and my saggy, post-feeding boobs would not be an attractive sight anyway!) and he was there and could have helped with the kids so I wasn’t bending over them rather than wait until after then yell for hours. AT the time I threw the top away and bought a load of vests to wear underneath
What things did other peoples’ abusers pick on?
31st July 2020 at 3:17 pm #111294iliketeaParticipant
No it’s an excuse to exert power and control and get “supply” when they’re running low. The fact they can switch it on and off so quickly is the tell tale sign. Xx
1st August 2020 at 12:19 am #111345CamelParticipant
I had a similar experience with a revealing top. We were speaking to his children on (detail removed by moderator). He embarrassed me during the call, told me I was flashing my cleavage. I was mortified. His implication was that I was acting proactively and sexually to his boys. He was also implying that breasts are just for sex and that he had the final say on when mine could be seen. The worst thing was his belief that his young boys were bound to view me as a sexual entity, not as a ‘mother’ figure. And just for the record, I wouldn’t have been ‘flashing’ anything.
Your bigger question is about whether they are genuinely upset when they lose their temper. Again, in my experience, it’s not real anger. My ex couldn’t possibly have believed I was carrying on with my gay friend who we bumped into (detail removed by moderator). Or with male work colleagues. Or with the guy in the pub who was chatty. Or the singer in my favourite band. He blamed his cheating ex for making him suspicious. He tarred all women with the same brush. Made out his ego was especially fragile. It was all bullsh*t. He accused, I defended. Round and round and round. Always a drama. Never even a hint of truth.
It was all manufactured anger and disappointment.
2nd August 2020 at 1:37 pm #111449DiverdiParticipant
That reminds me of my OH accusing me of flirting with the (detail removed by moderator) when my (detail removed by moderator) labour stalled after (detail removed by moderator) hours pushing and was being taken into theatre for a (detail removed by moderator) delivery!
He checks how many condoms we have left every time he comes back from (detail removed by moderator), and last time got angry because I started taking the pill (detail removed by moderator) before he came home.
I’m thinking I was so busy defending myself against the constant accusations it didn’t give me time or energy to look at his own behaviours.
SO glad I’m out now
2nd August 2020 at 2:52 pm #111458CamelParticipant
Mine made a big fuss when I moved into his house and he found condoms in a drawer. First it was because his boys might see them (shock horror!) Then it was accusations that I’d been w*****g around before I got with him. Of course I got drawn into the old routine of defending myself. He never accepted that my sex life was my business. I became an exceptional liar. If only he knew the half of it!!!!
When he’d moved away for work I found two boxes of condoms in his bedside drawer. Some had been used. When I confronted him it was great to watch him squirm and come up with a ludicrous explanation. On the same visit he told me to ignore gossip I might hear about the woman who lived downstairs. Hilarious! It wasn’t long before I ended it. I wasn’t jealous. If anything I felt pity for any woman having to endure his sweaty attentions and his ugly sex-face 😂
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