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Haven’t been on in a while. Didn’t think he would, but the ex did get back in contact. Seemed a bit different this time than before. He seemed different.
I didn’t take him back. I’m still moving forward. He does want to go back, but I am not the same person any more.
He has started counselling and I wondered if anyone has had any experience where behaviour has improved through counselling? I’m not looking for a reason to take him back. I don’t even feel the same way about him as I thought I did. I’m just interested and I guess concerned about my contact with him and with his future potential partners.
Thanks for reading and stay safe x -
Hello
How completely arrogant of him to contact you, tell you about his counselling, inform you that he wants to try again.
Just when you’re getting yourself together, here he is, forcing himself back in, all entitled, making you listen.
You’re right to be concerned about resuming contact with him. I wonder why you mention contact with future partners though? Do you have children with him? Is there any reason why women in his life would need to speak to you?
Go zero contact from now on. You don’t have to make a big statement, just stop answering his calls and reading his emails. See whether his behaviour changes when he gets no response. Note whether he gets angry, abusive, threatening.
From what I’ve read, counselling for abusers is rarely effective. And for sure, it’s not working in his case. No counsellor would allow contact with the victim. Nor would they allow the abuser to suggest they’re ‘cured’ after a few sessions. Counselling is a process, not a bargaining chip.
Get this man out of your life, once and for all x
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Hi,
I have some experience with this. A long time ago I was in a very abusive relationship. We broke up and got back together partially because he told me that he had started counselling.
In the case of my ex, I dont think he ever did commence counselling. It was a manipulation designed to draw me back in. Of course I dont know your ex but this would be a concern to me, especially as he seems to have brought it up in the context of wanting to get back together.
The Lundy Bancroft book, which I think is pretty seminal, suggests that counselling rarely works for abusers for myriad reasons. And on the rare occasion it does, it has to be provided by a professional experienced in working with abusers – as they are such skilled manipulators and hard to get the truth from.
I’m afraid in my case there was no happy ending: he became more abusive and it ended is the short version. There were some episodes that were frankly terrifying.
I dont know how he treated his future partners; however I did find out that prior to our relationship, my ex had undertaken some form of counselling – and clearly that made no difference to his behaviour. In fact if anything it made it worse, he used therapy-sounding terms to excuse certain abusive behaviours.
I dont know if this helps at all. Good luck x
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No. I’ve been on this site for several years now and never had one that Truly changed. Just changed tactics for a while. Are you even sure he’s having counselling? You could call his bluff and ask for his counsellor to ring you but I’d keep well away from him and his dysfunction. Is there any reason you’re allowing someone who hurt you back into your life? My ex offered to go for counselling too as a manipulation tool. Whatever he’s upto, he’s not part of your life anymore so please block him and set clear boundaries or he will keep coming into your life and dragging you backwards. He’s looking for a weakness here to hook you back in. It’s easier to recycle an old victim than break in a new one. An you are an old victim. If you’re concerned about future partners then please consider making a statement to the police. They can then use Claire’s Law to inform partners or if he has other victims who have made statements, your statement is corroboration.
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A leopard never changes his spots. When I left my abusive partner with an (detail removed by Moderator) old baby he pursued me for (detail removed by Moderator) years with gifts, apologies etc. I so nearly went back but didn’t. He later lived with another woman and upon bringing my daughter back from his access visit said to me he was going to marry this woman if I didn’t come back, which I didn’t. Some time later on another access return I said ‘I thought you were going to marry x upon which he replied’ why would I marry her, she’s a w***e like all the others’. They are sick and will never recover. He did marry the poor young thing and she suffered terribly. Thre kids but luckily for all of them he died before he could damage them irreparably too. Stay and do not contact, it will go on forever
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It’s difficult to know if he’s genuine or this is a manipulation tactic to get you back (very likely!). I was told that if they admit they have an issue, fully understand it and seek counselling of their own accord, that is a positive sign and the counselling can help them. It’s interesting that he’s sought counselling himself without you asking/telling him to. But I remain sceptical of men who have been abusive because they know how to play us to get their way…
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