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That’s exactly how I feel @bettertimesahead, I even suggest it now to get it out of the way 🙁 even though I don’t want to. I did tell him when we had a row a few weeks ago that I have no drive and I don’t want to be doing it as much as he does but I just get we’ll suggest something else to do then.
Pinkypanther are you a way from it now? Or still in the situation?
I constantly feel on edge at home when kids are in bed or were home just me and him knowing he’s expecting me to suggest it :-(xx
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I’m away from it now. I still get him messaging me wanting sex saying he is stressed and that’s him only release from stress and how it’s all my fault. He came to the house once and I gave in just so he would leave. I feel awful for doing it and hate myself for it.
He also use to have it so I wore revealing clothes but was not allowed to wear underwear. Any opportunity he got he would have me naked. He would make me shave everywhere. Now I won’t even shave my legs unless I really have to. I’m wearing proper clothes all the time. Always have a bra on and wear the biggest knickers I can find just because I can ha xx
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Hi yes I have just left a long marriage and spent a great deal of it having sex when I didn’t want to if I said know husband would slam bedroom door on his way out ..tell me I wasn’t too tired for my hobbies ..I too used to sometimes initiate sex to get it out of way and felt under pressure anyway ..would badger me until I gave in not accepting no ..I finally have clarity that its my body and how I was treated was abuse .I’m still coming to terms with how I’ve lived with it fir so long became normal for me ..its your body remember that ..
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Hi Gazebo,
I felt that way too. To think I’ve had sex hundreds of times when I was forced to makes me feel sick. I use to want to rip my skin off afterwards.
I hated how I felt when he touched me. When I would recoil he would get angry and yell at me for treating him like a sexual predator.
I just found this online, ‘ Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone’
Jedi Warrior is right. It’s your body. They make you feel like you have no rights and they are entitled to everything.
My ex used many different tactics to force me to have sex with him. Crying and saying I don’t love him, being really rude and saying it’s because he needs sex, scaring me by behaving violently, getting people to tell me it was my obligation, constantly sending me articles about how important sex is in a relationship, and the list goes on. My ex also expected sex for doing things for our children.
That is not love.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this.
It’s not your fault, he is choosing to use you and treat you badly.
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I too have sex just to keep things bearable. I’m not in love with him and I don’t fancy him one bit. His behaviour has completely drained away any feelings that I ever had for him. I try and get out of sex whenever I can, but when I really can’t avoid it, I just see it as something I need to get over and done with. Sometimes, it makes me feel physically sick. If anyone has read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ this is definitely one of the ‘rewards’ that he talks about.
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I get this with the being in a mood if I don’t wake him up at the weekend for sex. Always when its time to take a break and rest I can’t because its time for sex to him. But its not always bad, sometimes its good, other times its like we are robots somehow and i hate it..
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Thank you so much for all of the replies I’m sorry so many of us going through it – mine keeps saying me need to get some sexy photos I’m so far keep putting it off as the last thing I want to do 🙁 I feel so alone at the moment yesterday I just wanted to walk out but I have two small children and would never ever leave them they are my world so I suck it all up for them.
Sorry everyone is in this too xx
I struggle to have smiley days at the moment bumblebee but try to for my children. I hope your ok today xx-
Oh Gazebo that’s so hard. I hope you’re getting support from Women’s Aid? Even though I now live alone, I have never felt crushing loneliness like I did when I was still living with my abuser. I now have time alone, but I’m not lonely.
You are not alone, we are multitudes, and there are lots of supports out there to help you and your children. Try to reach out to them if you can, I know it’s difficult.
Please continue to avoid your abusers request for sexy photos. It’s a common tactic for abusers to use such images as blackmail against their victims, threatening to release them onto the Internet or send them to family or work places if you don’t do what they want. If that does happen it’s revenge porn, and a crime, but try to avoid that situation if you can. Abusers can’t be trusted.
Keep reaching out here and elsewhere. You are stronger than you know xx
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I struggle to have good days because I am do conscious that any ‘good day’ could be ruined at any minute by him. It’s like I’m on my guard all the time, I expect it to happen as it has so many times in the past. I feel unable to be experience happiness any more, he has done this to me and I hate him for it.
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Hope your doing ok @secretlife I feel exactly the same you don’t know when there going to turn, my husband can’t keep calm for long soon turns grumpy and moody 🙁 xx
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@secretlife thats how i feel. When he is nice to me when hes happy I cant relax I cant enjoy anything as I know at some point it can all turn so quickly. I have 3 older boys and we sat in the garden all of us yesterday having a drink it was lovley but I was on edge so much waiting for husband to spoil it he didnt this time but it takes away any enjoyment for us doesnt it?
God this life is so sad.
Sending you hugs @gazebo I hope you are feeling stronger today xx-
Thank you @nbumblebee xx
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Gazebo, if you can please avoid the photos. Things escalated with my husband once I’d done a couple. The camera was like a third person in our marriage, it was all the time. I hate myself that I went along with it. After he left I found folders on his computer and hard drives and printed copies. I have them in a box as evidence in case. Unfortunately he did publish a photo of me which was devastating at the time but has shown many people the sort of person he is. I had him arrested and it’s going to court.
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I am so sorry to read everyone’s experiences, but it has helped me to see I’m not alone. I’ve definitely initiated just to get over with. Also mine would be really nice just to have sex and literally as soon as done turn on me and be really nasty or would lay there and then say it’s what I did so why should he make an effort. I haven’t initiated for a long time and try to avoid because I have no drive, no energy physically or mentally. Also I’m reading Lundy Bancroft’s book and found what he said helpful on this point. Also interesting like has been said, when you start to read about what constitutes sexual abuse. I can’t relax either when he’s being nice because I know it won’t last maybe it will for a little while but then it all comes crashing down. Now I just avoid and wait to go to bed until he’s asleep.
Gazebo, as the others have said, please do avoid sending photos if you can. These men aren’t to be trusted!
Sending all you ladies lots of love and hugs, it is so nice to have a safe place to come and talk about these things xx
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Yes I feel this way all the time. My drive has hit an all time low and I just don’t want to but do it for him to keep him happy. Sometimes it’s good but other times I just do it to get it over with, it’s easier than the alternative moods he’d be in if I told him the truth and didn’t do it…think if that was the case we’d do it about once a week rather than daily…wouldn’t that be nice.
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Yes.
When the police asked that list of horrible questions about this side of things the policeman actually stopped and asked “didn’t you ever try just saying no?”. I couldn’t be arsed to talk to that policeman much more as that question showed he’d slept through his domestic abuse training.
No saves ten minutes of discomfort and would lead to days or weeks of punishment and pay back. Silent treatment was the worst. That boiling silent rage. I’d barely be able to breathe waiting for him to pop then, so yes, sex was the easiest safest option. -
I’ve just had to report my ex for threatening again to post photos. Most of the police I’ve dealt with have been very good but on my initial incident many months ago the women taking my statement said oh so apart from this hows your day been? I was too traumatised at the time to respond. Since hes gone I feel more anger , remorse, disgust at what.
I did but it was the only way to survive-
@greyrock I’m so sorry you went through that with the police, and they weren’t understanding I don’t think people realise or understand until their on this situation. It’s horrible isn’t it doing it just to keep the peace for a few days 🙁 xx
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Hello again,
Just reading through the new comments. Thank you Gazebo for asking this question. I feel like sexual abuse is something that is overlooked.
I have been struggling with different things that have happened recently which have triggered my guilt and reminded me of the good person I thought my ex was. It’s crazy how our minds can compartmentalise our abuser’s different behaviours/characters. And I was also reminded of how much I loved him. Wondering if I made him insecure which lead him to being so n**********c and lacking empathy. But the truth is, he was that way before we even met.
Anyway, long story short, reading through all the suffering these men put us through reminded me of the dark place I was in with him. It was a prison, and I was is sex slave. Or at least that’s what it felt like. I’m sorry if this is upsetting for those of you still in the relationship. Nothing is wrong with you, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way. You have made it closer to freedom by seeking help and joining this forum.
xx
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