• This topic has 27 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 1 day ago by soxy.
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    • #126768
      Gazebo
      Participant

      Like they have to have sex with their husband/ partner even though they don’t want to but do to keep the peace 🙁 xx

    • #126992
      Gazebo
      Participant

      Anyone?xx

    • #126993
      Pinkypanther
      Participant

      I always felt like that. And he knew I didn’t want to. Then complained that I wasn’t enjoying it and use to tell me that I must be getting better elsewhere xx

    • #127013
      Bettertimesahead
      Participant

      Yes, he wanted sex every morning if I wasn’t working and if I didn’t wake him up to do so he’d have attitude all day. If there was opportunity in the day he’d also expect it or at least for me to be naked. I used to hate it if I knew my children would be out.

    • #127016
      Gazebo
      Participant

      That’s exactly how I feel @bettertimesahead, I even suggest it now to get it out of the way 🙁 even though I don’t want to. I did tell him when we had a row a few weeks ago that I have no drive and I don’t want to be doing it as much as he does but I just get we’ll suggest something else to do then.

      Pinkypanther are you a way from it now? Or still in the situation?

      I constantly feel on edge at home when kids are in bed or were home just me and him knowing he’s expecting me to suggest it :-(xx

      • #127053
        Pinkypanther
        Participant

        I’m away from it now. I still get him messaging me wanting sex saying he is stressed and that’s him only release from stress and how it’s all my fault. He came to the house once and I gave in just so he would leave. I feel awful for doing it and hate myself for it.

        He also use to have it so I wore revealing clothes but was not allowed to wear underwear. Any opportunity he got he would have me naked. He would make me shave everywhere. Now I won’t even shave my legs unless I really have to. I’m wearing proper clothes all the time. Always have a bra on and wear the biggest knickers I can find just because I can ha xx

    • #127017
      Gazebo
      Participant

      Thank you both for replying too xx

    • #127034
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      Hi yes I have just left a long marriage and spent a great deal of it having sex when I didn’t want to if I said know husband would slam bedroom door on his way out ..tell me I wasn’t too tired for my hobbies ..I too used to sometimes initiate sex to get it out of way and felt under pressure anyway ..would badger me until I gave in not accepting no ..I finally have clarity that its my body and how I was treated was abuse .I’m still coming to terms with how I’ve lived with it fir so long became normal for me ..its your body remember that ..
      .

    • #127035
      Jedi warrior
      Participant

      No not know .

    • #127038
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Yep. My hubby uses sex. I have to perform to say thank you when he does something nice for me or the kids. Or as a sorry if ive upset him. He also likes me to dress up which i try not to do much as it makes me feel terrible. He gets nasty when i say no so often its easier to just do it.
      I hate it x

    • #127041
      ladiesand gentlemen
      Participant

      Same here,he also wants things I have never done before !!!!!!!!!
      Then the next day insults my chest or weight

    • #127052
      Ocean
      Participant

      Hi Gazebo,

      I felt that way too. To think I’ve had sex hundreds of times when I was forced to makes me feel sick. I use to want to rip my skin off afterwards.
      I hated how I felt when he touched me. When I would recoil he would get angry and yell at me for treating him like a sexual predator.
      I just found this online, ‘ Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way. Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone’
      Jedi Warrior is right. It’s your body. They make you feel like you have no rights and they are entitled to everything.
      My ex used many different tactics to force me to have sex with him. Crying and saying I don’t love him, being really rude and saying it’s because he needs sex, scaring me by behaving violently, getting people to tell me it was my obligation, constantly sending me articles about how important sex is in a relationship, and the list goes on. My ex also expected sex for doing things for our children.
      That is not love.
      I’m sorry you are experiencing this.
      It’s not your fault, he is choosing to use you and treat you badly.
      Xx

    • #127054
      Bettertimesahead
      Participant

      This has made me feel so much less alone. I have also initiated it or got naked even though I didn’t want to, just to get it out of the way. And he would buy me revealing clothes and horrid tacky underwear. The day after he went I got a black sack and binned much of my wardrobe

    • #127056
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      How bad is it though that even at (removed by moderator) years old I thought this was just normal married life.
      I never saw it as a sign of abuse.

    • #127092
      Secretlife
      Participant

      I too have sex just to keep things bearable. I’m not in love with him and I don’t fancy him one bit. His behaviour has completely drained away any feelings that I ever had for him. I try and get out of sex whenever I can, but when I really can’t avoid it, I just see it as something I need to get over and done with. Sometimes, it makes me feel physically sick. If anyone has read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ this is definitely one of the ‘rewards’ that he talks about.

    • #127096
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      I get this with the being in a mood if I don’t wake him up at the weekend for sex. Always when its time to take a break and rest I can’t because its time for sex to him. But its not always bad, sometimes its good, other times its like we are robots somehow and i hate it..

      (detail removed by moderator)

    • #127101
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Also once I went to the GP for some gynecology app. I kinda freaked and she asked me if i had been sexually abuse… never really understood why I started to not be able to cope with these appointments

    • #127121
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Wow so many of us!!!
      Can I add another?
      Does anyone feel like they hate the good days as much as the bad?
      I often feel guilty about having a good day so much that I cant enjoy it then get called a miserable cow and then it turns bad cause of me.
      Anyone else?

    • #127142
      Gazebo
      Participant

      Thank you so much for all of the replies I’m sorry so many of us going through it – mine keeps saying me need to get some sexy photos I’m so far keep putting it off as the last thing I want to do 🙁 I feel so alone at the moment yesterday I just wanted to walk out but I have two small children and would never ever leave them they are my world so I suck it all up for them.
      Sorry everyone is in this too xx
      I struggle to have smiley days at the moment bumblebee but try to for my children. I hope your ok today xx

      • #127164
        Hawthorn
        Participant

        Oh Gazebo that’s so hard. I hope you’re getting support from Women’s Aid? Even though I now live alone, I have never felt crushing loneliness like I did when I was still living with my abuser. I now have time alone, but I’m not lonely.

        You are not alone, we are multitudes, and there are lots of supports out there to help you and your children. Try to reach out to them if you can, I know it’s difficult.

        Please continue to avoid your abusers request for sexy photos. It’s a common tactic for abusers to use such images as blackmail against their victims, threatening to release them onto the Internet or send them to family or work places if you don’t do what they want. If that does happen it’s revenge porn, and a crime, but try to avoid that situation if you can. Abusers can’t be trusted.

        Keep reaching out here and elsewhere. You are stronger than you know xx

      • #127275
        Gazebo
        Participant

        Thank you @ hawthorn – I’m avoiding the pics so far just keeps using the when I’ve lost some weight (which isn’t happening lol) I hope your doing ok, I live for the day I don’t have to answer to him anymore or have to pretend that everything is ok when it really isn’t xx

    • #127145
      Secretlife
      Participant

      I struggle to have good days because I am do conscious that any ‘good day’ could be ruined at any minute by him. It’s like I’m on my guard all the time, I expect it to happen as it has so many times in the past. I feel unable to be experience happiness any more, he has done this to me and I hate him for it.

      • #127276
        Gazebo
        Participant

        Hope your doing ok @secretlife I feel exactly the same you don’t know when there going to turn, my husband can’t keep calm for long soon turns grumpy and moody 🙁 xx

    • #127163
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      @secretlife thats how i feel. When he is nice to me when hes happy I cant relax I cant enjoy anything as I know at some point it can all turn so quickly. I have 3 older boys and we sat in the garden all of us yesterday having a drink it was lovley but I was on edge so much waiting for husband to spoil it he didnt this time but it takes away any enjoyment for us doesnt it?
      God this life is so sad.
      Sending you hugs @gazebo I hope you are feeling stronger today xx

    • #127180
      Bettertimesahead
      Participant

      Gazebo, if you can please avoid the photos. Things escalated with my husband once I’d done a couple. The camera was like a third person in our marriage, it was all the time. I hate myself that I went along with it. After he left I found folders on his computer and hard drives and printed copies. I have them in a box as evidence in case. Unfortunately he did publish a photo of me which was devastating at the time but has shown many people the sort of person he is. I had him arrested and it’s going to court.

      • #127278
        Gazebo
        Participant

        I’m so sorry that happened to you l, I’m so fed managing to avoid them by my using my weight and I need to lose some – I really don’t want to do it and do not feel sexy at all around him just want to keep everything covered which he also complains about when having sex 🙁 xx

    • #127321
      soxy
      Participant

      I am so sorry to read everyone’s experiences, but it has helped me to see I’m not alone. I’ve definitely initiated just to get over with. Also mine would be really nice just to have sex and literally as soon as done turn on me and be really nasty or would lay there and then say it’s what I did so why should he make an effort. I haven’t initiated for a long time and try to avoid because I have no drive, no energy physically or mentally. Also I’m reading Lundy Bancroft’s book and found what he said helpful on this point. Also interesting like has been said, when you start to read about what constitutes sexual abuse. I can’t relax either when he’s being nice because I know it won’t last maybe it will for a little while but then it all comes crashing down. Now I just avoid and wait to go to bed until he’s asleep.

      Gazebo, as the others have said, please do avoid sending photos if you can. These men aren’t to be trusted!

      Sending all you ladies lots of love and hugs, it is so nice to have a safe place to come and talk about these things xx

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